how do I move forward, first post, so hurt and the pain....omg, can't stop the tears
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how do I move forward, first post, so hurt and the pain....omg, can't stop the tears
| Tue, 02-15-2011 - 12:44pm |
Hi,
I am new here, I have been searching online for a safe place to get support, where I won't be bashed as some other sites don't offer what looks like healthy support for someone going thru this. I am trying to learn quickly (so I can understand) the lingo...abbreviations. Is there a list of them somewhere?
Here goes my pathetic story. I have been in a three month A, my first. I am married (17yrs) , as he is and was not looking for an A, he was and although I knew that from his profile on this site I never paid too much attention to that. Yes, we met online, I was lonely as husband was out of town, we had recently a rough four months in our relationship.....very rough, lack of communication.

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Mic,
Welcome to EAS and to get you started, here are 4 threads from our Healing Library I would like you read when those tears stop flowing for a bit.
thank you so much for the replies, and for the links Iddy.....the tears have not stopped but I will make my way to them soon.
The reason I ended it...I have a deep connection with this man, I know he wont leave his wife....even tho he is an a sexless marraige. they are adopting children and he cannot get caught which causes a lot of issues with him pulling away often, coming back claiming his incredible love for me, he can't not be with me, can't stand the thought of me not being in is life, etc.
looking for happy....thank you.....yes, moving forward together will be helpful....right now I am hurting so bad I feel paralyzed.
MLC,
Welcome to the endings board.
I know you are still so raw from your tentative ending, but a few red flags make me need to step in. Like you, many of us felt like our situations were unique and love and just a "bad situation that he can't get out of". The reality is - they could if they want to. He says they have a sexless marriage - you don't know that. You say his wife is very needy and he is afraid of getting caught so he just caters to her - that isn't needy - that's a husband. Husbands who love their wives do things to make sure they don't upset them. As for him calling your upset drama - to him it is. YOU being mad he can walk away from because YOU are not permanent.
Many of us felt in love, and talked about a future together, said I love you.
Here's the truth - He is married to someone else, who he CLEARLY has feelings for because he puts her needs above yours. In fact, they are going away together -
He has a choice to leave her and he doesn't, instead he is staying and working on his marriage.
Now - this may be hard to hear, but he is a cake eater. He has a wife, and he has you who is at his disposal when he needs an ego boost. You are disposable (he says so when he says if we can see each other awesome, but sometimes things happen.....and we can't. He isn't choosing you.
I do understand your heart breaking. I do understand feeling overwhelmed with loving someone who clearly is not invested the same way - I hope you will end. I hope you stay and choose instead to work through this and be stronger and more able to choose available relationships.
Much love,
Hello MLC,
So sorry you are hurting.
HI,
Help!!!
First welcome to EAS and I am so sorry that you are here! I have been trying to find the time to respond to you all day, and I am so very sorry that you are hurting this bad.
The suggestion I have for right now is to breath my friend. Just try and find the strength to focus on bringing in a few deep, long, slow breaths in and out. In our breath we find power.
I will write much more (but you said you needed help quick), but just wanted you to know that we are here. You are not Alone....and you are not pathetic! For now, its ok to cry. I was a mess for the first few weeks. But what you are doing is the best gift you can give to yourself, and your H. I can relate to every piece of your story, and more.
Just remember that by ending it you are chosing to have the power to do it, rather than being hurt any more much later when eventually he had to end it. You have gotten some wonderful advice all day, and while I type out the rest of my response to you, I want to share these words that our wise leader, CL-Iddy shared with me on my first, very painful day, when I arrived here.
"It sounds like you love her very much but I have to throw in there, you love the person you thought she was, not the one she really is. You see, affairs allow APs to put their best foot forward, wear many hats, play many parts, and dance to many tunes. What's really "real" in all of this is usually never uncovered, and the struggle we have in ending an affair is trying to figure out what actually was real. You will come to learn this:
Affairs are all about ego feeding and exchanging feel goods.
Affairs are built on a foundation of lies and fueled by deceipt.
Affairs hurt innocent people because our own selfishness explodes to the point that we don't even recognize ourselves anymore.
Affairs have all the makings of what real love would feel like, but aren't anything about real love. We are compromising our scruples and those of the AP. This is not love.
Affairs have an expirtion date on them and always end one way or another.
Affairs wreck havoc on our emotional health and physical well being. Slowly they drain all of our good parts and leave us feeling like empty shells. Why? Because we pour so much energy into hopes and promises that never take root."
MLC, find your breath, and know I am thinking of you and wishing you peace.
Sending you strong calming, caring, and healing vibes this night
Peace&light
Foggy
I will also just add quickly that the most amazing gift you can give yourself right now is to block his number from your phone. Give yourself that gift of not having to watch your phone all day, and all night. Give your heart the break from having to jump through your throat every time it beeps. I know it will be hard, trust me I know. But it will help you. I can see in your emotions that you KNOW THIS MUST STOP. And it can. Right now. Make today the only 1st day of NC you ever have to en dour. If he can't reach you, then you wont be tempted to respond.
BLOCK AND WALK right now. Find your focus, find your strength.
Also, take all this pain you are feeling right now and multiply it by 1000 and you still wont come close to the pain that is associated with a Dday. And that is what you are risking every time a txt comes and goes.
Please keep reading. And breath. You CAN do this!
((hugs))
Foggy
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