How do you get lovin feelin back for H

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
How do you get lovin feelin back for H
19
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 9:34am
When xap is always on the mind....how do I find those feelings again for H.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 10:02am

Without more detail, it's hard to reply about specifics - but, I, too, am having a really hard time reconnecting with H. He's good, gorgeous, loving but he was emotionally and physically unavailable and I came to resent it so much that I tuned out of our marriage completely to avoid the pain. I then found Xap and started to unfairly compare the two. Poor H! I became snappy, antsy, mean and totally GONE to him. Now, it's time to rebuild and I project my guilt and negative self image into the equation. I have NO sex drive for him, none. We haven't had a physical relationship in so long that I freak out at the mere thought of being intimate with him. There is no passion and it'd feel like having sex with my brother or something. EW EW EW.

I figure I need to completely heal from this A, or at least come out of the fog and give myself some time before I can work on my M full-force. In the meantime, I'm learning to appreciate my H for what he is and I'm doing a 180 on my attitude towards him. Love in = love out. I have to take responsiblity for the damage I've caused and stop blaming H.

It will take time, I'm sure, for both of us. I wish you well in you quest to heal you M.

Best,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 10:13am
Thank you for that Dee.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 10:32am

Hey, acting-

I can relate...I've been trying to reconnect emotionally and physically to my h too...very hard. I was disgustingly physically attracted to my xap and have never had sparks with my h, but something's stirring...at first I pretended my h WAS my xap...ok, ew, I know...but it's getting to the point where I'm not pretending anymore...it is possible...feel free to email me for further details...:o)

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2009
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 10:51am

This is something T and I have been spending a LOT of time on :) For starters, there are TONS of books out there for rekindling marital romance. Relationships are cyclical and our ages/stages of children/health, etc. play a big role.


Here are some suggestions:


*Recall, and put it in writing if necessary, what made you fall in love w/ H in the first place -- odds are some if not all of those things are still there, but as we all know life gets in the way...flames get snuffed out.


*(This was HUGE for me) What was it that xAP did that made you swoon? Can H do any of those things? If so, tell him what you need to feel loved. One of the BIGGEST things I have learned through all of this (in a 19 yr M that I completely checked out of due to my emotional needs not being met and boredom) is that even after 20 yrs w/ this man HE CAN'T READ MY MIND :) And it would be immature to expect him to.


There's a HUGE difference between a partner who knowingly withholds and the clueless man (No offense to the guys...I LOVE 'em...but T says they really are clueless most

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 11:28am
Wow, HH2B, We never went to marriage counseling, but when my husband noticed that I was "checking out" he became very scared that something was up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 11:57am
Ouch, ouch, ouch. tears.
feel you.
be strong.
xo,
Dee
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 12:19pm

Actingasif,


I can honestly say that the only thing that worked for me was time. I like you tried not to think of xap especially during those intimate moments. The more I tried not to think of

~Stargirl~
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2009
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 12:29pm

OK, Acting... UGH :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 12:54pm

Hi ladies,


Just wanted to chime in and say - there is no magic answer. It takes time and a lot of it. It also means being out, completely out of the affair. For those of us who have been out for quite some time, you know what I mean. It's been said here over and over, we can't expect any healing until the xAP is out of our lives and out of our thoughts. For me, it took a lot longer than I thought. During that time, you might have to work with some pretty ucky feelings

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2009
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 1:06pm

Thanks bandk73 for giving us hope :)


And to add to what she said: It's been a recurring theme in my T for me to say to T "This is taking too long!!!" She keeps reminding me that we (humans and I think females moreso) tend underestimate the power these emotions from the A had/have and how long it will take to get them out of our system.


I've said it before and will repeat for the benefit of lurkers (and NOT to discount what I did) my A lasted 10 weeks!!!

Pages