How do you do it again??
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How do you do it again??
| Thu, 01-06-2005 - 10:10pm |
Today was the hardest day I have had in I don't know when. It was way worse than any low day on the roller coaster with him. How do you keep it up?? How do you have the strength to do ti again, especially those of you who did the ending??
Call me weak but being with him is easier than being without!! However as of now he doesn't want me.
BUT i will say I made it.. After 8 emails, 3 vm's plus about 5 other attempts and 4 text messages YESTERDAY not one of anything today! I hope he noticed. I know it is silly but I didn't think I'd make it one day..how do I do it all over again??
and Posie..I left my cell at home.. My DD was my saving grace!
Thanks you all for your support!

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Cap,
Congratulations - you just made it through the first day, which is the hardest!! Be proud of yourself!!
I know it's hard, but you CAN do it. I think I read in another post that you had written down the hours and marked them off as they went by. I did that with days. I would write in a journal - sometimes hourly - and mark off everyday I went w/NC.
Good Luck!!
Diva
You get through the next day and the next day...because as you remain in No Contact, you ruminate within your OWN thoughts...and think things through, after the vomiting and the crying.....eventually you do actually get to THINK. You actually get the time to spend on YOURSELF and think ABOUT what YOUR part is in all of this mess (because he is no longer involved you cannot focus on someone not around...there is only YOU to focus on and that was the scary part in the beginning). You actually allow no distractions from the AP and get to read and think about what people say here without getting the AP's version...and you reallly start to think about things (sometimes assume because you have to ...you don't know what the AP is thinking....and then you realize..hmmmm...but one never really does do we...know what any person really thinks because now we don't trust anyone to be so free as to reveal themselves like "we" do).
You start to get clarity after awhile, perspective (yours and others here on the board)...inevitably unless one doesnt WANT TO...you get smarter...if you choose to be so brave..... in the VERY LEAST. Knowledge does bring strength. Strength brings Knowledge.
.................and it eventually does get easier for No Contact...because you eventually realize....how damaging everything........really........was. Even a wolf will eat its leg off to get out of the trap...and hope it heals...not just keep bleeding. Survival instinct. Very few people actually kill themselves and usually those are people who think too quickly and react without thinking. (just came to me..hope it makes sense and is the right thing to say).
You get through it the next day and the day after because most of us have a strong primal instinct to Survive. SURVIVE. That is how you "do it". Seek that out and be grateful for it. Some people who are physically sick or terminal wish everyday they could be just like you and not have to worry about dying. They struggle to live. Remember that, use it if you have to...its the only gift they can give to those who will be lucky enough to continue living.
:hugs:
Lizzie
Lizzie
I know you are trying to help but you are tough..actually too tough for me to read right now. i am sure everything you are saying is true but as I said in post #1 I am in a fragile state. i am lookign to get thru today and the weekend.
You are one of those people who are way ahead of me.
And the anaology to a dying perosn in my mind is cruel and making me out to sound selfish.
Diva
Thanks.. the crossign off the hours did help!
(((CAP)))
<<>>
This analogy may have been a little strong, but I think she was only trying to show perspective. There is a great deal of pain in ending an affair, but we do live live through it, one day at a time. Having that one day should be considered a gift even if we can't see it as something we should be feel grateful for. Putting our time to the best possible use, even if that means crying our hearts out, is still theraputic not to mention that it will release those affair toxins. You will not see this for a very long time, but affairs *ARE SELFISH* behaviors acted
Bria (capmit):
I don't know if you remember me from the other board. I rarely post these days - mostly I just lurk. I've been following your posts and wanted to give you some giant (((HUGS))). I know how shredded and weak and wounded you are feeling right now. I know you want more than anything to jump back into your R with MM. I know exactly how you feel because I've been there. I've repeatedly gone back into my A after periods of NC because I just "couldn't live without XMM." Yes, there have been some really good times. But you know what? There were really bad times too. I couldn't have one without the other. And finally, one day, I woke up. I realized that I didn't have to allow this to control my life any more. When you have reached the point where you are tired of the pain, when you are ready to have your life back, you will find the strength. And let me tell you, there is PEACE on the other side. I'm not completely over the A yet (XMM and I are still friends, we still talk) but even now there is peace. And yes, happiness. I'm happy because my life is MINE. No more frantically checking email. No more crying over a cell phone. I can turn the darn cell phone off and still be happy. Wow! Seems so simple but what a big step!!! Don't get me wrong - I still have a long way to go. And I could so easily fall back into the A again. I know this and it scares the heck out of me. But that's why I come here and lurk - these boards help me to stay steady.
My point is, when you are ready, Bria, you will do it. I think you are getting closer. In the meantime, if you really do care for XMM, the biggest gift you can give him is to respect his wishes and leave him alone. And stop beating yourself up for "putting the idea in his head." Trust me, you didn't put it there.
(((MORE HUGS))) Hang in there.
