How do I get over him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
How do I get over him?
5
Sun, 10-10-2004 - 6:38am
Hi,

I never thought I would be writing a post in this section, but here goes! I have been married to my H for 14 years all of which were happy, and then for some reason I started having feeling for one of his friends, he was always popping in for coffee and pouring his heart out to me about his loveles relationship. After about 6 months of this we got talking about how we felt and realised that we both had strong feelings for each other, but because of the situation we decided we would not go down that road, unfortunately this did not happen and we ended up having sex (just the once) after we had done the deed, he had a lot of guilt and he kept away from me. I found this really hard to cope with as I had only ever slept with my husband before and felt really used and guilty. After another couple of months of being really depressed losing a lot of weight and destroying my husband, I broke down and confessed to my husband what had been going on. My H was devestated but after a couple of days he told me that he still loved me and wanted to put it behind us and give our marriage another go. I have really seen another side of my husband since I confessed and realise how much he actually loves me,I would love to be the person I was a year ago, but something is holding me back, i cant tell him I love him anymore and the thought of making love to him again is really hard, Is this the guilt? or are we not meant to be? i just cant seem to work it out!. My husband told me a few stories about the person I slept with, how he has a passion for prostitutes and really kinky sex, which are true, he asked if we done anything like that! the man I thought I was having an affair with just did not appear to be like that, he had me totally taken in and I really thought I had met my soul mate, I feel such a fool to have been taken in by so many lies. Do you think that is the problem? (my pride) I just dont know which way to turn, I feel like I dont deserve my husband, but also feel that I could never trust another man.

Please help, I could really do with some good honest advice!!!!

thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Sun, 10-10-2004 - 9:46am
<<>>

Why's that? Sounds like, looks like, and unfortunately *smells* like the rotten aftermath of an affair ;) That's what we are here for..to support you in anyway we can :)

<<>>

What about you? Did you feel any guilt during this time as well?

<>

This was the best line of action for you to take, IMO.

<<>>

Are you in counseling? If not, you need to consider it. Guilt issues ARE playing a huge role in why you can't reach out physically/emotionally to your husband.

<<>>

Just curious, did you know any of this before the A? If not, you are suffering from a double betrayal. Yours and your husband's. I believe that *shame* is also shutting you down from being able to connect with H again.

<<>>>

Welcome to *Fantasy Island*. Affairs are loaded with lies and deceptions. You feel unable to trust another man because you are internally processing your *own* trust issues as to whether you, yourself, can be a trustworthy person. Again, counseling would benefit you.

Why did you entitle this thread, "How do I get over him?" You never once mentioned that you still have strong feelings for your AP. Is this part of your life OVER? Or are you still in contact with this user?

Sweetie, sounds to me like you have a super man at home who has forgiven you for a terrible breach of trust, and that your guilt and shame are not letting him back into your heart. Is that really fair? You have to decide if you want to even stay married, because hurting this man like this, IMO, is an additional betrayal. You both need to enter marriage counseling, if he is willing to do so, and if not, for your own sake seek counseling.

Affairs tear people/marriages/families apart. Even a ONS (one night stand) can blow trust out of the water. Your AP took advantage of you, and you NEED to let that mistake GO!Forgive yourself....work on why you let this happen....talk to a professional.

We are here for you. Write as often as you need. The weekends are slow, but you will receive more replies and different POV's if you remain patient. Good luck,

~True~

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Sun, 10-10-2004 - 10:01am
Harley,

I can tell you exactly how you can get over him. Go back to that deal, do it again, and lose your H. That will get you over him so fast it will make your head spin. I know because it's happened to me. Obviously, if you didn't know all of the things that your H knows about him, you didn't really know him. And if you don't really know someone, they AREN'T your soulmate. Just like everyone else on this board, you fell in love with a fantasy. Perhaps you're having trouble getting back into your marriage because you do feel guilt. Perhaps there's a part of you that doesn't want to let the fantasy go. Perhaps you're overwhelmed. All I can tell you from my experience is to understand that what you had with this guy was not reality. Be grateful that it only happened once and get on with your life. Until you stop thinking of this man as more than what he really was, there's no room for your H in your heart. The fantasy is more powerful than the reality you had with H. But it doesn't have to stay that way. Forget "Mr. Wonderful", focus on the one you know IS wonderful, your H, and things will get better in time.

Bood luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 10-10-2004 - 5:42pm
Hi

I agree with the last to posters.

You got into this because you broke a cardinal rule, you never share the private details of your marriage relationship with another man or LISTEN to his, that is the road to cheating.

You not feeling worthy of your husband and that may be part of the reason you are having such a hard time, FORGIVE YOURSELF you owe that to your husband, move on and see the OM/pervert/user for what he really is and that is not your soalmate, NOTHING is meant to be that is just a big bunch of B/S people feed themselves and others to justify doing WRONG.

NO CONTACT with the X Cheating married man is a must.

Counciling could be a help, TALKING TO YOUR HUSBAND about your feelings is a must, connection is established for women by TALKING, the way to a womans heart and body is through her ears.

In case you don't get it XCMM was lieing about his loveless marriage or at least stretching the truth big time to get you into bed, he does not love you he just old fashioned wanted to have sex with you.

Now focus on your HUSBAND and Marriage both can be saved.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 6:08am
Hi again,

thanks for your reply. Yes I did feel a lot of guilt at this time, but also used. Although we only slept together the once, we had met up on several occassions and talked and talked and talked, mainly about how things would be if we were together.

In answer to your question (Did i know before how kinky he was?) No i had no idea, it was one of the things i liked about him, he was very romantic towards me, and seemed to have a lot of respect for me.

Yes I have just started counceling but at £50 a go, I dont know how long i will be able to keep it up for, also my husband thinks I am better going on my own as he thinks I am the one with issues to deal with.

I entiled the thread "How do I get over him" because I dont think I have, I would not go there again for all the tea in China, but I have so much hurt towards him which I can not express as I am no longer in contact with him. I do still have feelings for him but keep telling myself that I cant have feelings for someone who I never knew, I thought I knew him really well, but now I think everything he told me was a lie.

Thanks again for your support, It really helps to get other peoples opinions.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 10:42am
<<>>>

As a rule, women become 1st emotionally attached to a man before they want to have sex with them. Our largest sex organ IS the mind and once we connect to someone we are usually goners. That is why we give the advice on this board for those who have not had sex yet with "Mr. Fantasy Land", to PLEASE refrain from doing so. Once the line is crossed, breaking away becomes far more difficult.

Easier said than done, but SEVER the emotions and the healing will begin. IT WILL BE ONE OF THE HARDEST THINGS YOU HAVE EVER DONE, so understand this is why you still have feelings for this man. It's been 4.5 months since I eneded my affair, and he is STILL in my head, but no longer in my heart.

The more you concentrate on Hubby, the less you will think about XMM. He will always be there, but you have to associate thoughts of him with...UMMMMM.......how about a recoiling Boa Constrictor???!!! Yeah, that might do the trick :)

You know, I thank God everyday that I don't have to deal with a hurt or angry husband at home. I just wouldn't have the strength to rebuild, so for all of you going through this nightmare, I will wish you peace, strength, and "STAY AWAY FROM SNAKES!!" :)

~True~