How can you just end it...?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
How can you just end it...?
18
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 11:49am
I am finding it very difficult to end an almost two year love affair. My marriage became distant when my husband began working nights five years ago. It is almost non existent now. I told him I was contemplating having an affair two years ago and his reply was "I can't stop you from doing that" the point is he can stop me by changing himself which he does not do. I have another man who loves me and would marry me in a second. I do not want to leave my marriage and think that being with another man would fix me because I know it won't. I just can't seem to let go of the one person who gives me the love and affection I need and desire.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2003
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 10:24am

sad,

I don't recall you saying you had kids with your husband. Why would you stay if its not for the kids? I ask because that is why I stay I know, I know no one should stay for the kids but that is the only excuse I can think of right now! Or that I'm really codependent.
As for not being intimate with your husband for that leanghth of time. I don't know how you can handle that knowing that there are other people out in the world who want you. You might want to look at it that way if you and OM don't end up together. I have a communication problem with my H that is what keeps chipping away at our relationship. If it doesn't pertain to him he really doesn't care. I had the affair and he didn't have a clue! CAN YOU SAY CLUELESS! If I told you his line of work you wouldn't believe it? It should have been found out but NO or he doesn't care. I have been to counseling alone of course because when I asked him to go his response was 'I don't need anyone telling me how to live my life' typical inside of the box response. Its getting so bad in our relationship that we can talk with one another undless its to disagree or about the kids.
Sad but true. I will make my decision soon about my future.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 12:28pm

Soul,

Oh yes I have children and that is when I felt judged on the "do you believe in staying for your children" message board. My marriage began to get rough when we were going through infertility treatments in the mid 90's and my husband kinda checked out. I have a personality where if I want something I go get it no matter what and he just gives up. When our daughter was born in '97 I became very depressed. He began working nights and I worked part time. He is a good father but not a very confident man. We both have histories of addiction and sexual abuse in our past but I have been the one to really recover. He is in much denial about his past and I have gotten to my core and we just have grown apart. I definitly stay for my daughter and personally think it is the right thing to do and until I believe it would be better for her if we left then I will consider it. It really hit me when we were looking into having another invitro baby and I was afraid to go through it all again with the lack of his confidence. Our situation is a male factor and he does not deal well with his guilt. And I know sometimes I blame him because I want more kids but I'd rather he take it like a man than run away from his feelings.

-Sad

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2003
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 12:47pm
Hugs to you and what your dealing with when it comes to something you want. I deal with the same thing and attitude when it comes to anything I want so my new thing is I want it I work I get it! Emotionally I think we both checked out years ago but stay for the kids. Some days I think its the right thing to do and on others I'm like what the he@# am I doing or showing my kids on how to choose your life to live? I heard a saying yesterday that I just cant get out of my head. Its better to come from a broken home than to live in one! WOW if that wasn't a slap to me I don't know what was. My kids are getting older now and it seems that my husband has been leaning on the bottle much more, I think because of the situation we are in. Any way I think we will be much better living alone as hard as it would be to get used to it might be the best thing for ME!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 4:44pm

"It should have been found out but NO or he doesn't care."

Mysouliscrushed, Perhaps it is only your perception that he doesn't care. I expect that should you inform him about your A you would get a completely different picture. I wonder if you are so sure of your belief that you would be willing to put it to the test. Obviously I have no idea of the situation inside your house (purposely did not say home) but guessing at what someone (even someone you have lived with for a long time) is thinking is not going to be very accurate. Very likely you will be at least 50% wrong. BTDT.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2003
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 5:12pm

Jackson,

Thanks for your opinion everyone is entitled to one. Now I will give you mine. My affair is long over with and I have accepted that it is. My husband didn't nor will he ever find out about it because I won't tell him so that leave's it at me guessing. Some secrets are left unsaid and I will take them to my grave with me but that is ME. That is why everyone is different and why we have this board to come too. Are you willing to share your story since you have BTDT and maybe you can give me some good insights about telling my spouse about my affair.
Maybe you will but I doubt it can make me change my mind.

soul

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 5:35pm
Not suggesting you change your mind.......but just to think of possibilities. BTDT......This deals with communications and lies both of commission and omission within my own marriage. It also deals with how my W perceives how and what I think. (Of course I believe I have the W pegged.) The truth is that neither of us have had the other pegged. We have make major decisions based on our own biased perception and had serious regrets later when we found out we were dead wrong. I can't speak for what my wife is feeling (she says that she is extremely sorry) but I have built up serious resentment which I am not sure I will ever get over ( I am working on it). Honest and straight forward communications would have prevented our problems. I now understand that to communicate not only do you have to transmit in understandable language but also to understand what is being said. Too often transmissions are make in code and the receiver doesn't have a code book to make the transmission understandable. I really wish you the best.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2003
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 5:52pm

Jackson,

I appreciate your candor and honesty. I have been where your at many years ago. No I didnt go right out and try to pay my husband back. It just happend and these were many years apart. I think if the communication lines were more open then maybe both of the affairs wouldn't have happend but that is the past. My relationship with my husband is a bit different he is a drinker and would rather drink his evening away than talk to me so that is probably my cop out as to why I had the affair. I know still doesn't justify it. I have worked on me and fixed what was wrong with me as for him no he has no desire to fix HIS problem.
SOUL

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 4:08pm
Thanks for the message mysouliscrushed, I do understand about alcoholism. I grew up very close to an alcoholic uncle. As a young man he was a loveable and funny drunk. When he got older he was a mean and miserable drunk. Unrepentent until the day he died. I continue to wish you the best.

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