how do i fall in love with my H after A

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2012
how do i fall in love with my H after A
13
Thu, 12-27-2012 - 11:47pm
Im new here i began my a 5 and a half years ago he is also married we both have kids and I always thought we would end up together but reality is i cant do that to my children and he wasnt going to leave his wife and kkds either. ending the a has been the hardest thing i have ever done. Its been over for 2 months now. I started my A because my husband truly neglected me. Too long to describe but i fell out of love with him long before the A began. H kind of discovered the A but not to the full extent. He thought i was just talking to my AP via phone and text. SInce then hes been trying to win me back. I just am not in love with H. I do love him but not the way i want to love. I need the connection, the intimacy, the affection, i dont have this with H. Not sure if we ever had this. Is It possible to fall in love especially after an A. Or do i simply fake it for the sake of my kids? I truly am trying. Has anyone else been through this after your A. How do you put the pieces back together. I feel like its shattered beyond repair . It makes me sad. I feel so lost. Empty. Annabella3

Pages

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 12-28-2012 - 1:27am

  You must communicate your needs and wants.  H can't guess and after time we all fall into the comfort zone.  The time you were in the A pulse the prior years add up to a habit.  Exactly what do you want H to do ?  What does intimacy mean to you?  Sex? Appearance?  What about passion?  Are you or H taking any medications?  It is much more difficult to change entrenched behaviors than to start new ones.  Expectations of a quick turnaround are not going to be in most cases fulfilled.  It took years to get to here it will take time to get to there. 

   Now this "fall into love" thing.  Does that translate to excitement?  That needs to be defined.   Love is multifaceted. What are the home dynamics like?  Have you become "super mom" or has H become "super Dad"? 

  "Not sure if we ever had this"  Then how do you expect to seduce H and yourself to treat each other differently?  If you cannot define what is wrong, how can you address it?  The advantage if being shattered is that the clean sheet is there. 

dragowoman

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Fri, 12-28-2012 - 9:21am

Just asking the question says that you understand there is a problem. I'm not sure there is a real answer.

Acceptance of what you have is a pretty standard answer, unless you can change the dynamics of what you really have. What you really have, is what got you where you are at. It's at full circle. You are back to the beginning. Looking for something different.

I am thinking that therapy and M counseling would be a good place to start. It is definitely YOU that has to change, and your thinking is a start to that end. YOU can’t stay at the same place and be involved in a marriage that drove you away. There has to be a lot of changes made.

Being in an A is detrimental to your M, and you will see that your thinking, your emotions change, as you come out of the A fog. Time heals faulty thinking. Give time, time.

I am a believer that IF you are staying in your M because of your kids, then you are making a mistake. They should be an important part of your life, but not the everything of your life. So far they haven't been. If you can't bond with your H then move on. Don't make everyone's life miserable just to be a martyr. 

Welcome to EAS, you are on a new journey. It is a road filled with bumps and unwanted curves. It's tough. It's a fight for your life. Your life is what is going to be determined by it. There is a lot of good people here who can give you support and help.

Good luck to you,

Rather....

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 12-28-2012 - 11:35am

You were in the A a long time & you've only been out of it 2 mos so of course right now you're probably focused on missing your AP--it's not going to change overnight.  If you truly want to save the marriage, both you & DH have to make an effort and I think marriage counseling would help.  I agree w/ xxxs--you have to tell him specifically what you want.  You say that he was neglectful before, so what behaviors of his would you like him to change?  For ex, if he just always watched TV or went on the computer after dinner, then you need to tell him that every night you would like to talk to each other for at least 15 mins. uninterrupted by kids, TV or anything else--that is one way to start to reconnect.  Think about when you met--what attracted you to him?  Why did you agree to marry him?  Try to see if you can find those qualities again.  Do you want to have sex a certain no. of times a week to feel close?  Then tell him.  Try to go on date nights--I think so many parents get wrapped up in the needs of their children that they neglect the marriage--then those are the parents that when the last kid leaves home, they find out they have nothing to talk about when they are alone--a marriage has to be nurtured by both people and the best present that parents can give to their kids is to be a loving couple in a strong marriage.  I do think that you should at least try to make the connection w/ your DH but if you have tried for a while and don't feel that you still love him, then I don't know if staying for the kids is that great an idea--you will give them a role model of parents who don't really love each other.  You can both be loving parents even if you aren't together.  People will say they'll stay for the kids until they grow up and then get divorced and think then the kids will just be fine--they will still be upset if you get divorced when they are 18 and you'll just be wasting a lot of years of your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2008
Fri, 12-28-2012 - 11:40am

I could have written the same post.  I am NC for a month and a half and I still grieve the intimacy and sharing I had with xAP.  I never had that with H, ever.  I stayed with H because I couldn't leave him, but I am not in love with him.  Difficult place to be. I don't have any answers, just wanted you to know you're not alone.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Fri, 12-28-2012 - 3:06pm

