how do i fall in love with my H after A

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2012
how do i fall in love with my H after A
13
Thu, 12-27-2012 - 11:47pm
Im new here i began my a 5 and a half years ago he is also married we both have kids and I always thought we would end up together but reality is i cant do that to my children and he wasnt going to leave his wife and kkds either. ending the a has been the hardest thing i have ever done. Its been over for 2 months now. I started my A because my husband truly neglected me. Too long to describe but i fell out of love with him long before the A began. H kind of discovered the A but not to the full extent. He thought i was just talking to my AP via phone and text. SInce then hes been trying to win me back. I just am not in love with H. I do love him but not the way i want to love. I need the connection, the intimacy, the affection, i dont have this with H. Not sure if we ever had this. Is It possible to fall in love especially after an A. Or do i simply fake it for the sake of my kids? I truly am trying. Has anyone else been through this after your A. How do you put the pieces back together. I feel like its shattered beyond repair . It makes me sad. I feel so lost. Empty. Annabella3

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2012
Wed, 01-09-2013 - 2:07pm

Hi,

I hope you're still reading your thread, not sure if these boards still email you when you receive a reply...Anyway I just wanted to say that I wish I knew the answer to your question! I am in a similar situation 8 months since the end of my affair and I have been unable despite all attempts to fall back in love with my H. Despite doing every conceivable thing possible. My H wasn't/isn't bad, has no major issues, but after spending over a year 'loving' XAP once it was over I couldn't get my feelings back for my H. I seem to be unique here on the boards, in that although others often have a similar lack of feeling for their H, they fake it, ignore it, focus on the other parts of their lives and accept this lack of feeling as their lot in life. I haven't been able to do this. It distresses me so much that I am with someone who I don't have the right feelings for and I cannot seem to accept it nor seem to change it. It seems that my H and I will be separating which feels terrible right now, but perhaps I hope that it will be an opportunity to find real love.

Sorry I have no answers, but if you find some yourself I'd love to hear!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Sun, 12-30-2012 - 6:47pm
One of the worse things you can continue to do is make excuses for having an A by blaming you H's lack of attention. That is unhealthy thinking. You may have been unhappy in your M but that isn't why you had an A. Usually it boils down to something much deeper. You must dig deep within and seek help to understand that when someone isn't happy in M, they find a way to work together to fix it or they leave the M. Masking the problems within yourself which caused you to be deceitful for 5 years is like putting perfume on a pig (no pun intended). It took years of therapy for me to realize the serious issues within me that made me cheat. It's painful to admit and address our own brokenness and easier to blame others for our awful behavior but if we confront our own demons we become healthier individuals. Find that thing in you that made you cheat and not make a healthier decision.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2012
Sat, 12-29-2012 - 8:50pm

Hi, AB. There are several things you said in your last reply that I saw as red flags:

  • I am angry all around, and angry at my H for not cherishing me the way I feel like I deserved.
  • I just keep everything in. Put a fake smile on.
  • My A was a way to make my marriage bearable.
  • I am so resentful to (husband) for being such an emotionless arse to me.
  • (My husband) is extremely selfish, everything (my husband) wants comes first.
  • I was never number 1.

...and then you said, "my H deserves better."

Frankly, your situation sounds a lot like mine.  My M is all about my husband who takes up most of the space and sucks up all the attention in our life.

I *ran* to therapy after I got a reality check from a few wise people on this board.  We have an excellent therapist who is peeling back the layers/issues that primarly are my H's.

I urge you to closely examine the relationship you have with your H.  Be prepared to face your problems head-on.  It's possible they are fixable, but you must decide if this is a relationship you want to stay with.

Be proactive and move on to a life you deserve.

Good luck and keep us posted.

((HUGS))

PAC

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2012
Sat, 12-29-2012 - 3:45pm

