How do I know?
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How do I know?
| Thu, 04-14-2011 - 10:41pm |
Here's a quick question that's been bothering me today: How do I know whether I'm making real progress or whether the shelter provided by NC is just concealing the work that still remains to be done?
I'm coming up to three months NC and - on the whole - I feel centred and content.

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Hi Kat
Well you got some great responses to this. They have been fantastic to me to read as well. My NC is going strong, I really do see how much better I feel now that its over, but gosh those feel-good withdrawals are strong some days.
I particularly liked the post from RBM about the REAL reason the feelgoods had such a hold need to be addressed. I also liked the other post (forgoten her name but what a great post) about really identifying what we were missing (passion, attention etc) and finding them in our daily non-A lives.
It all comes down to the same thing doesnt it- why did we do it??? Something was lacking (4 A's plus self-disciplined boundaries for me). We need to identify those and deal with them. Until then NC will allow us to work on the issues. Once the issues are addressed- who cares if we see them again- they wont be required to fill whatever void we had before!!
LOVE you analogy of ice-skating btw. That will stay in my mind for ages- just hold the rails and learn to skate on my own!!!
Iggyxx
In my case, I was attracted by xAP's confidence and control, which served as a counterpoint to the disorder of my life with two jobs and three small children. It felt so good to be in a beautiful calm five star hotel with this beautiful calm man who made me feel as if nothing else existed in the world. The irony was that in the end the A brought more disorder and chaos to my life, not less. So following your suggestion Jeannie, what I really need to do is to find a way to bring that sense of focus and composure to my own life rather than looking to someone else to provide it for me? Have I understood that right?
I really appreciated your advice. :)
Kat
It's funny you say that because I
Yes, exactly. :)
It's about finding a *healthier* way to get what we're needing. A one-hour "do something for Katniss" appointment every week (spa, manicure, massage, going to sit in a quiet library to read trashy magazines - LOL) where you can just sit and be taken care of - that's a healthy choice, right? :)
Two jobs, three small kids, a house, a marriage, LIFE in general - now you've realized that while you can and do handle all of that, you still have a need for a little "you" time. And I know that with such a busy schedule, it can feel hard to carve out that time. But, even small steps can eventually get us to where we want to be. If you can't find an hour, start with fifteen minutes. Everyone can find fifteen minutes somewhere in their day, right? Leave for work a few minutes early so that you can stop off on the way to sit and have a cup of coffee, or sit in your car and read, or stop at a park on your route and sit on a bench...whatever sounds good to you...
Can you find fifteen minutes every day, Katniss? :)
Hugs,
Kim
On the other hand, your suggestion that I was looking for glamour hit me right in the chest. Glamour is not a word that I would ever have thought of using, but as soon as I heard you say it I realised that yes, that was absolutely part of it!! His million dollar lifestyle, the fancy restaurants, the chance to dress up in sexy lingerie and silk dresses, being someone's hot date instead of a frazzled working mum ... it all felt so seductive (and such a huge contrast to the parenting, voluntary work, responsible job, and academic study that filled the rest of my life). Glamour was definitely a part of it.
Gotta run, plane boarding now, but will think more about how I can fill those gaps on my own.
Hugs
Kat
Finding "me time" has always been low on my priority list - as I'm sure it is for most mums. And ironically the "me time" I thought I had found in the A ended up being "all about xAP time".
Since my D-day, doing things for myself has become even harder. My H is understandably anxious about me going out on my own, so I have pulled out of the yoga and dance classes I had been taking in order to spend more time at home. Hopefully, I will be able to start doing some of those things again once some trust has been rebuilt.
Your idea of finding "healthy alternatives" to the A is an important message for all of us, and I would love to hear what has worked for others.
Sunshine and smiles
Kat
Day 1 of my 2 weeks in his city and
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