how do you get over it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
how do you get over it?
7
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 11:36pm
I am 32 and have recently ended an emotional extramarital relationship (there were a lot of factors that went into it, my marriage was very unstable and he was going through a divorce...but suffice it to say I fell in love deeply with this man). Because of my beliefs, I had never considered it within the realm of possibility that I would or could have an affair...even if it was an affair of the heart rather than a physical relationship. But these feelings were very real. It ended because we knew we could not continue like that and had to make a choice, and the consequences of divorcing to be with him would be devastating...personally, as I have a two-year-old son, and professionally for both of us, since we met at work, and we were in high-profile positions it had taken years to acquire.

He has said that if my marriage ended of its own accord, he would want to be with me, but not if I left my husband just to be with him. And I know that he is right. The problem is that we were very close friends and we still work together, but we are avoiding talking or working on projects together. I have decided it is probably better to leave rather than be around him, since I am still very much in love with him, and he admitted to me yesterday (when we finally talked for the first time in a week) that he still loves me but will not be the reason for breaking up my marriage. Meanwhile, I am trying to focus on my marriage and give it another chance...and I am wondering if I do the actions, if the emotions will follow. Or do you just learn to live with not feeling the emotions? I had done so before, but I didn't know how deeply and spiritually you could feel for someone until I met this man. I truly feel that he completes me...that sounds cliche, weak and stupid, and I am a strong woman in all other areas of my life. But it is true. I keep feeling as though I'm at a crossroads and that at the end of my life, I will look back and regret letting this man go. But then, I cannot hurt my husband and son so badly just to satisfy my own emotional needs. I have suggested marriage counseling, but my husband won't go. Help! How do you get over loving someone so deeply and learn to fall in love with the person you have committed to?



iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 11:51pm
NewsGal

I wish I could say that I had all the answers....but, sadly, I don't. What I *CAN* offer you is my own experience and perspective. I have been in an EMA for 5 years with the same man and I chose to end it. So, I know what you are feeling.

First of all, you will read it over and over on this board - how NO CONTACT is the only way to go and how important it is...and I will repeat it daily - and you should too. This is probably the 6th or 7th time I have tried to end my EMA, so I know how important this step is.

You asked, should you just go through the motions/actions and your emotions and feelings will follow... and I have to say YES. Act as though you have made the BEST decision for not only YOU but your family. Imerse yourself in the love of your 2 year old child. There is NO LOVE greater than the love of FAMILY. Period.

There is an article posted on here by CowgirlsUp - about the 4 stages of grief. You need to read it... it is worth the time! Read about things to enrich your life. Get an hour long massage, get a pedicure...feel pretty and pamper yourself. The worst thing to do is wallow. Sure, cry - cry ALOT it is cathartic, but get a grip and move on with your life. Life is too short to waste on something that made you feel so good, but that was ultimately not the right path for you. I know I have lost some very important things in my life, because I made decisions around the OMM...and what do I have to show for it...NOT a damn thing, but my broken heart, and memories of times I have missed out on what truly was important that I lost sight of...

Good luck NG - and be patient with yourself. Trust your instincts.

Honey

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 11:53pm
Newsgal



"I am wondering if I do the actions, if the emotions will follow"

The answer to that can be yes But you have to get away from XMM, if he is still in the picture I don't believe you can make it work you will be to divided to tempted.

He has to be gone for you to truly apply yourself.

If you can make a job move that will stop you from seeing or communicating with him it can help you greatly, the watch word is NO CONTACT, not easy but it can be done.

Looking back when your in your last days or standing before God you may be very glad that you made every effort to save your marriage whether it works or not at least your consounce will be clean.

And if by some chance down the road you and this other man were to get together your relationship will not be founded on LIES, CHEATING AND SNEAKING AROUND, but on HONESTY AND INTEGRATY and that foundation is a much more sure bases for a marriage.

"Be as wise as a serpent but as harmless as a dove".

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 12:15am
Wow...just posted my message and already such warm, sound advice. Thanks to both of you. You have helped me more than you know.

