How do you get answers?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
How do you get answers?
16
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 12:09pm
I have not seen OM since our first ic 4 months ago now. We were on-line together 1 month ago and it ended so weird. I called him the next day and he acted like nothing was wrong but couldn't talk. I have not seen him on-line since. Last Monday I called his cell. I was surprised he answered and even more surprised when he gave me his office number and told me to call him there. We talked for a short while. I told him it bothered me that he had told me I was using him and I wasn't. He said, 'I didn't mean that in a bad way, you always think everything is bad and it's not'. Then he says he can't risk losing his girlfriend and I asked if they were back together. He said they were just best friends right now. I told him that I was just going to e-mail him, but was afraid that what I want to say won't come acrossed right. I told him that we only seem to im or e-mail and things get misconstrued that way. He said, 'that's how I do 70% of my business'. So, once again I told him I would like to meet with him and talk through some things because I don't like how everything played out. (I've been telling him this since December. First he said, middle of January, then when I called then, he said end of February, then when I called then, he says end of March). So I said, I'll be busy then, I really want to talk to you this week. He said he would maybe have some free time on Friday. He told me to e-mail him and gave me his new office e-mail. I was surprised he did this and thought this time it would be different. I e-mailed him there on Tuesday about some things I had been thinking of. He replied, 'you think too much', so I backed off and replied 'you are right, I will work on being more carefree'. So then we e-mailed for about an hour about a mutual interest we have. I sent him a joke on Friday and a p.s. that I would have free time on Friday and Saturday if he did. No reply. He said he goes out of town this Thursday, that is always his reply, but sometimes I have found out it was a lie. I know I may just be asking for trouble, but I need to talk to him, find out why he treated me like he did, why this turned out to be a one night stand after a year of friendship. Why he hasn't been in contact. I want to explain and clear myself about some things he heard that aren't true. This is where I need advice. Should I just type my thoughts in an e-mail and send it to him, should I call him again and ask for some time to talk when he is in town. He gave me his office number and his office e-mail. Should I take it that he wants me to use them? I really think he will give me some answers if we could meet one on one. We have always had our best talks that way, phone would be second. I don't seem to have much luck with e-mails or im with him. I don't think I can let this go until I talk to him. I'm trying, but I get angrier as time goes on. I can tell he doesn't want to talk, but he also doesn't tell me to just go away. He will reply sometimes, which keeps me just hanging here. And then when he gave me his office number and e-mail, it even confused me more. I know this makes me look so desperate and I hate it, but I am. For any of you that got answers, what worked best for you? Please, any advice is welcome. Thanks, C

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 2:43pm
As hard as it will be, don't email him anymore.

>>>Sometimes he replies sometimes he doesn't.<<< My xmm use to do that to me, too. It use to drive me nuts. Even if he answers the questions that you have now, there always seem to be more that come up and then it is a never ending cycle of wondering if this time he will answer you.

Instead of focusing on XMM, put the focus on yourself. Do things for you and it will be easier to walk away.

Good luck. It's a tough road, but well worth it in the end. No contact and time are the key to getting past all of this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 5:23pm
Take it from someone who's been going through this for a while. He won't tell you not to call. It's easier to string you along because he can. He feels like he still has the upper hand... and he does. Just let it go. It's soooo hard to do it, I know. You have to. When they act like that you have to be the one to find the strength from heaven only knows where. I was the stronger one and walked away. Right now my situation has gotten really ugly and I came here for support. This is the place to come when you're feeling crappy about things, not to him. Hang in there sister! *HUGS*
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 8:59am
Yes, you are right, this is the place to come. So you both think that I shouldn't even send a short e-mail like I can't keep doing this, asking you to talk to me and you keep putting me off. Just tell me what's up? I already feel like I've made such a fool of myself, chasing him for answers. I told him the other day on the phone, I always felt comfortable around you and you never judged me. That is the only reason why I didn't give up on this a long time ago. He said I never did judge you and I liked you for who you are so just be yourself. This really is driving me nuts. I feel so used and angry. I'm taking it out on others and I so don't want to go there. This is so hard, I don't know how I will get passed this unless I get to talk to him. It's the feeling of being a one night stand after such a long time of flirting and being friends and then not seeing him or even talking to him that is the worst. Why can't I just come right out and say that to him? Everytime I get him on the phone I don't. Why? It's really all I want to say. Yes, I guess it is easier for him to just string me along. I really feel like e-mailing him and saying, so you don't want to see me again because you know you will want me, or is it because you feel so badly about how you treated me. I won't, but I know the answer to both is yes. Why do you think he gave me his work phone number and e-mail address? Does he want me to continue contacting him? C
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 1:42pm
cowboy~

