How did it end for you

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
How did it end for you
11
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 2:19pm
Ive been lurking for quite some time but this is my first post. It hasnt been going on long, but long enough all the same. My question is how did it end for everyone. Was it mutual, one person ended it, or did it just stop with no further communication. Thanks

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 2:38pm
Hi! Well, after several failed attempts at ending our A...it ended 2 mos. to today when his SO found out. Probably the best thing that could have happened, because now we have absolutely NO CONTACT. We could never manage to stick to it on our own. It has been painful, but slowly & surely I am moving on with my life.
Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 2:58pm
Personally, I don't think how everyone else ended their A's is going to help you come to a decision to end yours. Every situation is different with different people even though the pain is the same. Also it is tough to really help you until you are willing to open up and tell us your situation. Then you will get some sound advice.

You see, regardless of who ends it, the bottomline is that your affair must end because as long as there is a marriage in the mix, there is NO future based in reality for it.

Good luck to you.

GT

Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 3:02pm
One last thing to keep in mind. If you are in an A and if it is a good relationship, you should be able to talk to your affair partner and come to a reasonable conclusion. I never suggest that a person just end their affair without an explanation and willingness to discuss it. That does nothing but hurt the person left with more pain. Fortunately for me that was not the case, but I've seen it happen.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 3:13pm
I am a mw whose affair with a s-om ended when he decided we just wouldn't make each other happy. I know it was the right decision for both of us but even after a month or so (I've actually lost track...yeah!!!) I still miss him!!

Karry

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 3:21pm
You got me there :) It is true that it doesnt matter how it ended or didnt end for anyone else I was just wondering. And again it is true that my A has no future based in reality as long as there is marriage in the mix. Sometimes I just figure that I am not owed any explanation being the situation and all, and was basically wondering if any one way of ending something worked better for some (even though that may not make sense). Thanks GT!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 3:48pm
My EMA isn't over yet, but I'm lingering on this board b/c I listening to other people's stories gives me the strength to do what I know I need to do. So, I have a similar approach that you seem to have by asking your questions-it comforting to hear other people's stories. So I guess what I'm saying is that you shouldn't feel like you can't ask questions like you're asking!

My story is that I have ended my EMA twice but we are back together. It's a very difficult thing to do for many reasons, but in my situation I ended it and my MM said (and continues to say) that he doesn't want it to end but that if I need for him to do it he will, and he won't push for continued contact.

I agree that if you have an open, honest relationship with your EMA partner and that you need that person to help you to deal with a difficult transition, that he should put you and your ultimate happiness first. I think just ending it w/o an explanation is a somewhat cruel way to deal with things.

Avatar for raspberrykat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 5:27pm
We both knew going into the A that it would end and that we would try to be kind to eachother when that happened. I'm a MW & he was S-OM. He knew going into the A that I would not leave H, and I knew that there would come a time when he needed some one more in his life. Although when it did end it was very painful for us both. He couldn't tell me that he was seeing someone else and I found out through gossip that he was involved with someone. We had made an agreement in the beginning that if he need to be free he would tell me. Well, you can make all the agreements, and tell eachother you will be honest, but it is a very painful thing for everyone involved (of course this was our third time around). Anyway, to make a very long story a bit shorter, we still talk, neither of us has been able to go to NC, but it will happen eventually. I hold no ill will towards him (only anger at us both sometimes)He is an awesome man, he deserves to be happy, as we all do.

It is hard to end the A, only you know what is right for you. No matter how it ends, it will be painful, that you can count on.

best of luck!

K

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 5:28pm
I think I finally have ended mine and am more sure of it, b/c it was actually stated as opposed to trying it the other way - just not saying anything - which we have been doing for what seems like forever. I feel like if you don't actually indicate that it is over, then you're leaving the door open for it to continue.

Since the beginning we knew this wasn't what we should be doing. I think I pushed more than he did to keep it going, because as impossible as it was, I still wanted him. For the last 6 1/2 months we have been in this horrible pattern of seeing each other one night then not communicating at all, sometimes for more than 3-4 weeks. I think this approach has been an attempt to end things, but still keeping that very small opportunity avaiable that we could get together again.

I finally realized my life could be in this limbo forever and that just hurt way too much. Last week I told him I couldn't see him anyomre, not even as friends, which is how we've been seeing each other for the last 2 months (horrible misery for the joy of seeing his face and being in his company). I could have just stopped emailing or going to the functions I knew we would both be at, but that would have been unfair. At least now he knows not to expect me to be there. This is easier for the both of us. I feel like this time it might definately be over. I'm depressed as s*&t, but at the same time I'm relieved and feel that now the possibility is greater that I actually will stick to my guns.

Hope this lends some type of insight! BTW, I just logged on to this support group for the first time last week when I made my decision to sever all ties. Maybe this is another indication that I'm ready for this to end. Maybe you are too since you finally posted ;-)

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 7:30pm
Well, I've probably tried it all. He's ended it, I've ended it, its been mutual, we quite possibly could be at a world record for breakups actually.

This last time is different though. I feel we reached the end of the line and its truly time to end the pain and get back to real life. (Kind of like finally waking up from a very long dream and knowing you've got to get up and get ready for work)

I would say at this point we're both giving up. I may have started the ball rolling, but he's now backing away quite a bit too. I'll say this though. I read in a book on breakups, that it doesn't really matter how it ended. It matters that it did end and where you're going from this point forward. I totally agree with that. Its a wise decision to say all you have to say the final time you're together, so you don't have any nagging thoughts after that you wished you'd said... Take a deep breath, do it, and then start walking in another direction. It sounds to me like you know what you need to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 8:42pm
My affair lasted over a year and it ended abruptly, via e-mail. With no explaination other than "I can't see you any more, I've met someone". And he refused to discuss it further. No closure. To make matters worse, this bomb was dropped on me the day before I started a new job.

We had just been physically intimate less than a week before. The sex was always incredible and this final time was no exception. We laughed a lot and had a good time, as always. I do remember the last words he spoke to me in person - he asked if I could stay longer and when I said "no" he replied "oh yeah, that's right, you have to run home to your husband". But he didn't act mad. In fact we chatted via e-mail every day for the rest of the week, like everything was status quo. I don't know when he had time to meet someone. I still get choked up thinking about it. But as a married woman I couldn't very well complain to any one.

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