Two months out is not a long time. Think of your A as a relationship, even though it was an A, it was still a relationship in many ways like any other relationship. No one would suggest that one is ready to truly move on from a relationship that has ended, after only two months. If someone becomes involved with another person that soon, most people would not give that new relationship much chance as they would chalk it up to a rebound. You are not even close to being ready to really move on from the A. Perhaps some individial counseling might be beneficial now, but I question how much good it would do to start to reconnect with your H so soon.I don't think at this point you can probably expect to be in any better place than you are right now, fresh out of the A. Give yourself some more time to clear your head.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Fri, 12-28-2012 - 5:53pm

Hi Annabella :)

I think the responses you have already received are solid, and I just really wanted to welcome you to EAS.

I will reinforce the suggestion for individual counseling.  Because really, turning to an affair rather than facing our real-life challenges head on is all about us....so delving into our core issues with a professional, getting ourselves back on solid ground, and allowing more time for the affair fog to lift to gain some clarity is an important first step for our own recovery.  Once back on solid ground and thinking clearly, then is a better time to reassess a marriage/current relationship.

I've been on these Boards long enough to see how people have felt as you do...that their marriage seems shattered, but it has not always been the case.  Many have managed to rekindle.  Don't despair...and don't give up hope.  Take care of yourself first and things will begin to fall into place.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2012
Fri, 12-28-2012 - 10:23pm

I agree.  Therapy is 100% the best advice.  I had an A for ~ 6 mos.  It was an escape from my M.  My H is insecure and angry.  I felt trapped.  The A (with a separated man with his own unclear future) was a temporary way out - but not the answer.

Don't know if our M will survive but therapy and also a lot of spiritual soul-searching is what I'm all about right now. 

Good luck!

Best,

PAC

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sat, 12-29-2012 - 3:08am

I don't think you can force yourself to fall in love with your H if that connection was never there, which it really doesn't sound like your sure it ever was. Could be you married a man that can't give you what you need because it's just not in him. I guess change is always possible if you both work hard on trying to salvage your marriage, but it comes down to what you are both willing to do. Are you both willing to go to marriage counseling? Is he willing to try work hard on giving you what you need? Are you willing to maybe settle for contentment rather than in love? Sometimes an affair works to sustain a bad marriage and make it bearable because you're getting what you need from the affair, so when the affair goes so does the marriage. I wish you good luck no matter what you decide.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2011
Sat, 12-29-2012 - 10:14am
Hi Annabella, Five and a half years being entrenched in an affair is very difficult to end, especially if you have been 100% emotionally invested. You basically have been 'divorced' from your husband during this time. But you can change your marriage and come to the place where you once were when you met your H. Difficult? Yes. But if it is something you choose to do and your husband is willing to change then it is very possible. For your part, you would have to come to a place of forgiveness. Forgiving your husband for EVERY real and perceived wrong he has done since you have been married. I guess I would be very angry, hurt, rejected, sad, mad...so on and so forth if I were in your place and my husband had checked out of my marriage. Oh..wait a second....my husband did that! Hah. It took a lot of work on my part to forgive him and let go of the pain. It took even more work to let go 'emotionally' of xap. But you can do it. You are not lost, you have yet to garner the tools you need to move forward with your life. Continue posting and doing the work and in time you will have this whole A stuff behind youl. best, progression
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2012
Sat, 12-29-2012 - 3:45pm

Thank you everyone for your posts.  Safe to say I am still in the A fog and I need to deal with that before I can honestly try and fall back in love with H.  I also suffer from major guilt about the way I have been living my life for the last 5+ years.  I am angry all around, and angry at my H for not cherishing me the way I feel like I deserved.  I ended the A, he made me feel that way.  He always said he will always cherish me.  But bottom line is he is married and has 3 kids himself.  I cant and dont want to ruin 2 families.  My new years resolution is to go to therapy.  I need it and hopefully I can incorprate couples therapy with my H.  I just need to figure out how I live in the meantime.  I cant tell my H how I am truly feeling so I just keep everyhting in.  Put a fake smile on.  But my children truly give me happiness so I will focus on them.  My A was a way to make my marriage bearable and now without it I feel completely lost.  My H deserves better even though I am so resentful to him for being such an emotionless arse to me.  I have been married to him for 17 years together for 25 years.  He loves me but I know the man he is, he is kind, smart, funny, successful but what I cant get past is he is extremely selfish, everything he wants comes first.  I was never number 1.  He says I am now but he is desperate mode.  I have to let go of the resentment.  Thank you everyone for the advise and words of encouragement.  I visit this board quite often to get me through my bad days (often) and will continue to do so. Thank you all again!!!

Annabella

 

Pages