Ask yourself, HONESTLY, why you want to know? Will it bring closure? Think about his potential answers: it can be either

a) Yes, you were a one night stand. I like the flirting, the chemistry, the shared intimacy of a close friendship but really, that's all I ever wanted.

OR

b) I fell in love with you or I have these really intense feelings for you and I am afraid of them because you are married and do not seem to be making a move to leave.

OR

c) It started off with fun flirting and then a one night stand, but then I developed feelings and because you were married, I had to shut down and put you away.

Ok....which answer to you like? Which would bring you closure? Would ANY of these answers make YOU feel better? or worse?

I was left with many unanswered questions about exMM's feelings for me...and can only assume through his actions how he felt. I asked myself these questions I posed to you and realized that NONE of them would make me feel better or put closure to it. It just made me realize that I have some SERIOUS internal work to do...about MYSELF not him.

For the longest time, I always believed that fate brought us together. I think fate did, but not for the reasons I had originally thought. I think that it was to make me see my current marriage in a different light...an eye opener. I've also come to realize that if fate, destiny, God or whatever WANTED me and exMM to be together.....it would've happened when we were both available and free for each other to make those decisions. Perhaps, it may be the same with you?

Probably not the answer you wanted...but maybe just another perspective?

big hugs...its tough, honey.

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 4:38pm
Dharma, thanks for your response. You are so kind to reach out even with all you have going right now. Actually Dharma, and I've thought of this for a while, I would LOVE any one of those answers from him and yes ANY of those would bring me closure. It would just make me feel better that he felt enough for my feelings to talk with me, give me an answer and not keep putting me off. Every time he lets me hanging I feel used by him all over again. I really don't care what he feels for me anymore because it has been so long since I've seen him and I don't think I would even want to be with him again. The "roll" we were on is gone now. There has been too much of a break. However, I would like to talk to him as a friend because he never judges and I always got very good advice from him. I'm taking it from you all that I would probably be best to get that advice here now instead. I'm having a bad week. I have found when things are going well in my life I tend to forget him, but as soon as things in my life get hectic I think of him again. I guess because it is unresolved in my mind. C
Avatar for kassieree
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 8:43pm
How do you get answers? Unfortunately you don't. When they refuse to answer you the only thing you can do is accept that you made a mistake & move on. As hard as that may be. I know exactly how you are feeling as our situations are very similar. But actions speak louder than words cowboy & his actions for a long time have told you what you don't want to accept. That you were just a one night stand. I know it eats you up inside & how angry you are at yourself cause i am feeling exactly the same way. But you have to start focusing on the parts of your life that are more important than him. And especially on yourself. Only when you can accept that you made a mistake will you feel ready to put this whole thing behind you. I have found that peace within myself to do that now & i feel a whole lot better for it. I am focusing now on me & my H & our M. But most importantly on me. And you should do the same for yourself. I still have my bad days when i ask myself how i let this whole thing happen & wish that things could've ended differently but they didn't so i just have to accept things for the way they were. As for why he gave you his new contact details well maybe he just likes the way you feed his ego. Let it go honey & in time you will look back & wonder what the attraction was in the first place. And who knows maybe when you stop feeding his ego he'll come to you & you'll get the chance for all those unanswered questions. But in all honesty will they really make a difference in the end? I really didn't like the person i became when XMM moved away without saying goodbye & leaving so many unanswered questions. I feel like i became obsessive & neurotic & that is so not like the person i am. So i'm getting back my self esteem & i'm forgetting this whole thing ever happened. That's all you can do. Mark it down as a tough lesson learned.

