How did you get to WANT to end it?
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How did you get to WANT to end it?
| Wed, 12-01-2004 - 11:32pm |
I would like to know from anyone out there that has ended their A:
How did you get to the point where you realized you really and truly WANTED the A to end?
Or is it that you never really wanted it to end and still don't, but just decided you HAD to?
Just curious.
Thanks,
Loves
p.s. please be nice to me. :-) I'm having a hard time.

Love
You are welcome here any time dear so don't worry about a thing.
Different people get to the place were they want or need to end it in different ways and yes some people have it forced on them.
One biggie is when your wake up one day and understand what the cheating is costing you in terms of your marriage and it's future, things like DIVORCE when hubby finds out along with public humiliation castigation and rejection by friends and family.
Another is the realization that MM wants to keep the affair going and does not really care enough about you to end it for your good but just wants what he wants and will say or do just about anything to keep sucking you back in offering things that he knows he will never be able to deliver like a real world relationship that is pure fantasy/lie.
Other suffer such destroyed self-esteem and self-respect for what they have done to there families and MM family that they literaly end up being physically ill over it.
Many just get to the place were they just can't stand being a lieing cheating sneak anymore, especially lieing to themselfs about MM empty words of love and a future to gether.
So what is bothering you that you are looking at this tonight ?
Again welcome to the board.
Free
(((Lovesec)))
I know that being on this board means your heart is breaking, but we are here to try to help put those pieces back together again. I have to get ready for work, and will be sending you a more indepth post later this morning. I also work with my XMM, up close but no longer personal, so I am hoping that I can offer you the strength and comfort.
~True~
First, I'm sorry to hear you are going through a rough time, but that's what this message board is for, to help each other through this.
For me, I decided it was time because the days I was feeling bad were far outnumbering the days I was feeling good. Me and my XOM were fighting alot, throwing accusations back and forth, and I was realizing that what the hell is this all for? If the A is not making me feel good any longer, we were simply holding on to each other out of the difficulty it takes to let go.
In addition, the actual problem that we were having with resulted in all the fights, was never going to get better. It was an ongoing issue that has actually gotten worse over the past 18 months (the A lasted about 3 years), and it was something that seriously damaged my pride. My pride and my self-respect is worth more to me than even him, even though I was and still am, deeply in love with him.
So, after 18 months of hoping that this issue me and XOM were having would disolve somehow, hasn't....so I found every ounce of strength I had in me to say enough...you had your chance, now I need to do whats best for ME.
Good luck hun. There is no easy way of ending something like this, espeically when you are still in love with the person.
Hugs,
Hurtpup
Hey love,
Good to see your posts on this board again. I'm sorry you're having a rough time, but you've come to the right place to share.
For me it was a two-fold process to get to the end. I hated, HATED the lying and sneaking and cheating. I felt horrible all the time. I had an ulcer, lost 30 pounds and couldn't sleep most of the time. In my mind, I was torn between who I loved more and wanted to be with for the future, which leads me to part two. I pushed my xMM to make a choice and he chose his wife.
So here I am. I won't say that I don't miss him and think about him frequently, because I do. But his final rejection was the final straw. I was hurt, humiliated and appalled at my own behavior. All those emotiions stirring around are what made me finally decide that this man was NEVER going to be good for me.
While he started the NC, I'm the one who has, and will, keep it. I have some pride left, and I'd like to hang on to my life and my H. Once I finally woke up and saw what was really important, NC was the only thing to do.
I hope this helps in your situation. Good thoughts and cyber hugs!
<<<>>
Unless your heart is composed of rocks and stones, NO ONE wants to end their affair, at least as first! When the relationship starts going south, usually through unmitigated circumstances, we are left standing outside in the rain praying that our tears go unnoticed. It is very painful time. It is very difficul time. BUT, it is the only RIGHT thing to do. Not fun doing the right thing.....it SUCKS!!! But our pain is a direct result of making a very poor choice, one that could ruin many innocent lives (including our own).
The only way I was able to completely end my 4.5 year affair was to look outside of it and envision 3 months down the road, 6 months down the road, whatever timeframe tripped my fear the most. We could get caught. We could end up hating one another. We could continue pretending till the cows came home. OR... We could face the truth, and end things peacefully for all concerned. We opted for the latter. It has worked for us, and although it took me 4 months of silently hating myself, irrational anger toward him, fighting depression and wanting the world to stop so I could get off, "I FINALLY DID IT. ONE DAY AT A TIME."