I admit I sent him an email today just to see how he is doing, since his ex-wife had been giving him a hard time about the divorce (she was having an open affair and was an alcoholic who was physically abusive). He didn't answer. I think he is wiser than I am. I thought perhaps we could still be friends, but I see you are right about not having any contact. I guess it's like an alcoholic hanging out in a bar just to be near the beer but not actually drink it. We were an awesome team at work and could have really done phenomenal things if we had not fallen for each other. (people at work had noticed the chemistry, and that was another problem, since we are in the public eye, so to speak.)

I will read the article about grief, because I am grieving deeply for the loss of this relationship, wrong as it was. And I will continue to work on my marriage. I have focused too much time on this relationship as it is.

Thank you again. God bless you.

Newsgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 9:56am
Welcome aboard, Newsgal. I'll give you the advice alot of people gave me: your heart can't be in 2 places at the same time. If you commit to spending some more quality time with your H, I do honestly believe that eventually you will enjoy it more.

Something you posted really spoke to me, something to the effect that he completes you. Corny, but I do totally understand what you meant. Just give this a shot: maybe he opened up parts of your heart and spirit that you didn't even know existed, and you can re-enter your marriage bringing in those new feelings. True, it may be a side of you that didn't exist before the A. But is it possible you can bring this new spiritual excitement to your marriage????

I had this kind of experience. I was a totally different person with the XMM. After I ended the A, I tried to be more of that person in my marriage and further explore those things about my A that seemed so meaningful. I found that they enhanced my marriage and my DH really responded to my new openness. I don't know if that makes sense, but I have a feeling you'll be able to put it into context in your life.

Hang in there, honey. You're doing the right thing, and when you do the right thing, the right thing happens. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 10:15am
Newsgal,

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Our situations are very similar. Scary similar, in fact.

I don't have any advice to offer, since I am in the same boat as you. I just wanted to offer some ((((HUGS)))) and let you know that you're not the only one.

What I am trying to do right now is to look deep within myself and see if I can really believe that my husband and I will be together forever if we get over this bump in the road. If not, then why am I hanging on to it now? The last thing I want to do is stay in this marriage for the kids, and have nothing left when they are gone. Just food for thought!

HUGS

choc

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 10:45am
Hello Newsgal,

Welcome to the board. I ma sorry you are going thru this difficult time. I know the feelings all to well. My marriage was unstable also when my affair began. That was 3.5 years ago and it ended two months ago. The pain I still feel is pretty bad because I did not want to let go. My affair started off as emotional and then, well the physical portion came along within time. We understood each other and we were very good friends to each other as well. The affair eneded because we almost got caught by my H. We panicked and we decided to do what was best for the both of us. Neither one of us wanted it but it was what needed to be done. The NC is the hardest thing, I have caved in recently and well I am trying to start all over again. I dont think anyone wakes up one morning to say I am going to start an affair today, destroy my moral, destroy my family integrity and so on. It happens even to the best of us, as you can see you are not alone, there are alot of us in similiar situations and we all comfort and support each other on this board. You will find that feeling at your lowest you can have us to vent and keep you going.

My H never found out about the A and I am focusing on rebuilding what I had let go. It is possible if you try. I am glad in a sense that this happened to me because I have found my way back to my family and my H. I feel I have been given an oppurtunity to rebuild my life with hubby again and that is my number one goal at this very moment. Its not easy though because yes my heart is split in two, but I beleive with time it will mend like every wound does. There is no such thing as to how long does it take, You deal with it day to day. I wont lie in saying this person will always be a special part of my life and as far as the love ending for him I dont know. I do love my husband and I am doing everything possible to just focus on him and him alone. Try to maintain the no contact, it helps in many ways.

Good Luck, You have come to the proper place, I am here for you if needed.

Take Care

Ladybug

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 1:48pm
"I have suggested marriage counseling, but my husband won't go."

You haven't provided your DH with all of the facts. If you are upfront with hin about what is going on with you he very likely would make a different decision. If he still isn't interestsed in MC then he might be interested in divorcing on mutual terms.