HOW do you end "nothing"?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2003
HOW do you end "nothing"?
18
Thu, 12-25-2003 - 7:10am
I am a 39 year old father of 4, happily married 10 years, and working at the same company for 11. I recently became close friends with a colleague who is also married (no kids) and possibly 5 years older than me (I haven't asked). This woman is a stunning brunette who turns heads and is intelligent to boot. After helping her thru a few accounting problems she offered to buy me lunch as a thank you.

That was 6 months ago, and since then we have gotten so close to each other that the emotional (I hesitate to use the term "sexual") tension between us has become so intense that I fear it is affecting my mental health. I am still a devoted father and husband; nothing has changed in the "off hours" of my life; and she talks about her husband occasionally, and sometimes throws in the "annoying" things he does. But what used to be a "cute friendship" at work has slowly evolved into, what seems to me, an office affair just waiting to erupt. I think about this woman every second of the day. We work five aisles away from each other, yet we still find it compelling to send each other "How is your day going?" e-mails. She asks me to go outside for a cigarette with her and chat, yet I don't smoke. I feel guilty when my buddies drag me out to lunch, thinking she was "hoping" I was going to be available. We have never talked about our feelings (short of saying, "It feels so easy talking to you") and have never held hands, kissed, etc.

Honestly, I am not sure she feels (exactly) the same way, but can only guess from certain clues and hints. I wish I could clone myself, leaving the faithful spouse at home while my alter self damns the rules. In the end though I would prefer we go back to "just being friends" but 1) I don't want to hurt her feelings 2) I don't want to look like a fool if it's just me feeling this way and 3) IS THAT POSSIBLE between a man and a woman who have developed such a relationship already? Can I do this WITHOUT bringing up my feelings to her? Again, we work five aisles away from each other - talking about things may make working conditions uncomfortable. Does "backing away" really solve anything? When I appear to be "busy" so as not to see or talk to her as often, she takes it as that - I'm just "busy", but will come around eventually.

This is killing me. I don't want it to end, yet I don't want to be unfaithful. Is it just a friendship? SHOULD we "talk" about our relationship in order for me to "back away"? How does one bring that up FOR FEAR of hearing the words "But I've always ONLY thought of you as a close friend?" As much relief as this would bring, it would be crushing as well. HELP!!!!

Faithful but Tempted

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 11:20am
just stop. end it. you can't be friends with this woman in an honest way when your feelings are more intense than appropriate friendship between a married man and a woman who's not his wife. I'm telling you this as the woman who had a long-term friendship of 4 years with an MM that developed into a very intense affair that lasted 3 years. I never want to see this man again. I have no respect for him or myself because we had this affair. It completely ruined my admiration for him that long predated the affair. You can't involve yourself or someone else in something based in deceit and expect anything good to come from it.

I know there are exceptions -- that's what kept me hooked for most of the 3 years. The last year all I could do was work on getting out. This is my experience & if you read the posts here, you'll read the same & worse and extremely rarely anything better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 11:32am
P.S. I don't think you should tell her that you're ending the friendship due to your feelings -- that's just a back door way of expressing your feelings, which could just be the next step to an affair.

I think the post that said stop responding to the cute emails, stop flirting, stop the special attention & she'll get it is right on. This is a grown woman -- she knows exactly what's going on here between the 2 of you. She'll also know exactly what's going on when things change. Yes, it'll hurt a little. It stings but not the devastating pain and confusion and guilt and shame of an affair.

If you really care about yourself, your wife & family, and this woman, you'll just pull away. If she's as special as you think, she'll not only get it but she'll respect your choice.

I had a male friend who was separated from his W this summer & moved to my neighborhood. He said "we're divorcing" when he moved over here. He sort of had a crush on me. From my experience with the affair (that had only recently ended at that time), I knew to be very careful of getting involved with this very vulnerable man but I did take him to a few parties only as a friend (absolutely NO physical contact) and have a few coffee house conversations and he wrote me some very long, intense emails. I was mostly a listener & kept an appropriate distance nonetheless and he eventually backed off. As the summer wore on, he started saying he was "separated" then "trial separation" then when Fall hit, he moved back in with his wife.

I'm very grateful I had the smarts to stay back a little. I respect his choice. If I'd "gone there," I'd be a very hurting lady right now. Be a smart guy & protect yourself & this woman. Don't worry about slightly hurting her now because you're saving everyone from a world of hurt later.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 9:26pm
Faithful, you asked about the 'how' to get out of this without hurting anyone's feelings... oh, difficult question that one, but I will try to answer it.

1. Keep contact minimal. I've been in the same situation, getting emotionally involved with a co-worker (I'm married, he's single, we've ended our affair, and we're still friends), and I cannot emphasize to you how important it is to cut down the intimate conversation even if it kills you. It WILL kill you at first, but you'll survive.

2. If you have conversations with her, talk about all the nice things about your wife and kids, or what you did over the weekend with your family and how much you enjoyed yourself.

3. Tell yourself that your good friendship can only be maintained if you stay within the platonic boundary. Visualise yourself 10 years from now - do you want to be able to have a decent conversation with her and enjoy the easy friendship, or do you want to have to be mourning over a loss of a friendship because you went too far?

4. Please please please busy yourself with work and outside activities that do not involve her. By being busy, you will have less time to hang out with her and there will be less opportunities for temptation. You've already told her in your Christmas card that her friendship means something to you... now you don't have to worry that being too busy for her will hurt her feelings. Just do it.

