How do you end a 7 year A........

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2004
How do you end a 7 year A........
11
Thu, 04-22-2010 - 8:16pm

And stay friends?

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Thu, 04-22-2010 - 8:46pm

Hi FWD,
I'm sure you are hurting and I'm sorry you are having to go through this difficulty. I know exactly what you're feeling and I would like to chime in early.

You're going to get a very strong opinion from your first responder (me). How do you end a 7-year A and stay friends? YOU DON'T. I don't know how much reading you've done on this board, but I don't think I'm the only regular poster here who will tell you that you cannot remain friends after you end your A. I tell you this because I've tried it twice. I ended my A twice with the intent of remaining friends, with the fear of losing his friendship. I ended up right back in the A, twice. I became so miserable; the A was literally destroying my life. I finally realized that I desperately either needed to end it, all of it, or give up my life.

FWD, my opinion is that you're going to have to let him go. I still work with my XAP and there are rules here on this board for limited contact at work, and that's what you will have to do to break free of this toxic addiction.

I completely understand what you are feeling. I don't mean to sound harsh; I just speak from experience. Keep reading. You may get some differing opinions on this situation. Meanwhile, know that I am here to offer you any help I can to get you on the road to healing, if you are truly wanting to end your A.

((hugs))

CSN

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Thu, 04-22-2010 - 8:57pm

Welcome,

And to answer your question. YOU DONT STAY FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE YOU HAVE HAD AN A WITH. I am not shouting I am being stern. I am thinking you are a new poster, so welcome. End a A means NC. NC means No Contact. In your case, it would be LC, meaning limited contact since you work together.
7 years and that is all you get? You said that all yourself. Others will jump in here and tell you the same, There is a thread on rules for LC on here. I suggest you read it and the healing library. There are literally hundreds of posts on A;s and whether or not there can be a friendship after the fact.

7 years is a very long time, and if you know anything about A's than you know that they are addictions like any other. We crave the highs and can not deal with the lows...

Does not sound like either of your spouses know about your A's. You are very, very very, lucky. Is your so wish to have a "friendship" worth the possibility of finding out. Being friends with people who we have affairs with is simply undoable. From the sounds of everything in your post, you have lost a lot these seven years....including your dignity, Does not seem that he cares to lose you or end things at all. And if you are his friend, do you think that will end your constant wondering of what he is thinking? Nope. U will still be caught up in him,...and the physical will likely begin again.

Now, you are probably thinking, we work together, we have to be friends...NOPE. Our community leader works very closely with her ex affair partner (ExAP). She has done so for years. And guess what? They are not friends.

Many a you have come here and tried that friendship thing. I have not seen or heard of one time where that works and where the women is usually reallly continued to be hurt. If you want to end this A, go NC/LC, come here and post away, Sit in the healing library and read, read, read away.
There is more knowledge and wisdom on these boards than you can imagine. And although you may think your A is special and unique. Its not, it was a big fantasy that has robbed you of the last 7 years of your life. Do you want to lose anymore of yourself? Do you want to stop cake eating and get your life back in order?

If so, you are in the right place. This is for enders and as enders we have cut all ties as much as possible with ExAp's. We do not have friendships with these people. What kind of friendship can you have that is built on lies and fantasy. What would you H think of your friendship with EXap?
You have some thinking to do. I wish you the best and am here should you need me. As is the board.

Luvin

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Thu, 04-22-2010 - 9:36pm

Welcome to the board, FWD. I hope you have already dipped into the wealth of information in the Healing Library and are reading the current posts for starters. You will learn that it doesn't matter if an A lasts for 7 years or 7 months, they will still come to an end once they have run their course, or there is a D-day. Have you ever been worried about being discovered?

We talk a lot about missing the friendship and wishing the A had never happened, so let me ask you this... Can you honestly say you'd have no problem with him talking about his family, their vacations, his children , who he hangs out with, what other women he finds attractive, etc., because this is what friends do; WITHOUT ANY EMOTIONAL OR ROMANTIC FEELINGS GETTING IN THE WAY. Could you really handle that? Oh, and no more discussions about his W, his M, your past together...nada, nilch, because this is just an extension of what you have now; So, any conversation that could not be conducted in front of his W and family is still considered an A. So you see, a friendship with an Ex-lover sounds quite limited, wouldn't you think?

Also, once two people have had an A with all of the deceit, lying, manipulation, etc that has transpired for being secretively together, you'd have no problem with remorse or guilt getting in the way? You see, I find that rather hard to comprehend. I still work with my Xmm and we were friends for 10 years before we took the Nestea Plunge. Our A has been over for 6 years now, and for these last 6 years a friendship has been out of the question. Why? Because every time I look at him I remember our atrocious behavior, the lies we told our family, friends, and coworkers, and can still imagine the excruciating pain that would be in Xmm's wife's eyes if she knew what we had done behind her back for almost 5 years. Friends? I don't think so. Past partners in crime? Yeah, that would be more like it. As they say, with friends like this, who needs enemies?

You need to think long and hard about what your expectations would really be if you were to go from lovers to just friends. If you think you can just be buddies after all that has transpired between the two of you, then you are still seriously deceiving yourself.

<>

I plead my case. Those feelings will always be there, and not being able to act upon them will eventually turn into contempt and resentment. Understand that any contact is still being in an A, and hanging onto the hope of having a friendship will only prolong the inevitable END that is looming in the shadows.

No one on this board has remained friends with their XAP. Also, if you want to continue posting here, your A will have to end in all aspects, so take some time to think this through. I will also bump up a thread called, "What being friends really means." I think it's either in the OW/OM section, or the MW/MM section. Give it a read when you get the chance. It was written with a twist of humor but the concepts are spot on.

