how do i

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
how do i
8
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 1:01pm

okay so this went on for three months ... i am the married female and he is the single male ... we work at the same place (in different departments) but ran into one another at a bar one night and it went from there ... i have never done this before... we were together not even a handful of times ... and he ended it, just stopped talking with me one day, cut it off completely. i tried to be mature since i am older than he is and i was trying to maintain my dignity after feeling rejected. over a period of a few weeks i tried to get him to tell me, via e-mail and phone, what had happened, just so i would know, but he did not respond. i ended up going over to his place one night (i called first, he said it was okay to stop by) and asked him okay, what happened. he said he woke up one day and did not feel right about it, plus his friends were giving him grief. i said okay, that is fine, but then you don't even share your decision with ME? you just STOP talking with me altogether? how rude. and we have not talked since.

but i feel angry, and i have not gotten over this yet. and as murphy's law would have it, i run into him every few days at work, you know, that totally awkward thing (at least for me as the dumpee) where we are the only two people walking toward one another in a hallway. okay, why am i writing again? oh yes -- how do i handle myself when this happens, like it just did a second ago, when we run into one another? the last two times, since i have moved from the hurt "stage" to the "anger" stage, i walked right by and did not acknowledge him at all. both times he greeted me, but seriously, i am angry and not in the mood for small talk. any advice would be so helpful. i just cannot WAIT until i feel nothing at all when i see him. until then, i feel like an idiot because i got "dumped," at least that is how i see it anyway between the two of us. thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
In reply to: fzz12
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 2:21pm

FZZ

1)Cool politness on random meetings, your at work be a professional(never let them know your hurting).

2)Address the reasons you let this happen in the first place Marriage problems/midlife thing ETC...Your first concern should be your marriage and were it is at and were you want it to go and were it can realisticely go based on the facts.

Welcome to the board.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: fzz12
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 2:23pm
Ok but look at it this way- He didn't dump you because you weren't good enough, or because you weren't a person of value. He felt that this wasn't a good situation- you're married. How can you fault him for that? Granted- he should have chosen a better way of handling it. Not just ignoring you suddenly--but men are sometimes ignorant like that.. unfortunately. They get scared, or whatever and--just think it should be over. I am sure that his friends talked him into staying away from you..because you're a married woman. That's actually smart on his friends' part. It was good that you told him he should have been more open with you about his decision, rather than handling it as he did. For now when you pass him, all you can do is say hello (if you want) and keep going. But do not for one second let it make you feel like someone who has been "Dumped"..because it isn't like that..in his eyes, you're married- and that brings up a lot of issues. Some men fear having the husband find out and confront them--etc. there are a lot of things to be worrying over in these types of relationships..
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
In reply to: fzz12
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 3:37pm
thanks, you two. number one, as the first poster suggested, the marriage is not my "priority" right now, even though yes, it probably should be, and I am working on that. and number two, i really appreciate what the second poster said, i mean maybe i really am crazy but for some reason it made me feel a little better mentally ... that of course this is still over and whatnot but maybe now i can at least feel slightly better about it because maybe he really didn't break things off because he didn't like me. secretly in my mind i try to get through this by thinking he actually broke things off because he DID like me, but for the moment i am not completely available. i suppose in this whole case, *i* was not thinking about my marriage, but *he* was. how interesting is that. life is sure interesting sometimes. btw, i am 34 and he is 24, and man our chemistry was explosive, but yeah, i bet most 24-year-old guys really listen to the stuff their friends say. ah, but it was so sweet while it lasted. thank you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
In reply to: fzz12
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 5:56pm

FZZ

Most 24 year old males are way to unstable to trust your heart to, and yes the opinions of there friends mean a lot to them.

Your at way different places in life and what you want at 34 is different then what you want at 24 maybe he is smart enought to see that and backed off for that reason as well as not wanting to be the Other man.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: fzz12
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 8:45pm
Well I'm glad it helped a little anyway.. but yep- at his age and many ages- people will listen to their friends at times..Even a guy who might enjoy the sex and company--even those guys may think twice about prolonging something with a married woman. It's just downright scary when you think of all that could go wrong. I read a book recently where the woman having the affair- got pregnant and it wasn't her husband's. I know from experience, that when we fall for someone we can often block out the bad possibilities, but they sure exist. There are too many bad things that can happen in an EMA..and I won't list them all..but consider yourself lucky that you are not involved with him anymore. Instead, concentrate on what you want and need in this life..whether your marriage is worth saving and concentrating on etc.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
In reply to: fzz12
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 12:20am

fzz,

just be very very thankful that he has stopped it, i know rejection is hard but he did u a favor, at least he realize that in the end it would hurt u and him also

welcome to the board,
max

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
In reply to: fzz12
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 7:23am

Hi fzz,

Sounds as though you have received some great advice/ideas here already. I think for you (even though you may not believe it) it was a lucky escape and I agree that you definitely should not feel *dumped*. It was great while it lasted and now you have the unique opportunity to put it behind you and start focussing on what is important to you.

Take care - Liz :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
In reply to: fzz12
Fri, 05-13-2005 - 7:56am

thanks again you guys. i guess now i feel somewhat badly that i have been cold toward him the last two times we have run into one another. i am pretty sure that in time i will be able to at least smile and say hello, heck i will make myself do that today if i see him (which i hope i do not). it is hard for me to look into his eyes because they are pretty great eyes and they draw me in.

i just need to say, and i hope this doesn't sound stupid, but at first i was really shocked he would want to break it off ... not to sound like i'm all that but i was surprised a 24-year-old guy could/would want to refuse very compatible sx with another person, with no strings attached. i thought it seemed like a pretty good arrangement for us since it only happened once every couple of weeks and such. i guess i was wrong. then again, he does not know that since i started hanging out with him, i think i have only had sx with my H once - i just can't bring myself to do it. so if he (my former "other guy") sat there and thought that i went home and had this absolutely awesome relationship, he couldn't be more wrong, unfortunately. regardless, my thoughts always seem to "make sense" to me but when i throw them out there maybe i really am left of center - but that is familiar to me since i don't like to/usually choose the path a lot of people choose anyway. i'm sure most of you can identify with that. :) again, thanks, and posting here instead of wanting to email him or something (not that i would, but sure, i'd like to sometimes) is helpful.