How do you get past the anger?
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| Sun, 05-01-2005 - 7:07pm |
Hello,
I've never posted here before though I've lurked a lot. Here's my story: Met MM at my job 2.5 yrs ago. Got involved quickly and had an A. 4 months into it, he separated and moved to my city about 45 minutes from his family. I separated 1 month after that, mostly due to the pressure put on me from him. I got divorced and realize it probably was for the best. My exH and I still speak but I am not in love with him anymore. Back then the marriage probably could have been saved but...that was my fault, I take the blame. So 6 months after MM moved to my city, his lease was up and he moved back to his hometown to wrap things up. He was going to move to an apt above his parents store near his children and promised to move back within a few months. That was a year and a half ago. I was never able to see where he lives because he didn't want people to know about me until he was divorced. It made sense at the time, long ago. It took him till this past December to file and now its been 2 yrs that they have been separated and still, no divorce. There have been many reasons and the same old lines we all hear. He had a court date for March 11th but something happened and it had to be rescheduled. Now its June 3rd. But he has promised to either let me come to his apt or get a lease back here for ages and never followed through. Now he told me the other day that he wants no contact till he is divorced and able to give me the life I deserve. This would sound reasonable except that he has shown that his word means nothing and I have nothing to base all this on. I mean, I don't even know that he is really separated, getting divorced, etc. I understand time apart but no contact? So basically right now, he is ignoring me and I made him tell me this to my face last Friday and he twists it around that he doesnt deserve to be with me now and he's not ignoring me, he's being good to me. So I am very angry. Because I can't believe him anymore. I can't sit around here and wait. People say its just one more month, wait it out but its been deadline after deadline. I am going to be 33 this summer. So I decided that I should just walk away - except he's already gone. That makes me even mader. I know that he will eventually return - they all do. Probably just when I am feeling better and dating someone. Thats what happened in December. Too long to write out.
So I am so hurt, so mad. I feel worthless. Intellectually, I know that I trusted someone who could not be trusted by their actions to me and to his wife. So in a way, its my fault. But emotionally, I am so hurt and so so angry.
Help.
Ivy

(((Ivy)))
I am so sorry that you are going through this. It sounds like it has been a real rollercoaster for you throughout all of this. It also sounds like you need to try to move on with your life and try to leave OM behind. Waiting until he sorts out whatever it is that is going on with him is just going to hurt you. You deserve more. Have you considered some counseling to talk about the end of your own marriage as well as the feelings you are currently having? It might help to talk to someone.
The anger is normal, I suppose. I know for me, it took me a long time to get over the feelings: hurt/anger/sadness. Every day is a tiny step forward, and every day, you will get stronger.
I encourage you to post here for support, as well as read others' posts. It will help you gain some insight and you will get wonderful support from everyone here. I wish you all the best!
:)
Circe
ivy,
looks like he is fence sitting and haveing his cake and eat it also
like others said, u deserve more and u do, stop waiting for MM, if he realy is in love with u and willing to make that commitment, he would be divorce by now but he is not, that is a red flag sign
there are single men out there that will give u 100% of there time and attention and love
go for that
welcome to the board,
max
Thank you everyone,
I guess what hurts alot too is that when I was going thru my divorce, I wanted time apart but MM was so insecure that I was going to go back to my H. So I made a lot of efforts to take care of MM. He seems to forget that now. I just feel like a fool. He originally promised that he would be divorced and living back here by 9/1/04 (giving him 9 months to get divorced and move back - his job is here, the states are neighboring). That date came and went and he hadn't even filed. He did finally file by 12/31/04 but still no move. Then he swore by 4/15 and then by 5/1, which is today. He knows how much it hurts me that he lives in a location I cannot go to. Everytime a date passed, he would beg me to stay and since I love him, I could never leave. But in a strange way, now he is being mean and forcing no contact on me when in my mind, there's no reason for it, is makes me mad and shows me the person he really is. I wanted to talk to him today since it is the deadline but he wouldn't answer the phone. I just don't understand what I did to deserve this treatment. I want some control back. Its just so confusing and upsetting because his behavior is so radically different from the last two years. He's not being honest with me and I can feel it. I thought about hiring a PI to find out the truth but decided not to waste 500 dollars. Because if he is lying to me, what am I really going to do with the information? It will only make me insane. I am just so hurt. I can only hope that the pain lessens. Right now it is unbearable. He never called me back but only sent a text message - We need time apart. So I will try hard to just leave him alone and maybe I can one day forget my feelings for him. I jsut don't know how. He told me we were going to get engaged this summer. I am so confused. I dont know if my story makes sense. Sorry for rambling.
Thanks,
Ivy
i just wanted to offer my support. You are really a strong woman and you are making strides toward the life you deserve. Today is only the first day past the "deadline" but we will be here for you :) He obviously does NOT care about you as much as he had you believe. i'm sorry he lead you down the road of deception....but i know you will make it through okay.
hugs,
jen
IVY
If this butt head shows up with anything short of a DIVORCE DECREE in his had I suggest you tell him to take a long walk on a short dock.
If he shows up again he needs to EARN YOUR TRUST it is not something you should be giving to a person that has proven there willingness to lie cheat and manipulate the women in his life.
As for the anger as long as you do not let it become bitterness you can use it as a tool to help you deal with his games.
Free
Clarity, wisdom, and strength to you ::hugs:
Lizzie