GB2
The analogy (dying folks) was sooo NOT meant to be cruel.(Sorry if i put it out there in a way to be me understood...soo didnt mean that!) It was meant for perspective. When i think about possibly "ending it all" ...i pull out that thought. My mother who was terminal...fought to live. When I think of that, I get perspective on how I can NOT be selfish and "end it". That I need to honor what a real struggle is. etc. I know folks..believe me...I know the pain...Ive had the panic/anxiety attacks (NEVER had those before in my 40 yr old life). I now take a deep breath and remember that the gift of life is not mine to take. I was sincerely trying to offer perspective to perhaps those who might be comtemplating that this is undoable...that getting through this pain to the other side of the pain..is not doable. It IS doable! And I offered up the idea that an other option is ..well...not an option.
sorry for the confusion or if perhaps...I am being too tough. I am trying to be strong...not tough ::hugs:
Lizzie
sorry...I meant to address my post to Cap ...not to Diva...
:::::::::::::::::hugs to both:::::::::::::::::: this is hard...and I am not meaning to be "tough"...I dont have big expectations from those just beginnning the journey...i so understand what you mean by "being farther ahead" (hey...some days i am ..some i am not).
For instance...i have a hard time letting go because I dont want to stop thinking about him and letting go will mean he is no longer in my life. I am a cancer and I want to remember forever everything. I dont look forward to the "relief" of not remembering him. Etc. So believe me....when I say what I say...its just to put out things to help ...for you to maybe think about later if you cannot use it right now.(Like when someone mentioned that we have to eventually move on ::shudder:: I know intellectually I do have to or I will eventually do it without realizing it. Its a killer to hear "now" but I know I need to hear it. Thats all i am saying. Cap....you have a big tender heart...and I recognize it and would be the last one to take that away from you or your right to it. I am one too...just want to still impart some intellect and perspective. I never intentionally want to crush someone. I hope you don't feel that way.
I care.
:::Hugs::
Lizzie
Lizzie
Thank you.. i know you are trying to help but I such a mess. I mean I can't stand myself for being this way. I should have better perspective but I don't. This is ridiculous. But I am a mess.. I don't love this man. But I am infatuated with him. He does have this control over me. He is in control of us.
So I caved sent him an email..
I tried to call you this morning just to say.. "have a good weekend" or "talk to you soon" but then I realized I really wanted you to say that to me. I know you said we would talk but that was before the huge efforts to contact you which I know you didn't appreciate.
No response
I know it was wrong.. i know I am not respecting his wishes!
I am a weak person with no spine!
capnmit,
i have been out for longer than you and i still cave in. it happens.
he also requested i not call him or send him any more im's. i have been better but the other day i called him and he let it go into voicemail.(i didnt leave msg) i felt like a fool, but he has that control over me. i go crazy just to see him.
they say it gets better. i sure hope so. for me it has been a very long and painful road.
i realize that i am mostly hurt about what happened. i didnt want it to end.
and hearing what we did, did not mean the same to him as it did for me i guess hurt me too. i have not been able to get over that hurt yet.
all day today and yesterday i waited to see if he would check for me but he hasnt.
if it helps any, try to be strong and dont contact him. (the same advise i should take)
remember after the call or email you are the one that feels like a fool when he does not respond. when you get the urge get up and do something else. i guess with time it will be easier. i hope
are you married? if you are how are things with your husband?
for me, the A changed a lot in my life, i became depressed and i have not yet found happiness. DH is wonderful i have a perfect life, but i am not happy. i have 2 kids and they are what get me through the day.
hope to hear from you
hang in there
upsidedown
Capnmit,
You are not spineless girl. You have the powere in yourself to get past this. 2 months ago I felt the same way, I spent hours, and lost sleep running what I would say to that jerk-off over and over in my head. I too was completely infatuated w/ the attention, the sneaking around, the mystery. The analysing of it and the buildup almost destroyed me. But after the mass-consumption of alcohol/tobacco products I picked myself up out of the sh*t I had created and felt better. I am also of the spineless variety b/cause I started and maintained NC w/out actually an e-mail/phonecall/letter to OM. The fear of what devestating remarks he may make to me or the fear that he would pull me back into him was too risky for this fragile chick. Apparantly he got the hint (at least that thought gets my by) and hasn't tried too hard to put up chase. But yes, our situations and A's are probably both different so I do not expect you to deal the same as me (please do not run to nearest beer drive thru for cold-ones and smokes ha ha)
Actually getting over an A to me is kind of like breaking an addiction of sorts. You have to stop yourself from that habit of checking your email 100 times a day. You have to stop yourself from looking at your cell phone 1000 times a day. You know that intense stare you give it wondering "does this thing still work?" You almost have to become infatuated with something else to get past it. For me at first it was total self-destruction. But the pain subsides and now I have other things to fill my time (this message board has become a guilty pleasure~which i admit to checking often) and I am working on regaining all the time lost to my A. I am now becoming infatuated with myself. Sounds funny, but my self-esteem has always been wayyyyyy low.
I am not the best at giving advice but I just really wanted you to know that you are not spineless no matter what you choose. If someone like me can pull herself out of the gutter and come out on top then i'm pretty convinced that you can too.
Good luck to you.
Keep your head up no matter what!
hugs
~nuttmeg
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