how do you avoid going insane?
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| Thu, 05-19-2005 - 10:48pm |
I'm mostly a lurker, sometimes I de-lurk and this time I really need some advice, encouragement, anything. I got into an argument with MM over lunch and back at my office I was shaking, holding back my tears. My H called a few minutes later and was asking me what was wrong, he could tell I was shaken. Even though I spoke to MM later in the afternoon to patch things up more or less I still feel like cr*p. I was p*ssed off during the evening and threw a couple of snippy remarks at my H for being absent and unemotional. I really can't go on like this. MM and H both irritate me these days but even then I don't see myself without any of them. It doesn't make sense!
Anyways I've been thinking of leaving MM for a while now, simply because I can't continue doing this to my H even though our M isn't going great. I have to give it a chance at least. But I'm so afraid because if a simple argument with MM makes me go nuts what will happen when I end things for good? A breakup is so painful but in this case you can't even talk about this to anybody! So you're just depressed and crying and nobody knows why you're feeling this way. I have a therapist but I can't call him 24/7...
What do you do to keep sane? How can you possibly get through this without completely losing your mind?

Kath
You will not lose your mind, you may have times you wish you could but it will not happen.
There is no easy out, but really looking at the truth about the affair and were the future is going or rather never going to go may help. they rarely leave there wife, more often then not they protect there marriage while sinking the O/Ws.
If you start puting the emotional energy into your marriage and husband that you have been putting into other things including XMM and the affair you may be surprised how much your marriage can improve over time...it is hard not to respond to someone that is loving the stuffings out of you consistently.
Free
Hi Kath,
I can relate to that feeling! I used to be the same way. When things weren't going well with xMM, I almost couldn't function. Unfortunately, I don't have any answers for you, only sympathy for what you are going through.
Until you end the A, you won't get your sanity back. As much as I miss xMM's friendship, ending our A and going NC was the best thing I could ever have done for myself. You will get there, you might not be quite ready yet. I went back and forth for almost two months before I completely ended all contact. By that time, I think we were both ready for it. At least I know I was. At times I thought I would go insane from missing him, and all these months later I still have my bad days. It just takes time.
You're right, there isn't anyone to talk to about all of this, which is why you need to keep coming to this board. There is so much support and everyone here knows just what you are going through. Good luck to you!!
Owl
Thanks for your answers, free and owl. Reading other posts and what other people are going through make me feel less alone. I don't like the idea of others suffering as I am but I know that at least someone understands what I'm going through.
I managed to go through the whole day without talking to MM, just a couple of e-mails, I had so much work to do that the day just flew by. If only it was like that every day... at least I wasn't crying at my desk and trying to hide from other coworkers. Now the week is over, I don't see MM or even talk to him on weekends so it will give me some time to think things over. I'll try to keep busy. I know I should start NC ASAP, but it's easier said than done. It would also be easier if I had a loving and attentive husband to help me forget MM, but it's far from being the case.
In time I'll gather enough courage...