How do you get lovin feelin back for H

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
How do you get lovin feelin back for H
19
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 9:34am
When xap is always on the mind....how do I find those feelings again for H.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 1:23pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2009
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 2:01pm

Thanks :)


Don't want to hijack, but I've said it before and it bears repeating: Those of you who made it OUT of a long-term A and lived to tell about it are my heroes!! And if it wasn't for reading your stories and how you survived... I think I'd be locked up in a padded room right now :)


Back to the "How

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 6:25pm
Thank you to all of you who responded to this very tough issue of trying to get those feelings back for H.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 7:01pm

I think this is a legitimate question and I don't think anyone would judge you for your thoughts! Physical attraction is a mystery. Chemistry, history, affection, lust, love -- who knows?? I know an old man who still lusts after his 70 year old wife. He says he stills sees her as a 25 year old bride and that she never aged in his mind. Ahhhhhh! I think your mindset will determine your attraction to your husband - bald, squat, whatever. Love him from the inside out and all that cr@p. ha. But really, being out of shape and not taking care of yourself is disrespectful in a marriage, I think. You have committed a person to have sex with you and only you (um, yeah, I know... ) and if you don't keep yourself up, it's not very thoughtful, is it?? Maybe your husband's ego could use a boost, or he's a little depressed? Maybe he doesn't think it matters what he looks like because, "nobody cares anyway."
Maybe if you stroke his ego with compliments, he'll start to care about his looks more to please you -- and, maybe, you'll respond to that? I dunno; I'm fumbling here. Just trying to help.

All I know is that mindset and feeling good about your partner over all is key. My H is moviestar gorgeous. No kidding. Drop dead gorgeous... and I couldn't get it up for him if my life depended on it. has nothing to do with looks. Sucks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2008
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 7:11pm
You're not alone in your feelings...I too, feel the same way about H.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 01-26-2010 - 1:58am
I can SO relate to your post. I am in my mid-40's as is H, but I look about 30. My XAP...a model! Not just gorgeous but magnificent, and best of all, appreciated that I was never attracted to him for his looks. I was in love with his heart. We had unfairly strong chemistry. In my 20+ year M we have spent a fortune on lubricants, and the with XAP I could get turned on from laying next to him! He, XAP was a totally intuitive lover, a rarity in a male indeed. I never felt this way about H and now we're working on it (not being intimate yet, in MC and talking through it) and it's incredibly hard. I'm becoming aware of how I shut down my sexual feelings for H as a response to decades of emotional abuse. H knows about the A and is desperate to stay married. He's looking at incredibly painful things about himself. I don't know how to get the feelings back or if it's possible at all, but I'm hoping. H is now working out. I also think it's an issue of respect, not for me but for himself. Ach this is so hard! I ask myself every hour of every day, don't I deserve better? Why can't I have that? Am I asking too much from the universe to have some decent sex? This forum is helping me tremendously, thank you all for your support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 01-26-2010 - 3:02am
Stargirl, I laughed out loud when you wrote XAP set the bar for sex! It is so true for me. My XAP would say things like, "the best thing about when I xxxxx on you is that you enjoy it too! He was an amazing lover and i miss that like crazy. Hubbie really wants to learn to improve. He even suggested, in an amazing moment of levity between us, that maybe XAP could make a youtube instructional video! It was funny, for sure, but it also showed me that his desire to please me and win me back is his highest priority, so I at least owe him some effort on my part.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Tue, 01-26-2010 - 11:14am
GGM,
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2009
Tue, 01-26-2010 - 1:42pm

actingasif -

I know what you mean. I go through such emotional phases. I'm trying so, so hard to have those loving feelings. One week I'm on top of the world because my husband is being so wonderful (see my post from last week) then the next week I'm trying to decide if it is better to be in my marriage or be alone.

Three days of my husband getting mad at me and here I am again. Last night's episode was because I was trying to get out the door and finish up my son's homework. I had a PTA meeting that I was already 10 minutes late for. He was talking about someone at work and I thought he was done so I continued talking with my son about his homework. Then I finished helping him and left. I said goodbye to everyone he seemed fine.

I came home and I could tell he was mad at me. I ask him what was wrong and he wants an apology because he was trying to tell me something important and I ignored him. I try to explain that I thought he was done talking and I was just trying to get going because I was late. He gets very upset leaves the room and pouts all night and today about it. I need to find happiness within and not let these things bother me so much.

The day before was because I asked him to keep his eyes on the road when he was driving on a 2 lane highway it was snowing and he is constantly looking at the fields passing by. He is a hunter and he constantly is looking for deer. I normally try to drive during the day so he can look, but I figured it was almost dark. That made him very upset. The day before it was an argument about how I am doing a part of our budget.

Then I look back and wonder if it is my fault. I doubt myself and it gets me down and I don't want to be down. It just seems like these types of things shouldn't bother him so much, but it has always been this way. So I guess this is a round about way of telling you that I completely understand and the bedroom is a whole other issue. I have no desire to have sex with him right now. I am a confused woman, but really wanting to have some hope for my family.

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