You first need to have enough respect for yourself, and compassion for the person who you sinned with, in order to be able to let go. So start there, Loves. Respect yourself!!!
No, we don't WANT to end it. But, we NEED to end it.
~True~
Edited 12/2/2004 1:57 pm ET ET by b_true_2_yourself
love,
When I could no longer stand the feelings I had within me knowing of the deception and lies I was telling my h when I believe I am an honest person I knew I had to stop the A.
I could not handle him making statements such as how good of a wife I am, how much his friends like me, etc. All I could think was 'oh my god, what would they think if they ever knew what I did?'
I do think I am a great wife and mother. I went thru something that I will live with for the rest of my life. I've picked up the pieces - asked XMM to stop contacting me - I told him that maybe someday we can be friends but it's highly unlikely.
I went to see a therapist because going through the withdrawal from an addiction SUCKS big time. I backed into a tree because at the time - guess what was on my mind? That's when I knew I needed to get really serious about getting this man out of my head!
Anyway, you will know when you are ready.
I'm not sure that I wanted to, but I know that I had to. But since I had to, I wanted to.
Does that make sense? LOL
I don't think I'll ever have with someone else what I had with him. But I've been married for a really long time. Happy. And he's married. Happy. There is no room for an A in a happy marriage.
Lovesec,
How I got to wanting to end it was when I started to go south emotionally. Experiencing stress over it, etc. I actually wanted to end it for quite awhile before I actually did. I even tried a few times, but always caved. And not because he was pressing me. I pursued it again. I guess the thing for me that finally did it was my H finding out, and me getting honest with him. It was heading that way. I was really starting to see that what I had thought was this great connection really had more to do with sex than true emotions. And I thought there were true emotions! The reality that we had to sneak, lie and betray really hit me square in the eyes. And once it was all revealed to DH, and his incredible hurt and anger, which is still happening three months later, showed itself, I just couldn't believe that I had done it. I looked back over the whole thing, and I just could NOT believe that I let myself participate in that. The shame and remorse was unbearable, and sometimes still is.
I had to really see that even if I were free, the MM would stay with his W, no matter how dysfunctional their life, and it IS dysfunctional. Extremely. But I knew he would stay. Truth is, I never REALLY wanted him to leave. But you can't help but have your pride wounded a bit to know that someone whom you know you treated with way more respect and caring than someone else did, would stay with that someone else. But, it's ok. I don't even care now. I really don't. As with any relationship, you just have to allow yourself the grieving process. You have to truly accept that it's over. That if it were meant to be, it would have been. Surely, you've had to let someone go in your life that you loved. An old boyfriend. You DO get over it. Life does get good again. In the three months since it ended, I can honestly say that I am better off for not being in it. I couldn't stand to be such a dishonest and disloyal person anymore. I couldn't stand ot sneak around like that. I just couldn't stand it anymore. It's very freeing when you get to that stage, and you will. Let it happen. Don't fight it. Every time you find yourself slipping back into fantasyland, remind yourself that it's all it is. Of course he seems like a prince. That's the whole thing with an A. You don't see the "real" person, warts and all. You see the "Affair face". You'll get over it in time. Just let yourself. Don't fight it anymore and don't hang on to the illusion.
JMHO
I'm still in the process of completely ending it. It has been ending in long stages. Now I'm at the point that I know that i can't even be his friend, which stinks.
I think reality hit me that he always was the one that made all the decisions, made up the rules, did what was good for him.....I got to a point where I was like, you know what I want my power back and now its my turn to decide what is good for me.
I realize that I'm not ready to leave H for a variety of reasons and this thing could drag on and on. It was draining me and not bringing me happiness anymore. I'm a bit of a codependent so I don't think I can honestly say that i WANT to end it...I think I just realize that I HAVE to.
Jazzdiva
"I can honestly say that i WANT to end it...I think I just realize that I HAVE to."
Ditto.
He would say "is this what you want?" Of course its not what I want, it's the way it has to be. What I want, I cannot have..and I'm done settling for little scraps of his time.