Thank you everyone for your posts.  Safe to say I am still in the A fog and I need to deal with that before I can honestly try and fall back in love with H.  I also suffer from major guilt about the way I have been living my life for the last 5+ years.  I am angry all around, and angry at my H for not cherishing me the way I feel like I deserved.  I ended the A, he made me feel that way.  He always said he will always cherish me.  But bottom line is he is married and has 3 kids himself.  I cant and dont want to ruin 2 families.  My new years resolution is to go to therapy.  I need it and hopefully I can incorprate couples therapy with my H.  I just need to figure out how I live in the meantime.  I cant tell my H how I am truly feeling so I just keep everyhting in.  Put a fake smile on.  But my children truly give me happiness so I will focus on them.  My A was a way to make my marriage bearable and now without it I feel completely lost.  My H deserves better even though I am so resentful to him for being such an emotionless arse to me.  I have been married to him for 17 years together for 25 years.  He loves me but I know the man he is, he is kind, smart, funny, successful but what I cant get past is he is extremely selfish, everything he wants comes first.  I was never number 1.  He says I am now but he is desperate mode.  I have to let go of the resentment.  Thank you everyone for the advise and words of encouragement.  I visit this board quite often to get me through my bad days (often) and will continue to do so. Thank you all again!!!

Annabella

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2011
Sat, 12-29-2012 - 10:14am
Hi Annabella, Five and a half years being entrenched in an affair is very difficult to end, especially if you have been 100% emotionally invested. You basically have been 'divorced' from your husband during this time. But you can change your marriage and come to the place where you once were when you met your H. Difficult? Yes. But if it is something you choose to do and your husband is willing to change then it is very possible. For your part, you would have to come to a place of forgiveness. Forgiving your husband for EVERY real and perceived wrong he has done since you have been married. I guess I would be very angry, hurt, rejected, sad, mad...so on and so forth if I were in your place and my husband had checked out of my marriage. Oh..wait a second....my husband did that! Hah. It took a lot of work on my part to forgive him and let go of the pain. It took even more work to let go 'emotionally' of xap. But you can do it. You are not lost, you have yet to garner the tools you need to move forward with your life. Continue posting and doing the work and in time you will have this whole A stuff behind youl. best, progression
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sat, 12-29-2012 - 3:08am

I don't think you can force yourself to fall in love with your H if that connection was never there, which it really doesn't sound like your sure it ever was. Could be you married a man that can't give you what you need because it's just not in him. I guess change is always possible if you both work hard on trying to salvage your marriage, but it comes down to what you are both willing to do. Are you both willing to go to marriage counseling? Is he willing to try work hard on giving you what you need? Are you willing to maybe settle for contentment rather than in love? Sometimes an affair works to sustain a bad marriage and make it bearable because you're getting what you need from the affair, so when the affair goes so does the marriage. I wish you good luck no matter what you decide.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2012
Fri, 12-28-2012 - 10:23pm

I agree.  Therapy is 100% the best advice.  I had an A for ~ 6 mos.  It was an escape from my M.  My H is insecure and angry.  I felt trapped.  The A (with a separated man with his own unclear future) was a temporary way out - but not the answer.

Don't know if our M will survive but therapy and also a lot of spiritual soul-searching is what I'm all about right now. 

Good luck!

Best,

PAC

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Fri, 12-28-2012 - 5:53pm

Hi Annabella :)

I think the responses you have already received are solid, and I just really wanted to welcome you to EAS.

I will reinforce the suggestion for individual counseling.  Because really, turning to an affair rather than facing our real-life challenges head on is all about us....so delving into our core issues with a professional, getting ourselves back on solid ground, and allowing more time for the affair fog to lift to gain some clarity is an important first step for our own recovery.  Once back on solid ground and thinking clearly, then is a better time to reassess a marriage/current relationship.

I've been on these Boards long enough to see how people have felt as you do...that their marriage seems shattered, but it has not always been the case.  Many have managed to rekindle.  Don't despair...and don't give up hope.  Take care of yourself first and things will begin to fall into place.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Fri, 12-28-2012 - 3:06pm

Two months out is not a long time. Think of your A as a relationship, even though it was an A, it was still a relationship in many ways like any other relationship. No one would suggest that one is ready to truly move on from a relationship that has ended, after only two months. If someone becomes involved with another person that soon, most people would not give that new relationship much chance as they would chalk it up to a rebound. You are not even close to being ready to really move on from the A. Perhaps some individial counseling might be beneficial now, but I question how much good it would do to start to reconnect with your H so soon.I don't think at this point you can probably expect to be in any better place than you are right now, fresh out of the A. Give yourself some more time to clear your head.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2008
Fri, 12-28-2012 - 11:40am

I could have written the same post.  I am NC for a month and a half and I still grieve the intimacy and sharing I had with xAP.  I never had that with H, ever.  I stayed with H because I couldn't leave him, but I am not in love with him.  Difficult place to be. I don't have any answers, just wanted you to know you're not alone.

Pages