How do I let go of the OM?
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How do I let go of the OM?
| Wed, 10-13-2004 - 2:17pm |
My H and I separated about 4 mos ago. He moved into an apartment and along came OM. I fell in love with OM. It was as if he was sent to me intentionally. We are so right for each other, but he is married too. OM wants to get out of his marriage, but can't seem to walk away because of the kids. OM had just moved back into his home when we met. OM regrets ever moving home and tells me that I have set his expectations for a lady so high that he doesn't think he will ever find anyone who could live up to it. OM and I send text messages to each other a lot and we spent a lot of time together in the beginning. OM is an undercover cop and fireman, so he works a lot and doesn't have a lot of time to spend with me. Things have kind of backed off now. We've had sex, but it is not the center point of our relationship. I get very disappointed when I don't hear from OM, sometimes days at a time. OM says that he has just been really busy with work and "dealing with things at home". OM has stolen my heart, but I can't continue living this lie. My H is moving back home this weekend, but that is not what I want. I allowed H to come home because of my two kids who are 3 and 5. I want to be strong enough to walk away from OM, but I just can't. I need to be able to at least try to make things work with H, but my heart is just not in it. H is a great person and treats me very well. I've just lost the attraction to H that I desire. H is not as decisive about things as I think a man should be, he is not as assertive as I think he should be, but I know he loves me. I can honestly say that I am not "in love" with H anymore. OM told me that he is sorry that he stole my heart. Why is he sorry? Does he regret ME? OM told me recently that time doesn't matter if things are meant to be. Well, to some degree, time does matter to me. I don't get much time with OM and it is making me sick. It makes me feel as though he is not interested anymore. When I confront him, he says no, that he just gets really busy and not to worry. I was suppose to see OM last night. He was working at the Firehouse and I was going to stop by, late after everyone was asleep. He said he was going to take a shower then call me back. I still haven't heard from him. Why does he leave me hanging like this? I want to hang onto OM. I do believe I am in love with him. I've tried to break it off with OM 3 times, but he is the one that doesn't want that to happen. What do I do? There is so much more I could say, but the bottom line is that I have to choose and my heart feels like it has been ripped apart. OM is everything I've ever wanted in a man. Help????

I am sorry that you are living with this burden. Being in an A takes so much energy -- I certainly don't miss that part :-)
Take a moment to read the most recent 12 or 14 threads (or more) on this board. You will hear things like:
* Being in the A distorts your perception of reality and the vision you have of your H and your marriage
* If it's meant to be, stick with NC while you get counseling and see if he leaves his W (I am not a counseling fanatic, I just know that a couple sessions is great for helping to sort everything out in the mind of an otherwise wise and strong woman who has stumbled into an A).
* Read the threads on the board AGAIN and see if you still think your relationship with OM makes sense.
We all have to come to terms with our relationships at our own pace. But it's important to step back and try to evaluate your situation objectively.
Good luck, be strong and visit often--you are always welcome :-)
Meg
How I understand what you're feeling. And how I wish I could provide you with some magic words to make sense of it all. All I can do is share my experience with you. I, too, thought I had found Mr. Wonderful. And in many ways, he was. He was very nice to me, overall. I enjoyed being with him, felt passion, etc. At times, I even imagined us together. But eventually, I had to face reality. He had a wife and kids, and he wasn't ever going to leave. He was content in his misery, and I know he's unhappy. But he also wanted to stay where he was. I didn't even care about that, really. What I did care about was how he treated me. There were plenty of times when he said he would call and didn't. There were times when I didn't hear from him for awhile and he was "busy". I don't know, I just started to realize how pointless it all was. So what if we liked each other? It could never be a real relationship. I started to see that it was in no way "reality". Unfortunately, I didn't realize this until too late. My H found out about us, and we're separated. I'm miserable about it. I regret this relationship more than I can say. I do love my H. We just went through some hard times in the last 2 years, and I gave up. It's not too late for you. Your H is moving back home. If you want to lose the life you have, keep up the A. If you don't then stop it right here, right now. Before your H knows about it. It's easy to sit there when you're infatuated with someone else and think negative thoughts about your H....you still have him! But if you lose him because of this, you may find yourself feeling incredibly regretful, as have I. I highly doubt that this man will leave his wife. They rarely do. And even if they do, the chances of your relationship working out with him, considering it is now based on deceit and lies, are slim. You're in the fantasyland phase of this thing, but, believe me, it will pass. Think long and hard about what you really want. If it's not your H, then do him a favor and let him go find someone else who does want him. Don't play himfor a chump and cheat on him. Take it from one who knows. There's nothing romantic about it in the end.
Good luck.
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