How do I end it

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2005
How do I end it
18
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 12:35pm
So long story short, over a year ago I had an affair with a co worker and have no clue how to end it without my husband finding out. I've tried everything except just telling him it's over. He always threatens to tell everyone including my husband so I have to continue to act like we will someday be together. Any advise I appreciate, I'm at my wits end!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
In reply to: kellibug7
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 2:54pm
kelli,
I'm guessing no one really knows how to respond to this. I sure as hell don't. I had an A with a co-worker too. He told his friend, who in turn told my co-workers (after i had quit at least) but he never threatened ME that he would tell my husband. Most men would be too scared that the H would come after them for screwing their wife. So I think he is probably just saying this to you as a tool to try to keep you around. That is so sad and desperate. Please don't keep on being w/ this guy out of fear. I stayed in my A and let myself be used for mediocre sex for way too long, becuase I was just afraid he would say mean things to me. I can't imagine the fear you are having. I don't really know what to tell you to do. I would be very mad at someone for giving me such a horrible ultimatum.
I wish you all the strength in the world with this.
Hopefully someone has some better advise than me.
~hugs to you
~nuttmeg
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2005
In reply to: kellibug7
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 3:05pm
Thank you so much for the response. The kicker of it all is I haven't had sex with him in almost a year! I know it's my fault because I lead him on by telling him we will be together but I only do that out of fear of him telling my H. I have suggested we take a "break" hoping he would just move on but he never goes for it!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
In reply to: kellibug7
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 3:16pm

My question is "does he have any concrete evidence he could show your H?"
I know my XOM has various pairs of my skivvies along with a few gazillion incriminating emails. If he does not then you could basically just say "OK, then tell him" and see if he actually has the cajones to do it and take the risk that your hubby would pulvarize him. And then if he still tells you can DENY DENY DENY and there is really no proof anyways.
Can you look for another job? Is that even an option?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2005
In reply to: kellibug7
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 3:31pm
He has a million emails!!! I really love my job so that is not an option. I guess I just have to wait it out until he decides to leave, hopefully he go quietly!! My advise to anyone thinking of having A is to do it with a married man too. Mine is single so he has nothing to lose.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
In reply to: kellibug7
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 3:31pm

Is he married too? I'm assuming not, because otherwise he'd also have something to lose.

Anyone that would blackmail someone to be with them is just plain desparate. Unfortunately, I can't think of any good advise except to be careful of this guy, sounds a little scary to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
In reply to: kellibug7
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 4:01pm
Good luck girlfriend!!! I hope all turns out o.k for you and you figure out what to do in time!
~nutt
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
In reply to: kellibug7
Thu, 03-17-2005 - 10:46am
"He always threatens to tell everyone including my husband so I have to continue to act like we will someday be together."................This is definitely a power trip for OM. He will continue to make your life miserable as long as you let him. I believe you should call his bluff. You might tell his that if H finds out his life could be in danger. There is an outside chance that OM might be dangerous. Because of that you probably should think about telling H. I am sorry for your predictment but doing nothing will probably not solve the problem.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
In reply to: kellibug7
Thu, 03-17-2005 - 1:21pm

umm...how about going along like how some of these DO end....

tell him to go ahead and tell him but also make him know that this doesn't sound like someone who loves someone, to want to do something so hurtful to someone they LOVE (mirroring technique)? something like...
"I thought you loved me...why would you want to hurt me like this..make my life that much harder, put yourself at risk as well. You say you love me yet you want to create even more problems for me? How is that love? I am asking this for yourself...are you sure you are in love ...that you want that kind of thing to happen...really? That scares me that you'd want to hurt me like that...that is not what someone who loves someone wants...are you sure you love me? Ask yourself that. You really should ask yourself before you put yourself in a predicament because of me...because you are risking yourself as well...are you sure you love me because that is not a very loving thing to feel to WANT to do? I thought were friends at the very least...even a friend wouldn't do that to someone".

this plays along the person's sense of credibility. This wasn't done to me in these words but i was affected by this...i didn't do anything to harm him because I wanted to uphold that everything i said and did i meant..including love him and be his friend...and i think he knew this even when he wasn't being mine. I wont stoop to being dirty like him...hence he walks away unscathed even with all the info i have on him and part of my brain logically saying "fool..you coulda used it.." and then my heart being sincere and no one...no one...compromises my heart's integrity..even to my own heartbreak. So if your OM was like me..this would work lol but then again i'd never threaten in a million years. I let him know i knew stuff (contact info) just to let him know that i knew stuff but never used it to prove my integrity of my feelings. (confused yet?LOL)

(edit what you need lol)

Ask him if he loves you why would even think of something like that...and if he thinks of this..why does he think he loves you at all then i.e. what is love to him? If he DOESNT think he loves you why is he caring so much about any of this (this is kinda showing him that he is not in love with you but letting him see and figure that out from his own mind....they tend to believe it when its their idea...make sense?)make him question himself.

or just right out lie...

tell him your husband knows and is freaking out... I dont know if this would encourage him that you'd end up with him or not...this would cause some to run n hide but perhaps we are dealing with someone way into you and fantasizing that this would happen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
In reply to: kellibug7
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 7:45am
It happened a year ago? This guy just can't let go. Can't he find someone else to date? So much time has passed. Sounds like sexual harassment to me. Threaten him with that. Tell a co-worker this guy has been coming on to you for sometime. Tell him you've told your H that he is sexually hassassing you (you don't actually have to tell H this). Tell him if he doesn't stop bothering you you will file a Sexual Harassment claim against him and he'll have to answer to that. It'll be his word against yours. As far as what happened a year ago? Deny, deny, deny! And, if you have any kind of dirt on this guy, anything he may have done illegal, or inappropriate at work - use it to get him off your back.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2005
In reply to: kellibug7
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 1:02pm
OK so today he was like "do you want me to move on?" I was caught off guard and told him no. I never know what this guy is thinking. If I said yea I am afraid he'll go psycho on me and call my H!!! I am so lost I don't know how to shake this guy!!

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