HOW TO DO THIS????

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
HOW TO DO THIS????
4
Sun, 11-07-2004 - 6:44pm
Big mistake getting involved with a friend's H!!! She just called me to invite us (me and my kids) to her daughter's b-day party. (the one having the surgery.) It's on Dec. 4th so hopefully I'll be healed enough to conquer this. How can I not go? All our children are friends and we always do this stuff together. I'm trying to think of an excuse to just drop my kids off and say I have to be somewhere during the party. MM will know it's not true I'm sure, but noone else will. Only problem, it's a pool party and don't know if it would be rude to leave other people in charge of my kids at a pool. I think it's gonna be hard maintaining NC since we're all supposed to be friends. I wish he would discourage her from calling me somehow. I really want NC!!!!! I can feel it helping already. But every time his W calls me it's like salt in the wound, especially when she starts talking about HIM!! I know I made my own bed, but how to deal with this??????
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 11-07-2004 - 7:59pm
hi there Pal--

It's not the easiest, but since this is the situation you have to deal with, you need to be strong and find a way. Not only do I need to deal with my XMM on the job, but I also see him socially from time to time when he and his W and me and my H are at parties or community events (like last night at a party!!).

I can't remember your ending, but did your A end with some sort of closure? Mine did, and at this point, I treat XMM like any other guy when he's around. I have the luxury of having had an "ending the affair" conversation, and because i got answers to some of the questions I had about our relationship, it has been a bit easier for me to cut the ties to the A and treat him like he was any other guy. Part of the reason I have been somewhat successful at that is because I have worked on mentally picturing him as just another guy and not someone with whom I had a relationship. That probably sounds weird, but I think if you work at it, you can train your mind to have whatever reaction to outside stimuli that you want. It just takes time and concentration...when he pops into your head, decie what reaction you want to have (thoughts of fondness, thoughts of "oh he's a nice guy," etc.), and then force that thought to be in your head when XMM comes to mind. Boy I hope that makes sense; otherwise y'all are probably think I am some sort of nut :-)

The other way I cope with seeing XMM is by thinking about his W and my friendship with her (some friendship), and what our A, if it had continued and been discovered, would mean to her and their children. She and I are not as close as you are with your XMM's spouse, but she is definitely someone I run into fairly often. My XMM's relationship with his wife is more platonic than anything else, but he does love her and she loves him. When they are together I feel strongly that everything I do should be in support of their relationship, even if it's not a perfect one. It's the least I can do for him, and for me.

Much of what I just said is only mind games...in other words, teaching myself to think and behave differently than I was during and just after the A. For me this has been a necessity; it's effective, but it's not perfect. I still have brief moments when I miss him, but I do my best to shove those thoughts off a very high cliff while I watch them crash and burn on the rocky bottom below :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Sun, 11-07-2004 - 9:10pm
Meg,

To answer your question, I don't think my A ended with any real closure. When he left my house for the "final " goodbye, (Fri morning), he said he did not love his W, didn't want to be in the Marriage, and since I want NC that he will respect that but he can't say he won't love me forever. He basically thinks he "owes" his family one more honest TRY at preserving his M, and I suppose he does. For some reason he thinks that he should be able to still see me and work on his M at the same time. I told him that he can't fix his M if I'm in the picture and he understood that. I even wished him luck and wished him happiness as he walked out my door in tears. So because things ended on such good terms with us, I still hold out hope that he will eventually leave her. No closure there. Not yet anyways. I, in the meantime, will do what it takes to move on with my life. If he leaves, I'd definately go back as of right now. But who knows how I will feel in the future once some time has passed. I hope I don't pine away for him forever!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 11-07-2004 - 9:59pm
hi there Pal--

By closure I was referring to getting the real story about the feelings you both have and why you have to end the A. By my definition, you DO have closure--it's just that you still My XMM and I both know that we love each other (hopefully that will turn to "loved" in time), but we both know that in our cases, love means letting go so that each of us can be truly happy. Our love was too dangerous--we knew we needed to be committed to our spouses. I KNOW that we will not be together again; even though I have strong feelings for him, I am happy that he is rebuilding with his wife because that is what will ultimeately be in his best interest.

My wish for you is that you will get past hoping for him to be with you. While it's a possibility, it could be a long wait and it could be never. While you are waiting a lot of life could pass you by. I don't want that to happen to you :-)

Meg

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 7:59am
I too was involved with a friends husband. It really is so complicated and difficult - both during the affair and after. Not a good situation.

I have felt how you are feeling many times - about to see him at an event. Knowing it will be uncomfortable. But you know what, if you hold your head up high and go with the right attitude it can also be a step that moves you forward. You can show yourself that life will go on without him and you can take your children to a birthday party he's at without it being a big deal, so the next one is ten times easier.

As far as the two of you, I really would close the door. Yes, you never know, maybe one day...But today is today. Don't sit in limbo waiting for him. The other poster is right, years of your life can pass you by. Years you can't get back.

You can do this!