Good luck and thank you for posting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 9:50pm
I forgot one more thing... you asked "SHOULD we "talk" about our relationship in order for me to "back away"? How does one bring that up FOR FEAR of hearing the words "But I've always ONLY thought of you as a close friend?" As much relief as this would bring, it would be crushing as well."

Spot on... just imagine the opposite - if you talk about your relationship, and she reveals that she has feelings for you too, you will be over the moon. This fatal feeling of exhilaration will give you that extra push to take this relationship further to destruction.

So, two scenarios -

Scenario One: you tell her, and she says there was nothing there in the first place - you will be crushed. I can already hear your friendship drowning in a very murky pond in the most undignified gurgling way possible.

Scenario Two: you tell her, and she confirms that the feeling is mutual. Your friendship will ALSO drown in an even filthier pond, and so will your life, your conscience, her life, your wife's life, and your children's lives. Like me, you will probably tell yourself that feeling this kind of love is worth the painful consequences. Fine, YOU may be willing to live through the pain, but it's not fair to incur that pain on her or your wife. When I told myself I'd accept the consequences, I forgot that I was being grossly unfair to my husband AND to the other man. Even if I was prepared to go through the pain, they weren't.

So, the answer should be clear. DON'T talk to her about your feelings for her. Whatever her response, it's going to end up in pain.

Be strong! If not for your sake or your family's, then at least for her sake. Yes you will probably argue with yourself like I did, saying you 'just want to know', but sometimes it's better to go through the rest of your life wondering and never knowing for sure, than to destroy other people's lives by knowing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2003
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 10:28pm
Dear FAithful but Tempted,

I hate to admit this, but I TOTALLY understand what you're going through.

Been there, done that, then some, and still going through it.

I'm the female end of it though, and I've been through a whirlpool of emotions during the past 2 years with it and other aspects of my life.

It began from me not even noticing him at work as anything other than the new guy, to having casual lunch together, to becoming good friends, to becoming each other's emotional backbones, to becoming best friends, to becoming inseperable, to being in love with each other, to crying with another, to "ending" the emotional affair, to it appearing again in sprinkles of flirting that becomes OH SO TEMPTING.

(Byline: I really have to re-post about this because I need support again! lol =[ )

I'm pretty sure that she is feeling the same way as you are because in my situation as well, neither of us had to say anything, we never mentioned it, it felt embarassing, but he knew how he felt and i knew how i felt, so that connected and we ended up being in the biggest emotional eruption of our lives. I couldn't concentrate on anything, on living, on being happy. Every second of my life was him. I cannot say I don't love him today, because he's my best friend and I can't see it being otherwise, but I often wish God had not crossed our paths so closely, especially when push comes to shove and my husband does things that I dislike, and I question whether OM (other man aka affair guy) would do those things if we were in a relationship together. OM is SO tempting, it's like, I honestly see our relationship as being perfect if it were allowed to blossom --- but it wouldn't be.

Affairs not only break current relationships apart, they break the people involved apart.

The guilt I'll carry around with me for LETTING myself get involved in a strictly EMOTIONAL affair...imagine if it was sexual as well, is something I won't be able to let go of for a very long tim...if ever.

So I urge you NOT to do anything. Trust me PLEASE when I tell you, that although it seems EXTREMELY hard to let it go now, it will be a much greater challenge if you let it progress anymore.

Oh, and you don't have to bring the feelings up at all in order to end them.

Just don't do the usual flirting, avoid feeling emotionally attached, think of the guilt you'll always feel, think of her unknowing husband, don't make yourself so available especially emotionally.

p.s. - look on ivillage for affair statistics; they're VERY interesting and useful..

I'll try to search them for you in a few days if I don't forget and I'll post them for you.

Very Best of Luck to you,

and be strong!

p.p.s.- keep us posted, even if it is every few days. men are programmed to not share their feelings, lol, so i know it can be hard but even if they are little things, we'd be glad to help

=)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 8:13pm
Dear Faithful,

You could be my husband by what you have written.

I discovered my husband was having an "emotional affair" with a woman several months ago. He is involved in a working relationship with the other woman and they communicate frequently via e-mail and the phone due to their work. I discovered a work e-mail on our home computer and I can't tell you the shock and hurt I felt - and still do. After I confronted him, he immediately broke it off with the other woman.

Please do everything to remove this woman from your life as soon as possible. The hurt and devastation that you will bring to your wife, and ultimately yourself, is not worth it.

My husband and I have lost so much. My husband can never again hold me in his arms and tell me that our marriage has been perfect. He can never again tell me that I was his only love. He will never feel that he is a perfect husband.

I am devastated. I never, in my life, thought my husband would carry on a relationship with another woman. I always thought I was the most important person in my husband's life. He made me feel special, loved and cared about. I question everything he says. I now question everything that anyone says to me. This has impacted my life in every possible way.

Please don't do this to your wife - and yourself. It isn't fair.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 8:20pm
You said you found out your husband had an affair. What did you do? How did you heal? I found out that my husband was deeply involved emotionally with another woman several months ago. He has since broken it off but they still have contact throught their jobs. I am so hurt that functioning everyday is a struggle.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 4:35pm
Dear Hiswifeloveshim,

You probably should go to the Betrayed Spouses Support board. I fear that you will not

get a very good reception on this board. Most of us on this board have been the other woman.

Lostit

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