How do I get over this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2005
How do I get over this?
5
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 5:38pm
I have been going thru hell in the last 70 days. I was happily married for 10 years with 2 beautiful kids. I was having an affair with a colleague at work. I dont know whether to call it an affair but I guess most people would call it an emotional affair as I used to talk to this man a lot, mostly about work sometimes not about work but not much personal. I started talking to him when I saw him leave a meeting angrily and I called him up to advice him about handling problems with Boss(I had done this earlier with a girl friend). He thought I was being very supportive and then he called me up very frequently to talk, I too responded to his calls. Then I went out for a coffee once with him(in fact I had called him out for coffee). Then I took a ride from him when my car was getting repaired. And then there was this day when I had to stay back at work becos of some concert and I went out for dinner with him, had wine(I dont drink usually but get drunk even with a 6% alcohol drink) and later responded when he kissed me in his car(there was some fondling but no intercouse or touching anywhere below waist, in fact I did not touch him anywhere below his neck). Immediately I was guilty. This whole event from start to kissing happened in 8 days. I could not sleep that night becos I thought I loved my H dearly and here I had cheated on him. I have been brought up a strict catholic and cheating was absolutely unacceptable and I was supposed to be a very good girl(literally good doing never a wrong). Next day I told my husband part of it like he had pushed me away as he was not paying attention and that I was attracted to another guy. I knew telling my H would end everything. As this was caused more by secrecy. My H started reacting slowly to it initially for 2 days he was trying to guess what happened. Then he wanted to know everything and slowly he came to know of everything. He was totally in rage and I was truly remorseful. I did whatever he asked me to do(I quit my job, I was ready to go back to my parents even booked my ticket, then he asked me to cancel ). He was totally pained, I could see that and I was disappointed in myself too for letting myself down and being weak and self destructive. I am very very remorseful and depressed. The dr. even prescribed me anti-depressants. I feel my ability to be happy has been completely lost and my ability to make people around me happy has been completely lost. I feel everyone looks at me judgementally. I feel everyone around me is righteous other than me. I feel I ruined my kids life and would never be a good mother. I try to say this is a mistake(ever in my whole life 34 years). But the guilt and remorse overrides everthing. Will I ever be happy? Will my life be like this hence forth? Does anyone have any answers for me. Most of time I wonder why should I live this worthless life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 9:29pm

Very

What you did was very foolish no question about it, BUT I think you guilt may be causing you to over react a bit.

If you and your husband use these events to seek MC to address the issues in your marriage and YOU seek individual counceling to address the WHY you choose to involve yourself with this OM then your marriage can come out of this stronger with better COMMUNICATIONS then it had in the past, if you both can look at this as an opportunity to tackle the problems to gether then your family can have a great future together.

I suggest that you invite your husband to read your post, if he sees your genuine remorse and the fact that this whole thing was very brief and limited in scope it may help him deal with it emotionally.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2005
Sat, 02-26-2005 - 8:46am
My husband was filled with rage for the first 40-45 days. Now he has calmed down. He had gone out of the house 2 times for a night or so without telling me where he was. Later I came to know he was in his school. What I dont understand is why do people in good marriages do this? Why did I let myself do that? The day I took the ride from this OM he had asked me if I was attracted to him I said I dont know and he understood it as yes and he said that we should have sex and get over it. When I told him I did not want to have sex with him he kept on telling me that he is extremely sorry and that my friendship means a lot and he just wants to be my friend. And then I go out with him 2 days later, drink wine and kiss him. I met him once the next day to tell him especially that I was feeling very very guilty but he just dismissed it as "it just happened". What is "it just happened"? Dont men and women have control oer what happens? That night I told my husband. Now he is quite upset that maybe I did this becos he did not take care of me properly. I love him very much and he loves me very much. Will we get back whatever we had?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Sat, 02-26-2005 - 11:12am

~VR~


Yes, you made a mistake but you have my admiration for facing up to it. Telling your husband took great strength on your part. Not too many women have that kind of courage and you will see that with time, your marriage can become stronger than ever if the two of you are committed to working on it. Your husband is in pain, so give him as much time as he needs to get past this.



This

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 02-26-2005 - 1:11pm

Very

The reasons YOU CHOOSE to do what you did are to be found in you and you alone, with the help of a GOOD councelor you can learn the truth and use that knowledge not screw up again.

The fact that you are genuinely working on dealing with YOU issues that lead to this may help your husband see that you are a good risk in the future.

Can you get back what you had YES "BUT" it will not be quick or easy, the damage done to your husbands trust in you and his selfworth as a man and person could take years to heal, be prepare to spend years repairing the dammage of 8 DAYS.

The OM has just shown his lack of CHARACTER some men have HONOR some do not, do not worry about him focus on YOU, you did what you did for YOU and know other reason, deal with your own issues and there is no slug in the world who will be able to involve you in this sort of crap a second time.

jmho

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2005
Sat, 02-26-2005 - 9:59pm
Trust me.. I have been in your shoes with a coworker. I too had more of an emotional A, but my A went a little farther that yours. We did not have sex, but we did everything else. I too am Catholic and the good girl and everytime I was with this OMM, we both felt such guilt and knew what we were doing was so wrong, yet it became an addiction. We felt we literally had no control over the situation. I only had 1 bf before my husband and I never went beyond second base with him, so this is so out of character for me. I was in a loving marriage and never thought I would be the kind of person to have an A. I too couldn't live with the guilt, so I confessed to my husband. This was a mess... Whats worse is after I confessed, I messed up again and once again confessed again to my husband. My bags were packed and my marriage was over, but as I was walking out of the door, I went up to my husband (in tears - sobbing is more like it) and told him how sorry I was and how much I still love)... He too couldn't let me go. It has been a VERY rough 4 months, but each day is getting better. We are at the point where some days are almost normal between us. Some days are actually better with us than before I had the A. And then there are days where either he or I cannot get this out of our heads. I still work with my OMM and it is VERY hard not to slip back into the addiction again, but I am trying so hard. I know I am rambling, but I just want you to know that you are not alone and messing up even happens to the best of us - good wholesome Catholic girls. The first thing you have to do is forgive yourself. We are not perfect and just remember that you are still a good person and that GOD will forgive you if you are truly sorry. In time, things will get better between you are your husband and in time, you will learn that life moves on. You (like I) will NEVER forget what we done to ourselves and to our husbands, but you must move on and know deep down that we are not perfect and that we all make mistakes (some are just bigger than others). Keep your chin up and just know that you are not alone. We will get through this... (((HUGS)))