How do you get over the guilt?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
How do you get over the guilt?
4
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 5:12pm
Hi...I've posted here from time to time. Am still trying to get over an affair that ended in mid-October. I've been good with the NC thing except for work situations. It's actually been easy lately when I see him. We are cordial, but there's still some weirdness that I (and he) feels. I miss him on certain days, but overall I think I'm going to be ok. His wife also works here in another dept. I don't see her often at all. The thing is this...I feel such guilt about what we've done to her. She doesn't know anything about what happened, but does/did suspect something of me. He told me not to make any attempts at friendship with her or it would seem suspicious, but I do want a sense of normalcy in my life. I don't want a friendship, I just want to know that everyone is o.k. with me. I don't want this person suspecting me or hating me or having bad thoughts of me. Right now, whenever I see her, I shrink away like a rat. I'm so ashamed. She's a kind person, really. I just don't know how to get over the guilty feelings that I have and act somewhat "normal" when I see her. We actually used to speak now and then, but now I'm too afraid to even look at her. What do I do? I want my old self back, but I feel that until I feel normal around her, I can't be my old self. Advice anyone?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 11:49pm

Hap

I am going to bump this up so maybe someone can give you some insight.

I wonder if you are not your old self but you just can't see it for the guilt blocking your view.

You have already repented (had a change of heart) of what you have done, now it's time to forgive "YOU".

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 7:31am

Self forgiveness is the best antidote for guilt. The next time you see her send silent thoughts her way such as "I'm am truely sorry" or "Please forgvie me."

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 2:42pm
I think you have to forget to forgive yourself. I think that you need to see yourself as human and you made an error. Things happen for a reason and I admire your conscience--I wish I was able to have as much guilt for my indiscretions. You're not planning on repeating your actions. Just fight your urge to feel so low around her and be cordial, friendly. Are you worried that she may find out? I would imagine the worry of having a relationship with her and then having it blow up at work would add some pressure. I think you need to act like the person you strive and want to be towards her. Your guilt will go away in time, the longer you change your behavior.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
Thu, 01-20-2005 - 9:26pm
Thank you for all of the nice thoughts. I do think that part of my reasons for feeling so guilty is b/c I am so pissed off at myself for stooping to such a low level. Ironically enough, on the very same day that I wrote that first posting, I ran into her and her two kids where I work. I seriously RAN into them. She was actually very nice towards me, and we had a brief exchange of cordial hellos. I guess maybe she doesn't suspect me or if she does, she's good at covering up her feelings. But it felt somewhat ok and I left that run-in with a somewhat happy outlook on the whole situation. When I told the XMM about it, he just said, "Just don't push anything." I wasn't planning on inviting her to lunch or anything, I just wanted to try to make amends and treat her like a human being for once. When I saw her with her two little kids, I felt like a big heel. I feel like a lowlife for what I did, so yes, I do need to forgive myself. It's hard though b/c some little part of me is a little sad that it's all over, but I won't go there again ever. It's just very hard in all possible ways. Thanks again. I'll just keep working on it.