how do you all deal with the pain?
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how do you all deal with the pain?
| Thu, 08-26-2010 - 11:26am |
I was wondering how you cope with the pain when things end? Especially if there was no Dday or fighting, no warning?

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Hi Soulshine,
I'm still a newbie here, but coming up on 90 days in a couple of weeks. I am here to tell you...yes, it will get easier and yes, it will hurt less. Time does help to heal you.
First of all, its ROUGH in the beginning because you are going through the withdrawal of the affair and the attention from xAP, it was feast and now its famine and it stinks, but its got to happen this way.
Stopping the triggers is fairly easy, but sometimes hard to initiate. First of all, you need to block his phone number from your cell phone. Most providers have this type of option, and then you won't be going to your phone a bazillion times a day seeing if there is a text. Keep in mind you may have to do this every few months. I have Verizon and they only block for 90 days...and on the 28th of this month I have to reblock, but I will!!
Next, I know this hard, but don't drive by places that drudge up memories, no need to torture yourself. Go out of your way to avoid places you have been to with xAP. Get rid of emails, texts on your phone, cards, letters, whatever of xAP and be done with him.
I too didn't have a Dday like so many others, but it was cut off just like that and I was desperate for any shred of communication from him, but now....no way, never want to deal with him again.
Start reading other posts, go through so many great threads in the healing library. Read what others have gone through and it will help you. You are NOT alone.
I know its hard when H is distant, been there. It's not perfect on my end, but the more I engage with H, the easier it is. You make the first move, you put the time in with your H, don't wait for him to come to you.
Hang in, don't cave. If you feel like you are, post here. Someone is always here to listen!
MovingON
MovingON
Thank you for your reply.
Hi again,
Yes, I think I remember xMM's phone number too, but what you need to do is BLOCK his number so he can't contact YOU. That way you won't be wondering if he will contact again, it won't leave you hanging. It will be done for you....and you won't have to worry about him reattaching himself to you.
I'm glad you deleted the texts on how xAP thought you were great you were and how you will always hold a place in his heart...yada, yada, yada....honey, they all say the same thing. Soulmates, can't live without you, never felt this way before, never knew it could be like this, etc, but after reading a lot of posts here, I realized I was just caught up in an affair, a fantasy life that goes nowhere and hurts so many. I was really nothing special like I thought. WE all wish we could have the A do over, but we can't. However, we can hold our heads up strong and march forward and in time, you will too. I know it hurts right now. I know your pain, we all do.
I'm sorry if H is distant and could careless. How long have you been married? Do you have kids? Investing time in yourself, your family is important and never wasted time. I too thought my H could careless because he has been devoted to his job for so many years, and I always seemed to come in last, but funny thing is when I started giving him more attention, time and courtesy, it started coming back to me in pleasant surprises, and I thought it was way past that after almost 25 years.
Keep reading, hopefully someone who was in a relationship with a single man (and I know there are posts out there pertaining to that) will also post and provide some guidance and direction.
Take care of YOU!
MovingON
MovingON
Aww Soulshine sweetie you will be ok. There are actually quite a few here who had single AP's. I'm one of them. I too have been with my H since my teen years and I don't know much about this kind of heartache either. All I know is it SUCKS!
This is exactly what my xap told me. He knew deep down that I would never leave my H because of our long history. He also knew that my grown children would never accept him. He was quite a bit younger than me. I think he thought that he could have a fun adventure with me, however, he became very emotionally attached and "had to let me go" before the destruction became unbearable, although it was too late for that.
Thankfully I never had a dday. For many months I couldn't stand the sight of my H. I am more than a year out of my A. I didn't find EAS until I was 6 months out of my A. Therefore, I didn't know how to do the whole NC thing. It wasn't until I learned to play by the rules here at EAS did I start to heal. My marriage is better and stronger than ever because I decided to change ME! The people here are amazing and supportive and at times, tough! But only because most of them have traveled this long, hard road and they know the consequences of breaking NC. I know I sure do!
Hang in there Soulshine. Keep reading, reading, reading. It really helps.
Love, AAI
Dear SS,
I'm sorry you are hurting today but the aftermath of an A is going to be painful, no doubt about it. The thing is, you can dwell on this and let it drive you crazy or you can start to become proactive so this never happens to you again. Soon you will have to start accepting your role in
~Iddy~
I know I am the one to blame for how I feel right now.
Thanks AAI!
Soul,
Garfy
NC since 13 September 2010 and trying to feel great...
Fate d
Well then, your next step is to start forgiving yourself. I know that's easier said than done, but IMO, knowing we screwed up and accepting that we screwed up are two different animals. I hope you didn't take offence to what I said as it was just a general
~Iddy~
Hey SoulShine,
I'm S and xAP was a MM. There were a few endings - one, he ended things because things got 'too close to home' (no D-Day, but close). He ended things on a 'this is what I chose 'for now' so things might change in the future/I will always love you' note - which really just left the door open for things to start up again. And they did, unfortunately.
Two weeks ago I ended things totally. It wasn't because I didn't expect things to get close/serious (okay, at the start I didn't, but things had long since been 'close' before the final ending took place). It was because I had lost so much of myself, my life and had too much invested in it. As the S person I finally realized and 'got' that he wasn't leaving his M (despite anything he may have said) and if I ever wanted to have a chance at a real/healthy 'real life' relationship I had to go. It wasn't fair for me to steal from his W, for me to get so little and if he really wanted out of his M, he should do so. Either way, I couldn't be in the picture.
It's still early in the ending for me, though the last 5-6 months of the A were very different from the first half (so, it was an ending almost on its own). I'm sorry that you're going through the pain, I know how very raw it is. There were days I couldn't eat at all, days that I all I wanted to do was sleep, a constant knot in my stomach and lump in my throat. It's a loss and you grieve, I understand. I think all of us would understand that.
You worry that he is 'living it up' because he's S...maybe he is, maybe he isn't. I know that right now I (as the S party) am not, just living is enough most days. Us S folks have a similar worry - that our M xAP has just gone back to their M, that they haven't lost anything, that we were 'just' the embellishment to their already full/wonderful lives. Cake as the saying goes. The thing is, whether your x S AP is living it up or not, or whether my xMM AP has just forgotten and gone back to 'business as usual' without a hitch/backwards glance...well, it just doesn't matter at this point. I could drive myself crazy all day if I wanted to wondering how he is doing, coping or not coping. That would be easy-peasy. It doesn't help me though, it doesn't matter for my own healing. I can't (and neither can you) keep my thoughts focused on what xAP is or is not doing or feeling. What I can tell you from my own experience as a S xAP - it's not easy, even though I was the one to end it. I will also say that you need to focus on you, be good to you. I can't speak to re-engaging with your M/H, because I don't have that aspect to deal with. I do wish you all the best though, and please do stick around and read, read read. It does get better in time, I promise you that. I'm not where I want to be yet, I've still got work to do - but this board is amazing and we'll help you get through it.
((HUGS!))
----
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry
Walk n' Block. Total NC 08-13-10
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry
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