How do you get answers?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
How do you get answers?
16
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 12:09pm
I have not seen OM since our first ic 4 months ago now. We were on-line together 1 month ago and it ended so weird. I called him the next day and he acted like nothing was wrong but couldn't talk. I have not seen him on-line since. Last Monday I called his cell. I was surprised he answered and even more surprised when he gave me his office number and told me to call him there. We talked for a short while. I told him it bothered me that he had told me I was using him and I wasn't. He said, 'I didn't mean that in a bad way, you always think everything is bad and it's not'. Then he says he can't risk losing his girlfriend and I asked if they were back together. He said they were just best friends right now. I told him that I was just going to e-mail him, but was afraid that what I want to say won't come acrossed right. I told him that we only seem to im or e-mail and things get misconstrued that way. He said, 'that's how I do 70% of my business'. So, once again I told him I would like to meet with him and talk through some things because I don't like how everything played out. (I've been telling him this since December. First he said, middle of January, then when I called then, he said end of February, then when I called then, he says end of March). So I said, I'll be busy then, I really want to talk to you this week. He said he would maybe have some free time on Friday. He told me to e-mail him and gave me his new office e-mail. I was surprised he did this and thought this time it would be different. I e-mailed him there on Tuesday about some things I had been thinking of. He replied, 'you think too much', so I backed off and replied 'you are right, I will work on being more carefree'. So then we e-mailed for about an hour about a mutual interest we have. I sent him a joke on Friday and a p.s. that I would have free time on Friday and Saturday if he did. No reply. He said he goes out of town this Thursday, that is always his reply, but sometimes I have found out it was a lie. I know I may just be asking for trouble, but I need to talk to him, find out why he treated me like he did, why this turned out to be a one night stand after a year of friendship. Why he hasn't been in contact. I want to explain and clear myself about some things he heard that aren't true. This is where I need advice. Should I just type my thoughts in an e-mail and send it to him, should I call him again and ask for some time to talk when he is in town. He gave me his office number and his office e-mail. Should I take it that he wants me to use them? I really think he will give me some answers if we could meet one on one. We have always had our best talks that way, phone would be second. I don't seem to have much luck with e-mails or im with him. I don't think I can let this go until I talk to him. I'm trying, but I get angrier as time goes on. I can tell he doesn't want to talk, but he also doesn't tell me to just go away. He will reply sometimes, which keeps me just hanging here. And then when he gave me his office number and e-mail, it even confused me more. I know this makes me look so desperate and I hate it, but I am. For any of you that got answers, what worked best for you? Please, any advice is welcome. Thanks, C

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 3:35pm
Hi Cowboy,

I am sorry your hurting but, after reading your post all I can think of is that I would probably not want to see you again either.

People get involved in affairs to have fun and escape from reality. Personally, I want to have a good time leave all the pressure of family, work and the real world outside the motel door. I would not want to be involved with someone who is constantly questioning and putting demands on me.

In fact, often times I will purposefully go without calling or seeing my MM for several weeks. It makes seeing him so much fun and I never talk about problems in my personal life. Keep it simple and fun. Always remember when you have an affair it is all just a big fantasy, it's not real life.

Lighten up, don't call, email or write. Let him come to you. It is the only way.

Good Luck

HFL

Avatar for kassieree
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 7:58pm
I know exactly what you mean about forgetting the questions you want answered. I'm at that point too. And i think that's makes all the difference. Being able to step back from the whole situation does often make you realise how stupid we can be at times. I'm glad you are also feeling better now. Take some time out to focus on yourself & maybe even your H. Do something special either just for you or maybe for the both of you. Hugs back to you. Kass
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 7:44am
Hi HFL,

Thanks for your advice. That is exactly why I got into the affair, for fun and to escape from reality. I told that to SM from the beginning. I never once talked about my husband or any problems in life or put demands on him. I only wanted answers when SM stopped responding after ic because he said he was so freaked out. Now I wish I hadn't even then.

