How do I not call?? I can't stop crying.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2004
How do I not call?? I can't stop crying.
1
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 6:40pm
He asked me not to call him, and if I do use a calling card so his wife won't know....he is preparing to reconcile....he is still emailing his progress each evening (about his process of trying to live without kids 24/7).....I am a wreck thinking about him going back to her. What do I do to not call?? I want to be supportive because if I'm not he'll run to her, but it hurts like hell.


Background: OM does not love his wife, he misses his girls, 2 and 5. We have planned our future together encouraged each other to divorce our spouses. He moved out 2 months ago, now misses the girls terribly, enough to go to councelling to see if his "self-esteem" issues interfered with his marriage. He was never attracted to his wife sexually, he had difficulty keeping erections since first year of marriage.

He is asking for time for counceling to "love himself" so that he can see if anything left in his marriage to salvage, and if not, so he does not repeat the same pattern with me. We are emailing, not talking on the phone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 10:12pm
Dear ahopeful:

Boy these MM sit on the fence forever even after they move out!! I know how you feel although my X never moved out--he almost did. Wow I would have hated it more if he moved out and then moved back.

I know this is so hard to do but it is OUT OF YOUR CONTROL

You want him to make this decision all by himself because if he is not really sure he will always wonder and blame you--especially if you continue to encourage him. Don't encourage him. this is a decision only he can make. If he has the strength and courage to really make the decision for himself then you will have a chance for a true happy relationship.

I would start NC now. Even though it will hurt like hell, show him that you will survive no matter what he decides. Don't call him because he asked you not to. Have some pride. Be the woman that he fell in love with--the one who respects herself.

That is one thing I can say--I never begged and pleaded with this man to leave his wife for me. When he chose to stay--I told him goodbye. I realized that I had done everything I could do. There was absolutely nothing more I could do. If he wanted me he had to come for me. Unfortunately he didn't come.

And it has hurt worse than anything in my life--it almost killed me, but I didn't die. And now 13 months later I am finally starting to get my own life back accepting that it will go on without him and that I can make it however I want.

Today I realized *again* that xMM hasn't been there for me not ONE DAY in this 13 months since he dumped me (although we have had a little contact over the year) but all the days I cried in my bed HE WAS NEVER THERE FOR ME. What kind of a *friend* is that? I think he was my *best friend* when I was making him feel good. But when tough decisions had to be made and it was hard, he was GONE. Do I as a self respecting person really want a *friend* like that?

Good luck

Survive