How do you forget?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
How do you forget?
4
Sat, 10-30-2004 - 1:38pm
I have been having an A with a MM for about 9 months now. My marriage is totally on the rocks and only a matter of time thats its over. I am generally not a sappy person until now. I am totally in love with this MM and he says with me also. BUT..he has now said he cant leave his kids (which I understand), and he has to make it work with his wife. I am totally devestated and dont know how to just get over this. He still has his family around him and things will probably go "wonderful" for him, while I am left in the "cold". I have an urge to absolutely hate him for this, but cant. I kind of see his point where he is coming from, but on the other hand, feel like someone used and abused since he has now found his "morals". I dont think this is an isolated incident and probably happens with most MM. I am beside myself and dont know how to get over this. I work with him and see him everyday. He says he still wants to talk with me, but the physcial part has got to be over. He swings back and forth everyday between wanting me and then wanting me to go away. Never done this before, so was unprepared for all these emotions to happen. How do you walk away from this?? I am more upset over this than with the breakup of my own marriage after 14 years?? I cant be the only person feeling like this???? How do you get over someone you know you cant have and get him out of your head?? I never thought this could get to this point. It started out as just some fun.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Sat, 10-30-2004 - 1:47pm
Dear Greeneyed7,

Humm, First... consider yourself hugged!! Things will get better. Is it possible to transfer to a different location at work?

You need to get away from him. Your marriage is over, his is not. You need to do everything you can to stay away... keep busy, join a club, gym, dance class whatever you enjoy. Take the some to work on you for a while. In time you will find someone new. Keeping busy will help with the pain. keep posting until then!!

take care,

murf

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 10-30-2004 - 2:39pm
hi there GreenEyed--

Getting over an A is the hardest thing I have ever done. The hurt feelings, the loneliness, etc. are difficult, but it gets better every day. A few weeks ago someone posted a reply to this type of question that put things into perspective for me (sorry I can't give credit--don't remember who it was). In her response to one of us, she asked questions like this: Have you ever lost a child? Have you become a widow? Does your child have a deadly disease? What we are facing is tough, but not as tough as what other people are facing. We put ourselves in this situation, and we didn't do it overnight. It is up to us to face it and get over it. Not easy (I am living it too, so I know) but it is totally achievable.

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I am going to start a whole new thread for this later on...so watch for that.

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Murf is right--you need to fill up that empty spot inside yourself where XMM used to be. You need to fill it up with worthwhile, fun things. We can't walk around with a hole in ourselves, for heaven's sake! You also need to give yourself time to grieve. This guy was a large part of your life, even if the relationship was wrong. When you lose someone who was important to you, you need to take the time to grieve (in a healthy way of course).

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Don't we all swing back and forth on this? We KNOW our A is wrong, but we still find ourselves sucked back in at times, or almost sucked back in. I'll bet that all of us on this board tried to end it several times before it finally stuck--I tried to end it three times throughout the 4 years, and my XMM tried once. He is no different--he knows the A is wrong, but still has emotions. It's hard for everyone to do the right thing and end it.

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Well, a funny thing happens. Our emotions get involved! It sucks, doesn't it??? You may be having a harder time because your M wasn't fulfilling any longer -- many times in an A we live in a fantasy world--the AP becomes everything that our H is not. But since we don't live with him or experience all those day-to-day trials and challenges, this guy seems perfect. But he's not--we have just built him up to be. Take off the rose-colored glasses--you need to get him out of your head one day at a time. And no contact does help.

Green, there is someone out there for you who will love you and only you. You can face this without the XMM--think back to how you were at the strongest point in your life and find that girl again! At first it seems like you can't get through this, but you can--people do all sorts of amazing things every day. And you can be one of them.

Good luck and keep posting :-)

Meg

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sat, 10-30-2004 - 2:59pm


Hi Greeneyed7:

I have been there...to some degree I understand how you feel. In a situation like this, YOU have to think about yourself...LET HIM GO. Do whatever necessary...even if it means exploring options to transfer to another office, seek a new position...the reality is it would/will be a lot more difficult to have him constantly in your face, will delay your effort to heal, to move on. Having a relationship with a man who has made a commitment to somone else only places you in a "less winning" position...cards stacked up against you. Always remember that the failure or demise of a relationship has nothing to do with you as an individual...the overall circumstances. Deep down you know the OM is doing the right thing, as to what is expected of him...most likely you would have done the same thing.

Reason why he is pulling the "come here, go away" syndrome is he genuinely feels for you...obviously is torn between moral obligations and you. Howvever if he absolutely cares for you (as time progresses) he will stop that "syndrome"...finally let you go for the sake of your welfare. You may have to help him.

As for "hating" him...possibly because he "somehow" convinced you he's leaving his wife regardless, COMPLETELY OVER, will always be there for his kids...You thought he was "safe"...otherwise, if he gave that hint he was going to work on his marriage, most likely you would not have plunged as readily into a relationship with him. Do you feel as though he was peddling a deal...then all of a sudden, changed it...like seller's remorse?

Of course you are more upset about this than the ending of your marriage...that is why affairs can be traumatic. There appears to be "no" closure...the relationship has not gone through the cycle of "working it through"...both sides can/will never know if the relationship is/was meant to be...that is why the "participants" keep coming back and forth. Whereas in an "accepted" relationship like marriage, the couple will try and tend to EXHAUST all efforts to make it work..if it doesn't, that is when the two know it's over. You are not upset about your marriage because you knew it was over...meanwhile, the affair is barely lingering on its forelimbs...no one has the guts to do something about it while there is CLEARLY STRONG FEELINGS from both sides...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Sat, 10-30-2004 - 4:58pm
Hello Greeneyes,

Well your question is a tough one, I had an affair with a married man for 3.5 years I too am married with kids been with hubby for 17 years. I had never done this myself and so he says neither did he. The thing is that my affair ended 8 weeks ago and I still feel very strongly about this person and as every day passes I still thnk of him and wish we could have that wonderful A we had. The only way I yet to know how to cope is day to day, I wish I could be of more help but I wish someone could answer that same question for me too. I am tired of hurting. I try to vent with this board as much as I can and it helps to hear that I am not alone when I thought I was, so many of us with similiar storys.

I am hear if you need. The only thing is try to stay strong and keep yourself busy and maintain NO CONTACT if not you will set yourself up with more heartache than what your feeling already. Hun I speak from the experience I have been going through the last eight weeks. I am sorry I wish I had an answer for you, and for myself.

Take Care, HUGS

Ladybug.....