how do get throught the days w/out him?

Avatar for stacymik
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2003
how do get throught the days w/out him?
5
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 2:33pm

Wow, it’s been at least a year since I've posted, it used to be on the support board, I thought I was making progress in my relationship, but everything is so messed up still.
A little background~
Affair started with co-worker, he instigated, we had known each other for 5 years, both of us early thirties, both unhappy in our marriages, I knew when we started affair, I was getting a divorce, just had to get the guts to tell my husband, he just said how “out of love” he had been for years, but basically was staying for the kids. We start seeing each other, I go through with divorce, he gets an apartment, and we still aren’t in the open because he’s my supervisor at work. this goes on for a while, then he becomes depressed, suicidal, not sure if he wants to work things out with wife, I have tried to stop seeing him numerous times, he begs me to stay, we are best friends, and I'm his support with the depression, ( he tells me he hasn’t felt emotions his whole life, he had a messed up childhood, and now it's like all of a sudden he can feel the hurt that has built up and been blocked out his whole life,) Tells me he loves me, wants a life with me, at the same time he's scared to get divorced. He attempts suicide, is off work on short term disability, we are out in the open with our relationship after suicide attempt, I found him and took him to hospital, and he’s kind of doing better, after stay at psyc hospital and now on antidepressants. Says he doesn’t want to get back together with his wife, but he doesn’t hate her either, they sometime do things together, I HATE that, I don't want to be in this screwed up love triangle anymore, but I CAN'T leave him, what the hell is wrong with me??? He took me out of state to meet his family for Thanksgiving, spends several nights a week at my place, calls me more than once everyday, but won't get divorced. He is freaking out about the holidays, I have a feeling he’s going to spend them with her and the kids, I want him to see his kids but, he can bring them to his place, not over at her house. I don't think this is ever going to change, he swears it will, he wants to get away after the holidays to work on his issues, (low self worth issues, depression, & so on) says he has to figure these things out before he can be in a relationship. (Has to love himself before he can love someone else) I totally agree, but he wants me to wait for him, not see anyone else, says he knows it’s selfish but he can’t help it. Please tell me what to do, I truly believe he loves me, but I think he still loves his wife too. I have said over and over, if that’s the case, fine, I'll step back and let them work things out, but he says no, that’s not what he wants. I don’t know, all I know is this sucks. I think after the holidays I will try to end it again if things are still like this, & I'm sure they will be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 2:45pm

You just persevere. It hurts like heck, but the writing is on the wall. He won't get a divorce. There is your answer. Not the one you want to hear, but the answer nonetheless.

Good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2004
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 3:00pm

I am going through the pain of trying to walk away from OM too. It is very hard, so I understand. It sounds like he has a lot of issues within himself to work on before he can have a relationship. Like the other post said, what does it matter if he won't get divorced. I think you should tell him you need to go on and if he is ready to file papers for a divorce, give you a call. If he does leave his wife, what will be with his emotional issues?

((HUGS))

The holidays don't make it any easier either. Good luck to you!

C

Avatar for stacymik
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2003
Thu, 12-23-2004 - 1:41am
Well, I guess I have my answer right in front of me, we were suppose to hang out to night and watch a movie or something, I picked up my kids and we were out looking at Christmas light, so I drove by his wife’s house (I know, I know) and guess what? There was his car in the drive at 9:45pm. The thing is he's going to be calling me any time now to ask how my day was, blah, blah, blah, and want to know what movie I want to watch. Should I ask him about being over there, he usually tells me if he was there, I told him I could deal with whatever his decision is (her or me) but to please just be honest with me, and tell me. What if he tells me he was hanging out with the kids or something else? I don't know why I make excuses for him, the bottom line is I don't want to be with someone who treats me like this, why is it so hard to let him go. And why doesn’t he just get back together with her if that’s what he wants?
Avatar for stacymik
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2003
Thu, 12-23-2004 - 4:40am
well I got drunk, he called, I said sure come over, he didn’t say he'd been with her, just that he brought his kids Christmas presents, and could he come over and bring the toys he'd gotten for my kids too, I of course said yes, I hate him, but keep letting this go on. He seemed distant, but I already knew he would be, here we go again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Thu, 12-23-2004 - 10:33am

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