How do I know?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
How do I know?
32
Thu, 04-14-2011 - 10:41pm

Here's a quick question that's been bothering me today: How do I know whether I'm making real progress or whether the shelter provided by NC is just concealing the work that still remains to be done?

I'm coming up to three months NC and - on the whole - I feel centred and content.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Fri, 04-15-2011 - 5:28pm
RBM, what a wonderful response. Thank you!! You've given me the courage to face the next two weeks away from home. I've swept away all of those ridiculous questions: "What happens if I see him? How will I feel? Will I have the strength to stay true to what I've learned? How will he respond? What will I do if ..." And I've replaced them all with two words "Be prepared". In order to get through the next two weeks, it doesn't matter how he feels or how I feel or how he makes me feel or any of the rest of it. All I need to know is that if I see him I will say "I need to go. I can't talk with you" and walk away. The rest of it I can deal with later in the safety of EAS. That's a plan that I can manage! Thanks RBM.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Fri, 04-15-2011 - 8:03pm

Hi Kat

Well you got some great responses to this. They have been fantastic to me to read as well. My NC is going strong, I really do see how much better I feel now that its over, but gosh those feel-good withdrawals are strong some days.

I particularly liked the post from RBM about the REAL reason the feelgoods had such a hold need to be addressed. I also liked the other post (forgoten her name but what a great post) about really identifying what we were missing (passion, attention etc) and finding them in our daily non-A lives.

It all comes down to the same thing doesnt it- why did we do it??? Something was lacking (4 A's plus self-disciplined boundaries for me). We need to identify those and deal with them. Until then NC will allow us to work on the issues. Once the issues are addressed- who cares if we see them again- they wont be required to fill whatever void we had before!!

LOVE you analogy of ice-skating btw. That will stay in my mind for ages- just hold the rails and learn to skate on my own!!!

Iggyxx

You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Fri, 04-15-2011 - 10:28pm
Hi Japru, great to hear that you're still with us. :) I know your birthday was a tough time in your ending, and I'm proud of you for blocking contact and holding true to your family. Thanks for your support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Fri, 04-15-2011 - 10:50pm
Jeanine, I love that advice. It resonates with something really important that JustKim has said before: when trying to unravel the causes of the A, it helps to identify what it was that attracted us to our xAP, and then follow that thread back to the source of our feelings. So for example "he was a great listener" may mean that you're not feeling heard or "he was so much fun" may mean that you're looking for more spontaneity and laughter in your life.

In my case, I was attracted by xAP's confidence and control, which served as a counterpoint to the disorder of my life with two jobs and three small children. It felt so good to be in a beautiful calm five star hotel with this beautiful calm man who made me feel as if nothing else existed in the world. The irony was that in the end the A brought more disorder and chaos to my life, not less. So following your suggestion Jeannie, what I really need to do is to find a way to bring that sense of focus and composure to my own life rather than looking to someone else to provide it for me? Have I understood that right?

I really appreciated your advice. :)

Kat
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Fri, 04-15-2011 - 11:43pm
Iggy, I'm so pleased you found some of these responses helpful too. Sometimes I'm not sure whether I should post a question or whether I'm the only one hopeless enough to be struggling with a particular issue, so it's reassuring to know I'm not alone :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2011
Sat, 04-16-2011 - 9:10am

It's funny you say that because I

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Sat, 04-16-2011 - 10:29am
>>...what I really need to do is to find a way to bring that sense of focus and composure to my own life rather than looking to someone else to provide it for me? Have I understood that right?<<

Yes, exactly. :)

It's about finding a *healthier* way to get what we're needing. A one-hour "do something for Katniss" appointment every week (spa, manicure, massage, going to sit in a quiet library to read trashy magazines - LOL) where you can just sit and be taken care of - that's a healthy choice, right? :)

Two jobs, three small kids, a house, a marriage, LIFE in general - now you've realized that while you can and do handle all of that, you still have a need for a little "you" time. And I know that with such a busy schedule, it can feel hard to carve out that time. But, even small steps can eventually get us to where we want to be. If you can't find an hour, start with fifteen minutes. Everyone can find fifteen minutes somewhere in their day, right? Leave for work a few minutes early so that you can stop off on the way to sit and have a cup of coffee, or sit in your car and read, or stop at a park on your route and sit on a bench...whatever sounds good to you...

Can you find fifteen minutes every day, Katniss? :)

Hugs,

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Sat, 04-16-2011 - 6:27pm
Jeanine, gosh so much to think about in your post!! Was the A about risk taking for me? I really don't think so. xAP was a huge risk taker but I don't think that's what did it for me. Although obviously I was taking huge and stupid risks every day of the A.

On the other hand, your suggestion that I was looking for glamour hit me right in the chest. Glamour is not a word that I would ever have thought of using, but as soon as I heard you say it I realised that yes, that was absolutely part of it!! His million dollar lifestyle, the fancy restaurants, the chance to dress up in sexy lingerie and silk dresses, being someone's hot date instead of a frazzled working mum ... it all felt so seductive (and such a huge contrast to the parenting, voluntary work, responsible job, and academic study that filled the rest of my life). Glamour was definitely a part of it.

Gotta run, plane boarding now, but will think more about how I can fill those gaps on my own.

Hugs

Kat
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Sat, 04-16-2011 - 6:51pm
Hi Kim, lovely to hear from you. As you can probably tell from my posts, I've learnt so much from you and greatly appreciate all the insights and support you bring to the Board. :)

Finding "me time" has always been low on my priority list - as I'm sure it is for most mums. And ironically the "me time" I thought I had found in the A ended up being "all about xAP time".

Since my D-day, doing things for myself has become even harder. My H is understandably anxious about me going out on my own, so I have pulled out of the yoga and dance classes I had been taking in order to spend more time at home. Hopefully, I will be able to start doing some of those things again once some trust has been rebuilt.

Your idea of finding "healthy alternatives" to the A is an important message for all of us, and I would love to hear what has worked for others.

Sunshine and smiles

Kat
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Sun, 04-17-2011 - 12:18am

Day 1 of my 2 weeks in his city and