How do I....or Should I....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2004
How do I....or Should I....
3
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 1:11pm
Tell my fiance` that I cheated on him (started before he asked me to marry him).

My FI and I have been together for over 5 years. I never in my life imagined that I would cheat on him. However, it happened. At first I didn't feel guilty because I was confused on how I felt and how he felt about me. We had been dating for over 4 years before he asked me to marry him and I wasn't sure what he was feeling about our future. He was traveling a lot and the IC wasn't that great. Our communication wasn't much better. There was a MM at work that showed interest, who I thought was quite attractive and fun to be around. Anyway, one thing led to another and the IC was amazing. And it became addictive. It was exciting and daring at the same time. My relationship wasn't anymore. Then my FI asked me to marry him and I vowed to myself that I'd stop with the MM. But it was too hard, I couldn't resist him. I'd tell him no, and then I'd change my mind. He knew I was wishy washy and could work his magic. I knew he was a player, but that didn't matter to me, IC was good and the excitement was too great. Then my FI and I had the opportunity to move, and I wanted to take it, just to get away. Well, we moved and the IC stopped with MM, but the communication didn't and it still makes it difficult. My relationship with my FI has been improving and we both realize that the communication needs to be worked on and we're going to attend a pre-marriage counseling workshop (6 weeks). I feel the need to tell him what I've done just because I do love him and do want us to work. And I'm not sure if I want it to be on my conscious (sp?) forever. Although, I don't want to tell him who it was, where it was, and how many times it was. Basically I don't want to give details. Does anyone have any experience in telling their partner what they've done? Is it a good idea to tell him? I'm afraid that earning his trust back would take far too long. And I don't want to hurt him (at all). Please help....and thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 1:21pm
Have you ever heard the saying that "honesty without kindness isn't honesty at all?" I can appreciate your desire to come clean, however, I'd think twice about it if I were you. Think about your motivation in telling him. Is it to clear your own conscience? If so, it may not be necessary. If you know in your heart that you're sorry and can take those vows truly believing that it will never happen again, you may be able to spare him the pain such a disclosure will cause him. Or are you afraid he'll hear it from someone else and you'd rather he hear it from you? Or do you think he might get angry and call the engagement off?

My best advise to you, honey, is to think really, really long and hard about marrying this man. If you cheated on him before you even got married, and were no longer thrilled with the relationship, why in the world are you thinking about spending the rest of your life with him???? I've been married 18 years, and believe me, marriage is alot of work even on a good day.

I'm sorry to be negative here, but I just wanted to add my .02. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2004
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 2:50pm
Thank you for your reply, and I don't take it as being negative...I totally understand what you're saying. For the last 3 weeks, I've been trying to decide if my fiance and I are "right" for each other or if I want something else. But then I started realizing that many of my feelings were results of me not communicating to him. How can we fix things if I don't tell him how I feel. I started thinking that I thought the relationship would just "work" and I wouldn't have to as you say, put a lot of work into it. However, I've noticed where I was wrong, and that's why I want to work harder than ever to make it work.

I am a little afraid that my FI might find out from someone else (my best friend's DH, although I'm not quite sure he's vindictive like that), if he calls the engagement off, then I made my mistake, and I'll have to take the consequences. I am excited about this counseling workshop we'll be taking, I think it will help us and myself learn better ways to communicate and to focus on each other. One of my friends said that she doesn't think that I'm a cheater, but if I stay with him, then I will more than likely continue to cheat. But I honestly believe it was because I didn't communicate to him that I wasn't happy with certain things. I feel that I've learned a lot about myself and relationships in the past couple months and know that I will make the right decision about marrying him or not. I do believe though, that the pre-marriage counseling workshop is something that I'd like to try and see how it can help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 3:23pm
DON'T F**ING DO IT! I mean it. Just don't do it. The only reason you'd be doing it is to assuage your own guilt, and that's neither fair nor true. It won't get rid of the guilt. Maybe a little, but not all. And you'll be hurting your fiancee. Are you running off with this man? No. Then why tell him? It will do serve no purpose. One thing I would do, though, is decide whether you really want to marry fiancee or not. I don't think just because you cheated means you don't, but it could. Think long and hard about it.