how do i fall in love with my H after A

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2012
how do i fall in love with my H after A
13
Thu, 12-27-2012 - 11:47pm
Im new here i began my a 5 and a half years ago he is also married we both have kids and I always thought we would end up together but reality is i cant do that to my children and he wasnt going to leave his wife and kkds either. ending the a has been the hardest thing i have ever done. Its been over for 2 months now. I started my A because my husband truly neglected me. Too long to describe but i fell out of love with him long before the A began. H kind of discovered the A but not to the full extent. He thought i was just talking to my AP via phone and text. SInce then hes been trying to win me back. I just am not in love with H. I do love him but not the way i want to love. I need the connection, the intimacy, the affection, i dont have this with H. Not sure if we ever had this. Is It possible to fall in love especially after an A. Or do i simply fake it for the sake of my kids? I truly am trying. Has anyone else been through this after your A. How do you put the pieces back together. I feel like its shattered beyond repair . It makes me sad. I feel so lost. Empty. Annabella3

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 12-28-2012 - 11:35am

You were in the A a long time & you've only been out of it 2 mos so of course right now you're probably focused on missing your AP--it's not going to change overnight.  If you truly want to save the marriage, both you & DH have to make an effort and I think marriage counseling would help.  I agree w/ xxxs--you have to tell him specifically what you want.  You say that he was neglectful before, so what behaviors of his would you like him to change?  For ex, if he just always watched TV or went on the computer after dinner, then you need to tell him that every night you would like to talk to each other for at least 15 mins. uninterrupted by kids, TV or anything else--that is one way to start to reconnect.  Think about when you met--what attracted you to him?  Why did you agree to marry him?  Try to see if you can find those qualities again.  Do you want to have sex a certain no. of times a week to feel close?  Then tell him.  Try to go on date nights--I think so many parents get wrapped up in the needs of their children that they neglect the marriage--then those are the parents that when the last kid leaves home, they find out they have nothing to talk about when they are alone--a marriage has to be nurtured by both people and the best present that parents can give to their kids is to be a loving couple in a strong marriage.  I do think that you should at least try to make the connection w/ your DH but if you have tried for a while and don't feel that you still love him, then I don't know if staying for the kids is that great an idea--you will give them a role model of parents who don't really love each other.  You can both be loving parents even if you aren't together.  People will say they'll stay for the kids until they grow up and then get divorced and think then the kids will just be fine--they will still be upset if you get divorced when they are 18 and you'll just be wasting a lot of years of your life.

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Fri, 12-28-2012 - 9:21am

Just asking the question says that you understand there is a problem. I'm not sure there is a real answer.

Acceptance of what you have is a pretty standard answer, unless you can change the dynamics of what you really have. What you really have, is what got you where you are at. It's at full circle. You are back to the beginning. Looking for something different.

I am thinking that therapy and M counseling would be a good place to start. It is definitely YOU that has to change, and your thinking is a start to that end. YOU can’t stay at the same place and be involved in a marriage that drove you away. There has to be a lot of changes made.

Being in an A is detrimental to your M, and you will see that your thinking, your emotions change, as you come out of the A fog. Time heals faulty thinking. Give time, time.

I am a believer that IF you are staying in your M because of your kids, then you are making a mistake. They should be an important part of your life, but not the everything of your life. So far they haven't been. If you can't bond with your H then move on. Don't make everyone's life miserable just to be a martyr. 

Welcome to EAS, you are on a new journey. It is a road filled with bumps and unwanted curves. It's tough. It's a fight for your life. Your life is what is going to be determined by it. There is a lot of good people here who can give you support and help.

Good luck to you,

Rather....

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 12-28-2012 - 1:27am

  You must communicate your needs and wants.  H can't guess and after time we all fall into the comfort zone.  The time you were in the A pulse the prior years add up to a habit.  Exactly what do you want H to do ?  What does intimacy mean to you?  Sex? Appearance?  What about passion?  Are you or H taking any medications?  It is much more difficult to change entrenched behaviors than to start new ones.  Expectations of a quick turnaround are not going to be in most cases fulfilled.  It took years to get to here it will take time to get to there. 

   Now this "fall into love" thing.  Does that translate to excitement?  That needs to be defined.   Love is multifaceted. What are the home dynamics like?  Have you become "super mom" or has H become "super Dad"? 

  "Not sure if we ever had this"  Then how do you expect to seduce H and yourself to treat each other differently?  If you cannot define what is wrong, how can you address it?  The advantage if being shattered is that the clean sheet is there. 

dragowoman

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