How did you decide to end it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2004
How did you decide to end it?
2
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 4:07pm
I'm not sure if I should be on this board,but I am hoping some of you can give me some advice. I have been married for 12 years. My marriage has been in trouble for about 5 years. Up and down. In November of last year, my husband and I seperated, immediately after the seperation I began seeing someone else. A man that in my opinion, is the best thing that ever happened to me.

During the seperation, I rec'd a lot of pressure from my H and family to reconcile. My family is very religious and has told me on numerous occasions that I have broken biblical law in many ways.

Anyway, on valentine's day, my H gave me an ultimatim that he move back in or he would file for divorce. I caved and now he is living back in our home. I don't feel like I love him anymore, I can hardly stand for him to touch me. But I agreed to let him move home because it is the 'right thing to do'.

I am very much in love the other man. He meets my emotional needs more than I ever thougth possible. I'm sure you all have been there, where you feel like he does everything right.

Anyway, it isn't fair to him that we continue our relationship, so now I must end it. I don't want to, but it has come to what is right for him and his life. Any recommendations for how I can get the courage to let go of the best thing that ever happened to me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 4:40pm
Im sorry that I don’t have any good advice for you, but I did read your post and can feel

your pain. Im sorry. Im wondering if you are only staying with your husband because of

your religion? If you are religious you should open your bible and realize that you are not

going to be punished eternally for not staying with your husband if you do not love him.

Do you have children? Are you able to take care of yourself with out your husband? I am

not saying that it is ok to have an affair because I don’t think it is an answer for anything

but I also don’t believe you should be forced to live with someone that you feel nothing

for. I myself have not figured out how to balance this all out and that is why I said that I

don’t really have any good advice. I also live with someone that I have a lot of resentment

for, don’t love and is abusive. I have to just figure out how to take care of all of us by my

self. I would never be able to depend on him if we were ever divorced.

Lots of people have many wise words......

good luck to you!

sunandrain
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 5:25pm
confused...Hi I'm a regular on the Affair support board, and just recently decided to try for a last chance effort with my H.

Although our situations are seemingly different, our religious convictions are the same. That is if we are talking Christianity, which I am going to assume we are. As for marriage, it is ordained by God to be perfect and holy. Our H's are to be the head of the household ruling in love and always putting our needs above their own. That is what the bible says. Literally. I know it says wives should submit, but that's when the husbands are also meeting the criteria. They are to love us as Christ loves the Church. And Christ gave up everything for his church, including being separated from God for a short time to atone for our sins. With all that said...

Marriage is a two way street. I'm sure at one point you loved your husband very much. Maybe not intense passionate love, but love nonetheless. If there is no love, your marriage, which might "look" good for all intents and purposes, will be dead. Do you want to live in a dead union for the rest of your life? You obviously separated for a reason. What was it? Is he abusive, emotionally, physically, mentally or verbally? These all contradict the law which God handed down for marriage.

The reasons you separated to begin with need to be explored. And the BOTH of you have to be willing to work on those issues. Not just you, or not just him. I want you to understand that I'm not coming against you for anything that has transpired in your marriage. I am not without sin, and am unable to cast any stone.

As for me and my H, well when he found out about the A, he was understandably devastated. He wanted to know what went wrong between us. It took us a couple of days worth of talking (not arguing or pointing fingers) to realize that we had little to no communication within our marriage. Don't get me wrong, there was tears, and heartache...it didn't happen overnight.

We are now beginning to learn what it means to cleave to one another as we were always meant to. As for OM, yes I gave him up. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. But I knew I owed it to myself to see if my marriage was saving, and I owed it to OM to set him free. I told him that I was going to give my marriage 100% of my effort, and if things didn't work out, then I knew that I'd tried everything. And OM made me promise that if it didn't, I would contact him, be it 6 mo. or 10 yrs from now. So yes, I loved him very much.

BUT...since I did come clean with H, and he does know about the affair (not necessarily all the little details, I spared him the fact that I loved OM). We've agreed to marriage cousneling and will begin within the next month or so. We've re-evaluated our relationship and picked out what we need to work on. And we've come to the conclusion that we're both giving it our best shot, and if it doesn't work after this, we tried it all.

I must say, that I've been pleasantly surprised with DH. I mean, he's changed. I told him I'm scared that he'll go back to the way things were (he was verbally and mentally abusive). He promises me everyday that he's making every effort, as am I. And we both agree the counseling will help tremendously in our capability to find the root of the abuse. (I guess not abuse per se, but H would say very mean things to me, I was eventually afraid to speak around him for fear he would always be ANGRY!)

Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is this. Despite your family's good intentions, you and your H have to be willing to get to the root of the problem also. If he isn't, or you aren't, and if things are just going to go back to "normal" (or the way things were before you separated) you might as well get the divorce. It will solve nothing to just be together for the sake of the family. You both deserve to be happy. And if you find that you are both willing to work it out, you will have to let go of OM to really give it your all. Only you can determine that.

I'm not saying H and I have everything worked out. But at least we both know we are on the path to recovery. And we are both willing. I haven't seen or talked to OM since I told him I was going to work on my M. I miss him terribly. But I must say that the relief from deception is great. And above all, I know that through it all, Jesus is still here for me, and I love Him even more.

Blessings,

BK