How can you just end it...?
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How can you just end it...?
| Tue, 11-16-2004 - 11:49am |
I am finding it very difficult to end an almost two year love affair. My marriage became distant when my husband began working nights five years ago. It is almost non existent now. I told him I was contemplating having an affair two years ago and his reply was "I can't stop you from doing that" the point is he can stop me by changing himself which he does not do. I have another man who loves me and would marry me in a second. I do not want to leave my marriage and think that being with another man would fix me because I know it won't. I just can't seem to let go of the one person who gives me the love and affection I need and desire.

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sad,
I don't recall you saying you had kids with your husband. Why would you stay if its not for the kids? I ask because that is why I stay I know, I know no one should stay for the kids but that is the only excuse I can think of right now! Or that I'm really codependent.
As for not being intimate with your husband for that leanghth of time. I don't know how you can handle that knowing that there are other people out in the world who want you. You might want to look at it that way if you and OM don't end up together. I have a communication problem with my H that is what keeps chipping away at our relationship. If it doesn't pertain to him he really doesn't care. I had the affair and he didn't have a clue! CAN YOU SAY CLUELESS! If I told you his line of work you wouldn't believe it? It should have been found out but NO or he doesn't care. I have been to counseling alone of course because when I asked him to go his response was 'I don't need anyone telling me how to live my life' typical inside of the box response. Its getting so bad in our relationship that we can talk with one another undless its to disagree or about the kids.
Sad but true. I will make my decision soon about my future.
Soul,
Oh yes I have children and that is when I felt judged on the "do you believe in staying for your children" message board. My marriage began to get rough when we were going through infertility treatments in the mid 90's and my husband kinda checked out. I have a personality where if I want something I go get it no matter what and he just gives up. When our daughter was born in '97 I became very depressed. He began working nights and I worked part time. He is a good father but not a very confident man. We both have histories of addiction and sexual abuse in our past but I have been the one to really recover. He is in much denial about his past and I have gotten to my core and we just have grown apart. I definitly stay for my daughter and personally think it is the right thing to do and until I believe it would be better for her if we left then I will consider it. It really hit me when we were looking into having another invitro baby and I was afraid to go through it all again with the lack of his confidence. Our situation is a male factor and he does not deal well with his guilt. And I know sometimes I blame him because I want more kids but I'd rather he take it like a man than run away from his feelings.
-Sad
"It should have been found out but NO or he doesn't care."
Mysouliscrushed, Perhaps it is only your perception that he doesn't care. I expect that should you inform him about your A you would get a completely different picture. I wonder if you are so sure of your belief that you would be willing to put it to the test. Obviously I have no idea of the situation inside your house (purposely did not say home) but guessing at what someone (even someone you have lived with for a long time) is thinking is not going to be very accurate. Very likely you will be at least 50% wrong. BTDT.
Jackson,
Thanks for your opinion everyone is entitled to one. Now I will give you mine. My affair is long over with and I have accepted that it is. My husband didn't nor will he ever find out about it because I won't tell him so that leave's it at me guessing. Some secrets are left unsaid and I will take them to my grave with me but that is ME. That is why everyone is different and why we have this board to come too. Are you willing to share your story since you have BTDT and maybe you can give me some good insights about telling my spouse about my affair.
Maybe you will but I doubt it can make me change my mind.
soul
Jackson,
I appreciate your candor and honesty. I have been where your at many years ago. No I didnt go right out and try to pay my husband back. It just happend and these were many years apart. I think if the communication lines were more open then maybe both of the affairs wouldn't have happend but that is the past. My relationship with my husband is a bit different he is a drinker and would rather drink his evening away than talk to me so that is probably my cop out as to why I had the affair. I know still doesn't justify it. I have worked on me and fixed what was wrong with me as for him no he has no desire to fix HIS problem.
SOUL
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