how to deal with guilt?
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how to deal with guilt?
| Thu, 02-24-2005 - 10:43am |
I'm been reading a lot of postings and decide to move here from MAS board. I've been friends with my xMM for 6 years and early last year he started flirting online and we ended up having an A. We're both married, with kid, problem with M, but no intention to leave spouse. We decided to end the A after a few months, mainly because some special circumstances on my side. We remained as friends and constantly email each other. He wanted to get together several times and I just couldn't. Several times, I felt that he became distant. Now thinking back, I should've let him go at that time. However, I'm so used to talking to him daily and share a lot of things happening in my life, so I kept talking to him, he always responded immediately and there were a lot of flirting.
Several weeks ago, his wife saw one of the long email we've been writing back and forth. It was a big fight for him and he needed time to sort things out with her. It's extremely hard for me not to talk to him after daily email for a year. I feel extremely guilty for what he has to suffer at home. His W also sent him and I an email saying that this relationship has hurt their marriage, their son and their family. I'm positive that we are not in love with each other, we gave each other something that's missing in our M. We have NC for 3 weeks, I know I should give him space and the time he needed to work out his M. But I don't know how to deal with this guilt and I have the urge everyday to ask him whether he is ok and whether his wife is giving him another chance. I don't know whether it will make a difference for him, but I'd like him to know that I'm still his friend( and I do mean it, I miss him as a friend, not somebody to have A with) and I'll always be here for him if he needs a friend. Am I making things worse for him if I contact him? Anyone has similar experience/advice would like to share?
Several weeks ago, his wife saw one of the long email we've been writing back and forth. It was a big fight for him and he needed time to sort things out with her. It's extremely hard for me not to talk to him after daily email for a year. I feel extremely guilty for what he has to suffer at home. His W also sent him and I an email saying that this relationship has hurt their marriage, their son and their family. I'm positive that we are not in love with each other, we gave each other something that's missing in our M. We have NC for 3 weeks, I know I should give him space and the time he needed to work out his M. But I don't know how to deal with this guilt and I have the urge everyday to ask him whether he is ok and whether his wife is giving him another chance. I don't know whether it will make a difference for him, but I'd like him to know that I'm still his friend( and I do mean it, I miss him as a friend, not somebody to have A with) and I'll always be here for him if he needs a friend. Am I making things worse for him if I contact him? Anyone has similar experience/advice would like to share?

pk,
NC pls, just my 2 cents
welcome to the board
max
I read some of your postings and hope you are feeling better today.
Thanks for reminding me that HE is the one who screwed up. I resisted for 2 months when he started flirting and finally gave in. But I keep thinking that it takes 2 to tango and I'm equally responsible for making his M worse than it was. But then again, we are all adults and we are responsible for the path we choose in our life. I know I need to let go, and I'm feeling a little better everyday. I've been using the time I spend emailing with him on work and sending email to my H, even it's just to pass on a joke. But I don't know whether I can completly let go without knowing that he is working thing out with his W(he did say he wants to). The thing I regret the most is that I'll probably never going to have that friendship back.
This is my first A and it might as well be my last one. Too much trouble for the few highs, not worth it.
hi pk,
im feeling much better today, OW is on vacation and off to Vegas with her kid and mom and the father of her kid
i find it easy to concentrate when she is not around the workplace, but yesterday before she left , she called me and we talked very briefly, and the worst is she told me she misses me also, she asked me how i was doing and i said im doing no so good and for some reson it came out of my mouth that i told her i missed her and she said she missed me too, after that she told me she has to go
OW is playing with my heart and im falling right back into it
the nights are so lonely and the days are so sad for me right now
when will this end
max
hi pk,
"This is my first A and it might as well be my last one. Too much trouble for the few highs, not worth it."
i think u just hit the last nail on the coffin
most of us know that it wont work, i know some affair worked in the end but they are the exception, we all wihs we are the exception but thr reality of it it is not
how i wish i am the exception to the rule,
take care, dont get sick and dont skip any meals, got to be healthy
max
Most of us went into an A for our own selfish reason. It's hard trying to figure out what's the reason for OW/OM and whether to believe if we were told such a reason. I hate to admit this, but I know for me, it's for the excitement and the attention that's lacking from home. He's attractive, younger than me and I feel extremely flattered. I think I know what his reason was, but not 100% sure.
You're going to drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what her every word means. Working together is the hardest, it's a constant reminder of what you had. Try to be strong. Time will heal. I know it's easy to say than done, but it's true.
You learned alot from your first A, huh? One piece of advice I always give people who are trying to rebuild after an A is exactly what you're doing - when you think about contacting the XMM, contact your DH instead. I looked for any little thought that occurred to me or news item on a topic of interest to us both as an excuse to send DH a text message or e-mail, or even call him. It helped us re-establish intimacy and reminded me of the reasons I fell in love with him in the first place, and decided to marry him.
Yes, we are all responsible for our choices. Clearly you contributed to the downfall of his marriage, but you weren't the sole cause. He didn't have to get involved in an A. And if your marriage was suffering as the result of your bad decision-making, it would be your responsibility and yours to fix, if possible. I don't mean to sound harsh here. I guess in the aftermath of my A I have more concerns and worries about XMM's wife than I do about him.
I've got to chuckle that you ended your post by saying it might be your last A. DUH? Are you even thinking about repeating this situation?!?! You're absolutely right - the highs aren't worth this.
Hang in there, honey. You're going to be fine. Love, Mo.