how do i fall in love with my H after A

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2012
how do i fall in love with my H after A
Thu, 12-27-2012 - 11:47pm
Im new here i began my a 5 and a half years ago he is also married we both have kids and I always thought we would end up together but reality is i cant do that to my children and he wasnt going to leave his wife and kkds either. ending the a has been the hardest thing i have ever done. Its been over for 2 months now. I started my A because my husband truly neglected me. Too long to describe but i fell out of love with him long before the A began. H kind of discovered the A but not to the full extent. He thought i was just talking to my AP via phone and text. SInce then hes been trying to win me back. I just am not in love with H. I do love him but not the way i want to love. I need the connection, the intimacy, the affection, i dont have this with H. Not sure if we ever had this. Is It possible to fall in love especially after an A. Or do i simply fake it for the sake of my kids? I truly am trying. Has anyone else been through this after your A. How do you put the pieces back together. I feel like its shattered beyond repair . It makes me sad. I feel so lost. Empty. Annabella3


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2012
Sat, 12-29-2012 - 8:50pm

Hi, AB. There are several things you said in your last reply that I saw as red flags:

  • I am angry all around, and angry at my H for not cherishing me the way I feel like I deserved.
  • I just keep everything in. Put a fake smile on.
  • My A was a way to make my marriage bearable.
  • I am so resentful to (husband) for being such an emotionless arse to me.
  • (My husband) is extremely selfish, everything (my husband) wants comes first.
  • I was never number 1.

...and then you said, "my H deserves better."

Frankly, your situation sounds a lot like mine.  My M is all about my husband who takes up most of the space and sucks up all the attention in our life.

I *ran* to therapy after I got a reality check from a few wise people on this board.  We have an excellent therapist who is peeling back the layers/issues that primarly are my H's.

I urge you to closely examine the relationship you have with your H.  Be prepared to face your problems head-on.  It's possible they are fixable, but you must decide if this is a relationship you want to stay with.

Be proactive and move on to a life you deserve.

Good luck and keep us posted.



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Sun, 12-30-2012 - 6:47pm
One of the worse things you can continue to do is make excuses for having an A by blaming you H's lack of attention. That is unhealthy thinking. You may have been unhappy in your M but that isn't why you had an A. Usually it boils down to something much deeper. You must dig deep within and seek help to understand that when someone isn't happy in M, they find a way to work together to fix it or they leave the M. Masking the problems within yourself which caused you to be deceitful for 5 years is like putting perfume on a pig (no pun intended). It took years of therapy for me to realize the serious issues within me that made me cheat. It's painful to admit and address our own brokenness and easier to blame others for our awful behavior but if we confront our own demons we become healthier individuals. Find that thing in you that made you cheat and not make a healthier decision.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2012
Wed, 01-09-2013 - 2:07pm


I hope you're still reading your thread, not sure if these boards still email you when you receive a reply...Anyway I just wanted to say that I wish I knew the answer to your question! I am in a similar situation 8 months since the end of my affair and I have been unable despite all attempts to fall back in love with my H. Despite doing every conceivable thing possible. My H wasn't/isn't bad, has no major issues, but after spending over a year 'loving' XAP once it was over I couldn't get my feelings back for my H. I seem to be unique here on the boards, in that although others often have a similar lack of feeling for their H, they fake it, ignore it, focus on the other parts of their lives and accept this lack of feeling as their lot in life. I haven't been able to do this. It distresses me so much that I am with someone who I don't have the right feelings for and I cannot seem to accept it nor seem to change it. It seems that my H and I will be separating which feels terrible right now, but perhaps I hope that it will be an opportunity to find real love.

Sorry I have no answers, but if you find some yourself I'd love to hear!