How do you do it again??
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How do you do it again??
| Thu, 01-06-2005 - 10:10pm |
Today was the hardest day I have had in I don't know when. It was way worse than any low day on the roller coaster with him. How do you keep it up?? How do you have the strength to do ti again, especially those of you who did the ending??
Call me weak but being with him is easier than being without!! However as of now he doesn't want me.
BUT i will say I made it.. After 8 emails, 3 vm's plus about 5 other attempts and 4 text messages YESTERDAY not one of anything today! I hope he noticed. I know it is silly but I didn't think I'd make it one day..how do I do it all over again??
and Posie..I left my cell at home.. My DD was my saving grace!
Thanks you all for your support!

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~Meg
Hiya Bri,
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Try picturing him in the wilds of Bora Bora, living in a grass hut with no electricity, no phones, no computers and no indoor toilet! Imagine that he's got no option but to be in that grass hut in Bora Bora and that whatever occupies him there will take him his entire lifetime.
What do you imagine would happen if he *did* avoid you forever?
If he did avoid you forever, what's the worst case/best case scenario that you can picture?
If right this moment, in rigidly enforced NC, were the best it would ever be again, would you wish to continue the affair?
Since you are the only one over whom you have any control, what work do YOU need to do in order to achieve the best case scenario?
What's preventing you from doing that work?
Bria, I'm going to quote something a woman wiser than she ever knew said once. She said, "All the good is gone." Ring any bells?
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
Yes..and I am not even saying all good isn't gone but this isn;t the way I can handle the end! If it really is the end this is awful!!!! I need civilized break ups. I went 3 week of NC last tiem b/c we were on good terms!
I need him to say we will talk again.. then I can breathe and live. yes it will suck but then I know at some point I know we will say civil goodbyes or whatever if that is really where this is. But he is eatign at me.
I wish he was in Bora Bora!!
I need him to say that so I can stop stressign at least a little bit.. trust me I know that is what i need to ease this just a little.
I also know I can't control him..but i have this insane problem of trying!
I was reminded today at work (because of an employee who is not learning a valuable lesson regarding DUI and drunk driving)...something to ponder...
"When the consequences are finally enough...we will then stop the thinking or action and want change".
For those in this position of Contact or No Contact (whether at someone's request or for our own sake): perhaps the question of the day should be : "What (bad) consequence will I have to suffer that would make me stop immediately and start weaning off out of fear alone". I asked myself that. My pride was the prize for me. I cared enough of what he thought of me that I didn't want him to think I was crazy...so I didn't go nuts on the vm/cell etc. I stopped that after one message that I left (still no cussing etc.)but my boundary was that I never called him first. I did once. Glad I did but that was my limit.
Find a boundary....please...because now the boundary is not for him but for your own self! Find out what your consequence would have to be and look at it. Use it for a motivation NOT TO DO WHAT YOU ARE SO ADDICTED TO DOING OR HAVING...Is it healthy? If not...PLEASE STOP AND ANALYZE IT. Sometimes the only thing that separates us from those who do bad things or dont do them ...is the fact that we CAN stop ourselves. Don't make this behavior become acceptable to you. Do this while you still have a chance at "do -overs". Leave no room for regrets please. Its an awful place to be in.
::hugs:::
Hiya Bri,
Let's stick with the Bora Bora theme for the moment, ok?
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But he's suddenly & without warning been whisked off on an all-important mission to find the cure for cancer out there in Bora Bora! Mankind is depending on him! There is no option but to handle the end how it's played out.
<<< I need civilized break ups.>>>
Quite apart from the words "civilised" and "break-ups" are generally contradictory, how do you propose to deal with it now that it's happened? It's tragic that the last words you spoke were not loving ones, but he's there in Bora Bora and an uncivilised break-up is all you've got.
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Bri, do you honestly believe that he does not KNOW beyond question that you care for him? Regardless of what was said or even how it was said in your last conversation, comfort yourself with this knowledge. And respect *his* wish to be in Bora Bora finding the cure for cancer for the good of mankind. After all, this is what *he* wants and what *he* needs and sometimes we have to put the needs & wants of those we care for above our own needs & wants.
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How can he talk to you from a grass hut in Bora Bora where there's no electricity and no phone lines and no computers? Anyway, breathing and living are both controlled by our autonomic nervous system - emotional pain has yet to result in cessation of automatic functions such as breathing and living... Sure it hurts, but it's NOT going to kill ya, poppet. ;)
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Bri, figuratively speaking, he's chosen to go to Bora Bora. Even *if* it's only temporary, he's telling you as clearly as he possibly can that he needs a break from *your* needs because it's simply becoming too much of a burden for him. He's tried to tell you as gently & as kindly as possible but you refuse to hear him. Your own needs have deafened you to the extent that they won't let you hear him telling you about his needs.
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And he needs to be in Bora Bora, at least for awhile. Why are his needs less important than yours?
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I'm hopeful you're still in T and that you've now managed to give the vital piece of information about your EMA to your T. Without it, your T has an unclear picture of the Bria puzzle and no idea what pieces are missing or might simply be plopped into the wrong places. XMM is clearly collapsing under the weight of your needs. If he hasn't chosen Bora Bora permanently, it won't be long before he does. With all of the Bria-puzzle pieces all together in one spot, together you & your T can work towards better coping mechanisms.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
Posie
Liking the Bora Bora idea!! You probably read, I reached him in Bora Bora. It was short and not really sweet. But he did say we would talk again. I didn't ask when, where or how. At this point, i don't want to talk b/c it can't be good. I got off quickly. I don't want to hear that he needs to be doing his research without me. I just said take care (and stay away from natives..LOL). And you're right, his needs are not more important than mine. But now I can try , at least try to respect his.
I haven't forgotten that this hasn't been a healthy situation for sometime (ok mayeb they NEVER are) but I also know these last 3 days have been the most unhealthy ones i have had in a while. I truly am wishing my days away..thus crossing the hours away. My only cherished time right now is time with my DD.
I am still not convinced that living in a somewhat bad sitaution kinda with him is better than living like this without. Of course he may have decided that Bora Bora is better and then my choice will out of my hands. But I am not so trusting that it gets better. so many people seem to struggling and struggling and struggling! I know if this really is over and I can convince myself of that (or he beats in my head) it will get better but getting there seems so hard.
Probabaly the best thing woudl be if MM stays in Bora Bora but if he visits Bria Land, Bria may very well get him to stay!
My T does know about MM. We have spent the majority of my sessions, however working on strategies to use with my M.
As always Posie, you have given me a lot to think about and read and read!!
Much thanks,
Bria
Meg-
I am M and have a DD My H and I went thru a rough patch prior to gettign pregnant and durign my preganancy for like over a year. Thinsg are better but my H is a tough cookie. During that time MM(who I had known and dated before) was there and we started this thing. WE have never had IC for for me it was always the emotional attention. Not sure about him. But even though things with my H have improved, over the last 8 months things with MM got really intense and the roller coaster ride has had its highs and lows as everyone.
I am not sure how I feel. Right now I am scared to lose him so I guess I am not tryign to get over it..just respect his wishes right now until. Can't think too far ahead!
Capnmit-
I feel your pain and torment. I have been told too many times....to end the A before he does. B/C if and when he does, you will feel absolutely powerless. I am so very sorry. You have come to a great place for support, but the power rest with you and you have the ability to steer this in the direction in which you feel comfortable. It's going to hurt. I am still in my A, but I realize the end is near and trying to get to the point when I can walk away and not look back. Right now, I walk two steps forward...stumple...trip and fall...and go back to square one.
Hugs to you,
SS
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