How do you get answers?
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How do you get answers?
| Mon, 03-08-2004 - 12:09pm |
I have not seen OM since our first ic 4 months ago now. We were on-line together 1 month ago and it ended so weird. I called him the next day and he acted like nothing was wrong but couldn't talk. I have not seen him on-line since. Last Monday I called his cell. I was surprised he answered and even more surprised when he gave me his office number and told me to call him there. We talked for a short while. I told him it bothered me that he had told me I was using him and I wasn't. He said, 'I didn't mean that in a bad way, you always think everything is bad and it's not'. Then he says he can't risk losing his girlfriend and I asked if they were back together. He said they were just best friends right now. I told him that I was just going to e-mail him, but was afraid that what I want to say won't come acrossed right. I told him that we only seem to im or e-mail and things get misconstrued that way. He said, 'that's how I do 70% of my business'. So, once again I told him I would like to meet with him and talk through some things because I don't like how everything played out. (I've been telling him this since December. First he said, middle of January, then when I called then, he said end of February, then when I called then, he says end of March). So I said, I'll be busy then, I really want to talk to you this week. He said he would maybe have some free time on Friday. He told me to e-mail him and gave me his new office e-mail. I was surprised he did this and thought this time it would be different. I e-mailed him there on Tuesday about some things I had been thinking of. He replied, 'you think too much', so I backed off and replied 'you are right, I will work on being more carefree'. So then we e-mailed for about an hour about a mutual interest we have. I sent him a joke on Friday and a p.s. that I would have free time on Friday and Saturday if he did. No reply. He said he goes out of town this Thursday, that is always his reply, but sometimes I have found out it was a lie. I know I may just be asking for trouble, but I need to talk to him, find out why he treated me like he did, why this turned out to be a one night stand after a year of friendship. Why he hasn't been in contact. I want to explain and clear myself about some things he heard that aren't true. This is where I need advice. Should I just type my thoughts in an e-mail and send it to him, should I call him again and ask for some time to talk when he is in town. He gave me his office number and his office e-mail. Should I take it that he wants me to use them? I really think he will give me some answers if we could meet one on one. We have always had our best talks that way, phone would be second. I don't seem to have much luck with e-mails or im with him. I don't think I can let this go until I talk to him. I'm trying, but I get angrier as time goes on. I can tell he doesn't want to talk, but he also doesn't tell me to just go away. He will reply sometimes, which keeps me just hanging here. And then when he gave me his office number and e-mail, it even confused me more. I know this makes me look so desperate and I hate it, but I am. For any of you that got answers, what worked best for you? Please, any advice is welcome. Thanks, C

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>>>Sometimes he replies sometimes he doesn't.<<< My xmm use to do that to me, too. It use to drive me nuts. Even if he answers the questions that you have now, there always seem to be more that come up and then it is a never ending cycle of wondering if this time he will answer you.
Instead of focusing on XMM, put the focus on yourself. Do things for you and it will be easier to walk away.
Good luck. It's a tough road, but well worth it in the end. No contact and time are the key to getting past all of this.
Ask yourself, HONESTLY, why you want to know? Will it bring closure? Think about his potential answers: it can be either
a) Yes, you were a one night stand. I like the flirting, the chemistry, the shared intimacy of a close friendship but really, that's all I ever wanted.
OR
b) I fell in love with you or I have these really intense feelings for you and I am afraid of them because you are married and do not seem to be making a move to leave.
OR
c) It started off with fun flirting and then a one night stand, but then I developed feelings and because you were married, I had to shut down and put you away.
Ok....which answer to you like? Which would bring you closure? Would ANY of these answers make YOU feel better? or worse?
I was left with many unanswered questions about exMM's feelings for me...and can only assume through his actions how he felt. I asked myself these questions I posed to you and realized that NONE of them would make me feel better or put closure to it. It just made me realize that I have some SERIOUS internal work to do...about MYSELF not him.
For the longest time, I always believed that fate brought us together. I think fate did, but not for the reasons I had originally thought. I think that it was to make me see my current marriage in a different light...an eye opener. I've also come to realize that if fate, destiny, God or whatever WANTED me and exMM to be together.....it would've happened when we were both available and free for each other to make those decisions. Perhaps, it may be the same with you?
Probably not the answer you wanted...but maybe just another perspective?
big hugs...its tough, honey.
dharma
((Hugs))
Kas
I made the mistake of needing answers the last time something like this happened & XMM wouldn't talk to me. When i got my chance for answers it just opened the door for more contact & things eventually led to that last time together where we had brief IC for the first time & then he left without goodbye, leaving many more unanswered questions. I would've been better to let things go the first time.
MY holiday with H was fantastic. We didn't want to come back to the real world. It was a bit like a 2nd honeymoon in a way & i appreciate him so much for the thoughtful things he does. That holiday was booked as my christmas present from him.
Kas
What a lovely, thoughtful gift from your husband. I'm so glad you had a good time together. Thanks for your point on the lying thing. When I do tell lies, which is not often, it is always a part of my life that I feel insecure about and want to change. I use it as a helpful tool to myself to improve that area. Sometimes I think I am so dumb when it comes to SM. I never really stop to think about the underlying issues. I guess it's that schoolgirl crush thing..walking in the clouds. Anyway, my H and I have a successful business also and SM got fired from where I knew him. He had to feel absolutely embarrassed. That is when he stopped contact with me. That is so obvious, but I never thought about it until you just brought it up. Also, as I've stepped back from him, I'm beginning to see things much more clearly now. He was a compulsive liar. I heard someone say that about him just last night. He lied to everyone, not just me. About things that didn't even matter to anyone. You are right, as time goes by and I do not contact him, I am feeling like I am getting my dignity back. Everyone on this board that has said NC is the only way to go is SO RIGHT. It hurts like hell at first, but in the end it's the only thing that takes the pain away. I'm giving up on getting answers. As time goes by it just seems so stupid. I'm almost forgetting what my questions were anymore, lol but true! I'm feeling so much better and I think you are too! You are a great person. Good luck in your business with your H. We all make bad decisions in our personal life and our business lives now and then. If we work hard we can always make our way again! Hugs Kass, C
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