How do I move on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2005
How do I move on?
3
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 12:55pm

Please help!

I am single and have been seeing a work colleague on and off for 7 months. He is not married but has a long term partner and children.

We have had sexual contact but never actually had sexual intercourse, mostly down to his guilt etc. I have strong feelings for him which I wish I didn't have. I have told him this and even though I know he has feelings for me, when we get near to the subject, he freezes and changes the subject, mainly due to the fact that he doesn't know what the answer is.

Everything has now come to a head and I have exeplained that I want to discuss and sort the situation out either way as we have to work together. He agreed that we needed to do this and arranged to meet me and then didn't turn up, due to a work issue. He didn't feel the need to explain himself and when questioned, blamed work as if it was out of his hands. We discussed re-arranging the meeting but it never transpired and I basically told him to forget it. I haven't heard from him for a few days now.

I have tried to move on, but I feel that it is unfinished business because we have nver had 'THAT' conversation. I am not sure what to do now as I am fed up with doing all the running. However, I just don't like leaving things like this, as we have previously been quite close and I do miss having contact with him. I almost feel that he is too scared to have the conversation with me, because he does have feelings, but can't face them as it will make everything more complicated. I had previously said to him that if we didn't talk about it and sort the situation out, then we should forget it and just be professional, which was when he agreed to meet me. Its almost like he does not want to end it but at the same time is scared about being honest with me. He knows I have feelings for him as I have told him this already. I know this is wrong but I can't help the way I feel.

Either way, I can't carry on like this, because it is getting neither of us anywhere. I am thinking that the best thing for me to do now, is to ignore his calls and if he does want to speak to me about a 'work-related' matter, then he can leave me a message. I am just concerned that other collegues may pick up that something has been going on. I know that this is the right thing to do, but I do have strong feelings for him and I can't just switch them off. I have tried so many times to do this but can't seem to succeed. Also, having been close to him, surely we should be able to talk about it face to face and iron everything out?? The last thing I really want is to fall out with him, but quite honestly, I don't think I can be 'just friends' with him because that hurts even more. The more I speak to him, the more I want to see him, so maybe ceasing all unnecessary contact is the answer?

I would like to hear from other people who have been in a similar situation who can offer me opinons/tips/advice please. Buddy_t ;-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
In reply to: buddy_t
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 1:52pm

Dear Buddy,


You friend suffers from what is called "Conflict-Avoidence" issues. You flatter him and boost his ego, but having to actually have a conversation about deeper issues scares the daylights out of him. The more you push it, the more he will pull away. Knowing that you you

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2005
In reply to: buddy_t
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 2:15pm

Thanks ID. I totally agree with what you say. Putting it all into practice is the hard part though! To answer your question regarding what he is giving me, to be honest, I don't really know the answer. Like a magnet, I am just drawn to him because I enjoy his company and we have a laugh together. The reason I told him how I felt was because it was driving me mad and I needed to get it off my chest. When I told him, he did ask me what it was I was looking for and that whenever he has asked me before, I never give him a straight answer, probably because I don't even know myself. I suppose because I never planned for this to happen, I have just been going with the flow to see what happened. Your comment about him not cutting me loose is true and this is what concerns me. No matter how much I stop the contact, beacuse we work together, I know we will have to spend time together and knowing his style, he will just use humour to get my attention and it will be difficult to ignore him when other colleagues are around, without them suspecting something.

Sometimes, no matter how much you stick to something (i.e. no contact), sods law dictates that the tables will turn and he will come running back, making it even harder for me.

Will try my best though...wish me luck!

Thanks for replying :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
In reply to: buddy_t
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 4:21pm

You're drawn to him because he's a challenge. He's drawn to you because you boost his ego in ways his g/f no longer does.

Don't settle for him because you can do much better!

The sooner you realize that it's a challenge that will always bring you pain and one you will never win, the sooner you will start moving forward to a happier life.

Good Luck!