((Hugs))

Kas

Avatar for kassieree
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 10:55am
P.S.

I made the mistake of needing answers the last time something like this happened & XMM wouldn't talk to me. When i got my chance for answers it just opened the door for more contact & things eventually led to that last time together where we had brief IC for the first time & then he left without goodbye, leaving many more unanswered questions. I would've been better to let things go the first time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 9:09pm
Hi Kass and thanks for your reply. Of course you are right about everything. Your p.s., that is exactly why SM will not meet me. He thinks if we get together to talk we will have sex again and he will get even more attached. BUT I just want to talk. The thought of being with him sexually is beginning to disgust me, which is good. I made it 40+ years without being a one night stand and I am not feeling so good about myself since this happened. I know it wasn't because he didn't like me. He just got so freaked out! I do not like who I have become either. I haven't seen SM in so long, I barely remember what he looked like. I don't even recall many details of us being together either. I quit thinking of all of that long ago so I would forget. It was weird, when I talked to him last week, he told me more lies about a big promotion he just got, travelling, etc. He lies to me all the time. He forgets what he tells me even. I guess he wants to make himself look better, who knows. But that is why I want to talk to him, to make myself look better. I'd like to explain to him why I was unfaithful to my H. It is so much more complicated than he could even know. I just want to explain myself to get back some dignity. But, in the meantime, I keep losing my dignity basically begging him to talk to me. So it's a lose/lose situation and I have given it up. I want to move on. It's helping being here and reading all the posts. So, keep posting, let me know how you are progressing. How was your holiday with your H??????? C

Avatar for kassieree
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 7:33pm
You don't need to talk to him to get your dignity back. Only you can give that back to yourself anyway. And keep in mind that if he feels that he needs to lie to you to make himself look better than what he is then he obviously holds you higher than you hold yourself. Someone suggested to me that that was maybe why my XMM moved away w/out saying goodbye because he felt like he couldn't compare himself to me. I have reason to believe the decision for him & his W to sell up & move away was a financial one and H & I run a fairly successful small business despite some mistakes we've made along the way. But if that's his thinking then it frustrates me even more because i never once judged him for not being permanently employed. After all it wasn't that he wasn't looking & he was happy to take whatever work he could whilst he was looking. Anyway my point is that if your SM feels the need to lie to you to make him feel better then that should be enough to show you that in his eyes you are better than he his so you shouldn't feel the need to explain anything. Again it was that thinking that led XMM & i back together last time & in the end i was left with less dignity than the first time.

MY holiday with H was fantastic. We didn't want to come back to the real world. It was a bit like a 2nd honeymoon in a way & i appreciate him so much for the thoughtful things he does. That holiday was booked as my christmas present from him.

Kas

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 7:39am
Hi Kass,

What a lovely, thoughtful gift from your husband. I'm so glad you had a good time together. Thanks for your point on the lying thing. When I do tell lies, which is not often, it is always a part of my life that I feel insecure about and want to change. I use it as a helpful tool to myself to improve that area. Sometimes I think I am so dumb when it comes to SM. I never really stop to think about the underlying issues. I guess it's that schoolgirl crush thing..walking in the clouds. Anyway, my H and I have a successful business also and SM got fired from where I knew him. He had to feel absolutely embarrassed. That is when he stopped contact with me. That is so obvious, but I never thought about it until you just brought it up. Also, as I've stepped back from him, I'm beginning to see things much more clearly now. He was a compulsive liar. I heard someone say that about him just last night. He lied to everyone, not just me. About things that didn't even matter to anyone. You are right, as time goes by and I do not contact him, I am feeling like I am getting my dignity back. Everyone on this board that has said NC is the only way to go is SO RIGHT. It hurts like hell at first, but in the end it's the only thing that takes the pain away. I'm giving up on getting answers. As time goes by it just seems so stupid. I'm almost forgetting what my questions were anymore, lol but true! I'm feeling so much better and I think you are too! You are a great person. Good luck in your business with your H. We all make bad decisions in our personal life and our business lives now and then. If we work hard we can always make our way again! Hugs Kass, C

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