"Lighten up, don't call, email or write. Let him come to you. It is the only way."

Most of the time, this is the only way. But my SM was quite different. He would not come to me and told me that. He did at the beginning but later stopped. He said because I was married, he felt he was a "prize" to me and I had to come to him. It was all so confusing and the fun stopped for me.

So I guess there is never a generic problem or a generic answer. There are so many common stories here, but each is always unique in some way.

I do need to lighten up with all areas in my life and I'm trying.

Thanks again,

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 6:39pm
Oh Cowboy our situations are so similar it is scary! I have just been reading your posts and can't believe there is someone out there going through exactly the same feelings. My OM and I were close friends for 12 months before we slept together and then he just pulled away totally. He said (in an email) "I don't want anything further between us, no matter what you say". That just about killed me and I so keep blaming myself - what did I do/didn't do/say/didn't say. He knew I was married and just wanting a fling - I was upfront with him so why can't be be that way with me? It is agonising.

I'm on the roller coaster of emotions right now - wanting to end all contact but at the same time wanting answers I don't think I will ever get as he keeps answering my emails except when I ask him to talk (in person). Then he ignores me!

Keep hanging in there - I'm thinking of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 7:51am
Hi Sadally,

It's weird to read a post that is so similar to your own situation. It always helps me. I'm sure your self esteem and dignity has been damaged, as mine has. It's been just over 4 months for me now since we were together and I'm starting to feel so much better. I've only e-mailed him jokes about once a week for the last few weeks, nothing else, and I've decided to end that now too. I wanted to let go slowly, with light stuff, kind of get a message to him that I'm okay. I still have so much anger and confusion inside but I do not want him to know that. The one thing that has helped me is I know that nothing was my problem, he treated me with disrespect and he feels guilty for it. That is why he doesn't want to face me, and also because he knows he will want me. He said so many times to me.. out of sight, out of mind, when I see you I go crazy. So I know what is going on. But, you know, cheers to him for letting go and not wanting to pursue a married woman. I give him credit for that one. It was fun while it was fun, but once that stopped I should have let go immediately. But, it was my first affair and I didn't know. I have learned a big lesson should it ever happen again. I've learned so much here about setting rules from the beginning, communicating about what each other expects out of the affair. And honesty, because there are already so many lies, you have to be honest with each other. I don't think my SM knows what that word means though, lol. Sadally, so many people here have helped me make it through. I took bits from each post. One that really sticks in my head is someone who said..if you can't get answers from him, just make some up yourself, ones that help you through. I did that and it has helped. Try it, okay. STOP asking him to talk. HE WILL NOT. Just STOP NOW, because you will only make yourself feel worse. Hugs to you Sadally, C
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 10:08am
Cowboy,

Being religious and spiritual, I believe that the pain that you go through after an affair or during is in fact God's compensation (I didn't want to use the term punishment) for the adultery that has been commited. I suggest that if you are in fact religious, pray and repent and make a vow never to repeat it. It helps a lot. That being said :) lets move on to the psychology part. Men like beautiful women falling for them and chasing them BUT they like SANE beautiful women doing that. The moment we start sounding obsessive, neurotic, stalkish, that seems to turn them off big time. Wouldn't it turn us off too....lets imagine cowboy your guy calling you all the time and demanding answers....I don't think you would appreciate his behavior a lot if lets say his behavior was just a replica of yours...you agree? You probably wouldnt find him intriguing.

If you guys had chemistry and love with each other that doesn't go away overnight although the big worriers that we are we tend to think that way. I would suggest pull away completely....just act as if you disappeared off the face of the earth and he has no idea where you are or what you upto......meanwhile keep praying and asking God to direct you and create the paths for you whether it be with your hubby or the MM (assuming marriage with him and not adultery). Leave it to fate. It helps. I am pretty sure that within a month of your disppearance your guy is gonna get inquisitive about you. At that time maybe your mind would have gotten the clarity on how to proceed.

PG

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