How did I end up in this situation?
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| Wed, 03-30-2005 - 9:57am |
I have visited this board numerous times, but this is my first post. (not sure if I know all the abreviations yet). I have been married for almost 7 years and have a 7 month old daughter. I have also been having an A with a MM for 3 and a half years. We met at work, *instant*fireworks*, and it's been out of control since. About 3 months after I started A with MM, we moved 4 hours away. The distance has not hindered my relationship with MM at all. In fact, we have grown closer. We are best friends. We are in love (that's been verified by both sides). We talk all day everyday on email and text messages get us through the weekends. Our conversations of late have drifted to discussions about being "together", as in leaving spouses, etc. He posed the question last week and it caught me off guard. I loathe myself for even being in this predicament, but at the same time I sincerely love this man. I love my H, too, though and would never be able to destroy him with knowledge of my A. I saw MM last night (he drove here to see me while H is out of town), which is why I am really agonizing today. Do I really love him? Do I love the secret of the A? Outside of Hollywood, do people who leave their spouses for their lovers ever find true happiness? Is the A just an addiction I need to break? And if so, how do I do that? I have tried to end A before, but to not have him in my life is unbearable. And we are so strongly connected physically, mentally, emotionally...it seems impossible to ever walk away from him. I know he feels the same way about me.
I never thought I would be "that person" who leads this double life. It seemed so innocent at first, but has bloomed into ginuine love. How do I deal? Anyone else been in the same situation? Any advice? Please....I really need some support today.

Welcome, Aching, you've come to the right place. Eventually we all realize that we found ourselves in a situation we never believed we would find ourselves in. And I can relate to your entire post, especially the *fireworks* part. Obviously, only you two know whether it's for real or not, but let me just point out a few things here.
First, the long distance communication. Do you realize how easy this makes the A seem like the most appealing escape in the world??? There's no reality here. You may be daydreaming that the MM is the man who is going to come along and complete you, but you've never lived in reality together. The distance and stolen hours only add to that illusion.
For so many of us, the A was an escape from reality. You might try thinking as objectively as possible over your life and figure out whether you have a tendency to want to escape or get outside yourself. I didn't realize how much of an escapist I was until I confronted the true motivation for my A. The truth was, I've spent my entirely life not wanting to be me. This, for various reasons, but the bottom line is that when I was with MM it was me, only "all cleaned up." He only saw the very best I had, he responded to everything I wanted/needed. We never did "reality" together, even though we placed ourselves temporarily in some "reality-type" situations; ie. we actually went to the grocery store together a few times, I cried to him during some seriously traumatic events, etc. But he wasn't call on to actually "show up" and be my main support. When you're on the outside like that, it's so much easier to imagine that every day tasks, as well as the more monumental events in life, would be so much more terrific with that "other" person.
This is just my experience, but I ended the A when I felt pretty sure that my XMM probably couldn't ever fulfill the role that my DH did in my life. And I reached that conclusion after some really deep soul searching and a belief that I was really ready to turn my life upside down to be with him. The bottom line I eventually had to face was that I'd never really been with this man during a stomach virus, when the checking account was overdrawn, nursing a sick child, when inlaws were nagging, etc. You get the idea. Without experiencing some of what real life brings to any marriage or relationship, it's virtually impossible to know with any certainty how the relationship will stand up under pressure. The belief that you two can "make it" in reality hasn't really been tested yet.
I agree that we do tend to turn to the A, whether its reached the level of addiction or its just a really nice distraction from life, to make us feel better. The A is evidence of searching outside of ourselves to find true happiness.
Rather than examining the compatibility of the A or whether you believe you "love" MM more than your current H, reflect on yourself and most importantly, what's motivating you to even consider this new commitment. If it's purely because MM makes you "feel good" or "happier" than you do with your H, you probably want to give your decision a great deal more thought.
Just my .02. Best of luck to you! Love, Mo.
Wow, Mo! Thank you for that post. I think much of what you addressed is exactly why we've not crossed any real lines of moving to the "next level". I sort of shrug off his suggestions of ending M's and being together. I have considered the reality of what it would be like...and it wouldn't be all smiles and laughter as we imagine. In fact, I am sure it would get weighed down with the everyday minutia of life, bills, kids, etc. It wouldn't be crazy sex 24/7 and witty dialogues. I've also posed the thought to him that perhaps the best way to look at our relationship is as a "retreat" from our everyday lives, not an alternative. We both realize the reality is different than what we have now; yet we still talk about it.
As I said, I do love my husband and my daughter very much. It is just so hard to let go of something (A) that is so fullfilling on so many levels and to say goodbye to someone (MM) who is such an integral part of my life. What would I do without him? He insists that we would be friends no matter what, but I can't just be friends with him. We've tried and it just isn't possible. So, do I throw it all away and agonized over the loss of a dear friend and intimate partner, or do I try to salvage the friendship and hope we don't cross the line again? This is where I lose sight of what it is I'm doing in my "real life" and get caught up in my other life.
I said it before, but I just never thought I would be the person who lives like this. And it's so hard to keep it all to myself...
Thanks for your post, Mo.
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Aching, do you really think this is possible???? I was involved in my A for a few weeks more than 2 years and during that time, whether he turned out to be the love of my life or not, I did development a deep personal relationship with him, even if it was more akin to friendship than true love. But like you, I clearly realized that there was NO WAY we could remain friends. He suggested it, but I knew better. I posted a thread earlier in the week entitled "unbelievable twist," in which I acknowledged that I am not safe in the same room with this man. I just know that I cannot control myself where he's concerned.
So I wonder how he's doing now, just like I would any really good friend whom I've lost touch with. But here's why XMM isn't really my friend: I haven't spoken to my college roomate in years and I wonder how she is, but I aint about to risk my marriage and my integrity to found out!!!!! With XMM, it's a little different. I KNOW I can't safely send out a "feeler" message without both of us winding up in a tailspin.
Sometimes its in both friends' best interests to just go Separate Ways. Love, Mo.
Love you, Mo! Thanks for taking an interest in my dilemma. I have been reading most all the threads posted today and I'm gathering strength little by little to do what I know is right. We have tried NC before, and it lasted for a few weeks, but we missed each other - not seeing each other - but talking about "stuff". The "stuff" always turns into serious stuff, and we end up together or having a conversation about the "what ifs". I know I need to end it...I know I need to end it...I know I need to end it (maybe if I click my heels together three times, it will work Ha Ha).
I hope others keep posting because this board is giving me great relief! It's nice to know I'm not alone in this situation!
:)