Take care,

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2009
Thu, 04-22-2010 - 11:31pm

Just want to chime in on this one and call a spade a spade. If you want to end the PA and still be friends then you're not truly ending the A. You'll still be in an EA, which some say is worse than a PA. BTDT. Listen to these wise women who have responded, they know all to well this reality. In the end, you'll be causing yourself more anguish and pain than what it's worth. JMHO.


Take care and good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Fri, 04-23-2010 - 2:40am

You don’t because trying to be friends after ending an A is FLIRTING WITH DISASTER!


The only way I could see one doing it is if they were a masochist and enjoyed pain because that is what you get out of the deal is oodles and oodles of emotional pain and an open door back into the A. Doesn’t really sound like that’s ending the A now does it?


Ok…come a little closer…this is a bit of a secret. See many women can let go of the physical affair but it’s the emotional one that is really, really a bugger to let go of.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Fri, 04-23-2010 - 3:53pm

Hi FWD-


I don't have anymore to add than the others... they are all right. You can't remain friends. And I am sorry. I know that is a hard concept to grasp. I still struggle with it at 86 days NC. But, it is reality, and you need to let go now and begin the process of healing. You will be ok without him. Keep reading here. Dive into the healing library. STart to understand yourself and your actions... it will all start to become clear as the A fog lifts and you will realize that he is NOT your friend even thought it feels like it... he isn't. A friend would not have disrespected you like this for so long. I know it hurts... I know, but I promise that it will get better. You have to cut him out completely or you will never get out of the cycle.


Hugs,


Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2010
Sun, 04-25-2010 - 2:17am

HI I am brand new here so I am surprising even myself by posting a reply already without even lurking for awhile to get used to the feel of things at tbis board.

But due to personal experience, I do have a mouthful to say on this question you have.

I was in an A over ten years off and on, and off an on, precisely because we kept trying to be "friends". IMHO, it doesn't work! I gave it everything I had and and it failed each time. It was pure emotional torture. My MM was never, and is still never going to, be any real "friend" to me.

Yet he is my neighbor on weekends, so I, too, must deal with proximity. This weekend I am celebrating 365 days NC....I didn't even know what "NC " meant until recently (!); I only know I have not had one iota of contact from him or with him for one year, and I am sooooooo happy about this feat despite all the pain I have endured this year.

A few times there has been very limited visual contact (as we can glimpse each other from afar) but even then I have managed to turn away and walk away as fast as possible. This spring I built a fence and put in many tall shrubs...and I take the "long" way around my block avoiding his location when he is around, and if I need to run an errand

I do this as I DO NOT want to see him anymore at all. I am done. Finished. My A brought me to my knees emotionally, and I would never ever get involved with an MM again.

Every single time we tried to navigate a "friendship" was torture and ended up sooner or later in bed. There was no such thing as "friendship" in our situation as I could not honestly bear to hear about his real life with his W and kids, and he had little time or interest in mine because he was already involved in a life with his his "W" at home. (I am single). It was lose-lose situation all around. And I became very depressed as an OW.

To me, friendship with an MM post affair is an oxymoron!

I say, let him make friends with his W!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sun, 04-25-2010 - 7:49am

Dear Goddess,


Welcome to EAS, and I really appreciate you chiming in on this thread. We may have scared off the original poster, but hearing the truth is not always easy. I can only hope she reads our responses and takes heed of our warnings, but usually people want to do it their own way, which is usually the hard way.


You are so right about the difficulties involved in trying to maintain some sort of friendship with an XAP. Emotions are too raw for settling to pat one another on the back and say, "Hey."

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2010
Mon, 04-26-2010 - 1:33am

Dear Iddy,

Thanks for the warm welcome and much needed support! Today's one year anniversary was a rough one for me. I have so much anger and bitterness over my ex AP even tho my role was to be so available to a man who already had a wife! I offered myself up, I mean, to play that part. I want to blame him for how I feel today and blame him for my depression in general and self hatred. And I know he didn't "make" me feel this way; these are MY feelings.

Yes perhaps that poster was scared away. I didn't listen to a soul in my early "affair years" either. What a shame so many of us have to get so undone the hard way. I lost so much self esteem and self respect in the process. Not that I had much to begin with! It has taken so much hard work to climb out of this mess.

I am changing however a little at a time, however, and I guess that is the hope in all of this?

As I am single I can take things easy in terms of any new men thank God/dess! as I am so burnt out.

aaarghhh

:)

goddess

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Mon, 04-26-2010 - 6:46am

Dear Goddess,

Thank you for responding back. That first year anny can be a very bitter-sweet experience. We are finally out of the fog but the wounds haven't scarred over yet. I remember mine just like it was yesterday. Because I work with XMM, I was so relieved it fell on a Saturday so I could "non-celebrate" in silence. I do believe I came to the board that day and put on a front that all was well in Iddy-land, but inside I still couldn't believe a whole year had already passed. I also had come to terms with the fact that it was REALLY over this time as I had surpassed the 9 month mark of my last ending with him. Yeah, we tried 3 times to end it and that one finally took. I was determined this time that it would be the last time.

I am also single and I fully understand the emotions of anger and bitterness that you are feeling. It takes a long time to finally be able to put these feelings to rest. Depression also followed me around for quite a while too, so I got some help with that. I just didn't want to see anyone or go anywhere for the longest time. These dang relationships really do suck the life out of us. :(

<>

Yes, never let go of the hope that things will get better, because they will. By the beginning of my 3rd year of A sobriety, I was in a much better place emotionally. I was over Xmm as far as any romantic feelings went, but having to see him every day made the healing process take much longer than it needed to.

I hope you will continue reading here and join in on other threads too. It helps the newbies and tweeners to understand the healing process better when we have gals posting who are further out of the fog.

((Hugs))

   ~Iddy~ 


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