How do you get past the anger?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
How do you get past the anger?
7
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 7:07pm

Hello,

I've never posted here before though I've lurked a lot. Here's my story: Met MM at my job 2.5 yrs ago. Got involved quickly and had an A. 4 months into it, he separated and moved to my city about 45 minutes from his family. I separated 1 month after that, mostly due to the pressure put on me from him. I got divorced and realize it probably was for the best. My exH and I still speak but I am not in love with him anymore. Back then the marriage probably could have been saved but...that was my fault, I take the blame. So 6 months after MM moved to my city, his lease was up and he moved back to his hometown to wrap things up. He was going to move to an apt above his parents store near his children and promised to move back within a few months. That was a year and a half ago. I was never able to see where he lives because he didn't want people to know about me until he was divorced. It made sense at the time, long ago. It took him till this past December to file and now its been 2 yrs that they have been separated and still, no divorce. There have been many reasons and the same old lines we all hear. He had a court date for March 11th but something happened and it had to be rescheduled. Now its June 3rd. But he has promised to either let me come to his apt or get a lease back here for ages and never followed through. Now he told me the other day that he wants no contact till he is divorced and able to give me the life I deserve. This would sound reasonable except that he has shown that his word means nothing and I have nothing to base all this on. I mean, I don't even know that he is really separated, getting divorced, etc. I understand time apart but no contact? So basically right now, he is ignoring me and I made him tell me this to my face last Friday and he twists it around that he doesnt deserve to be with me now and he's not ignoring me, he's being good to me. So I am very angry. Because I can't believe him anymore. I can't sit around here and wait. People say its just one more month, wait it out but its been deadline after deadline. I am going to be 33 this summer. So I decided that I should just walk away - except he's already gone. That makes me even mader. I know that he will eventually return - they all do. Probably just when I am feeling better and dating someone. Thats what happened in December. Too long to write out.

So I am so hurt, so mad. I feel worthless. Intellectually, I know that I trusted someone who could not be trusted by their actions to me and to his wife. So in a way, its my fault. But emotionally, I am so hurt and so so angry.

Help.

Ivy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 7:15pm

(((Ivy)))
I am so sorry that you are going through this. It sounds like it has been a real rollercoaster for you throughout all of this. It also sounds like you need to try to move on with your life and try to leave OM behind. Waiting until he sorts out whatever it is that is going on with him is just going to hurt you. You deserve more. Have you considered some counseling to talk about the end of your own marriage as well as the feelings you are currently having? It might help to talk to someone.
The anger is normal, I suppose. I know for me, it took me a long time to get over the feelings: hurt/anger/sadness. Every day is a tiny step forward, and every day, you will get stronger.

I encourage you to post here for support, as well as read others' posts. It will help you gain some insight and you will get wonderful support from everyone here. I wish you all the best!

:)
Circe

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 7:51pm
(((((Ivy))))) It sounds like you have been through a lot, and its hard enough ending a marriage- let alone dealing with the ups and downs of a man who is trying to figure out where he belongs. I know it feels awful right now, but the real truth is this: You deserve better. A relationship that begins from infidelity- isn't the most healthy relationship to begin with. So much baggage to work out and worry about- and you are worth enough to move on and reach out to find men who are separated, single or divorced. There are men out there who don't have to make all these decisions or lead you on for months. For your own sake, let go of the anger and love yourself..give yourself what you are deserving of. Go along with the no contact, not because that's what he wants, but for YOU..(((((Hugs to you))))))
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 9:55pm

ivy,

looks like he is fence sitting and haveing his cake and eat it also

like others said, u deserve more and u do, stop waiting for MM, if he realy is in love with u and willing to make that commitment, he would be divorce by now but he is not, that is a red flag sign

there are single men out there that will give u 100% of there time and attention and love

go for that

welcome to the board,
max

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 10:27pm

Thank you everyone,

I guess what hurts alot too is that when I was going thru my divorce, I wanted time apart but MM was so insecure that I was going to go back to my H. So I made a lot of efforts to take care of MM. He seems to forget that now. I just feel like a fool. He originally promised that he would be divorced and living back here by 9/1/04 (giving him 9 months to get divorced and move back - his job is here, the states are neighboring). That date came and went and he hadn't even filed. He did finally file by 12/31/04 but still no move. Then he swore by 4/15 and then by 5/1, which is today. He knows how much it hurts me that he lives in a location I cannot go to. Everytime a date passed, he would beg me to stay and since I love him, I could never leave. But in a strange way, now he is being mean and forcing no contact on me when in my mind, there's no reason for it, is makes me mad and shows me the person he really is. I wanted to talk to him today since it is the deadline but he wouldn't answer the phone. I just don't understand what I did to deserve this treatment. I want some control back. Its just so confusing and upsetting because his behavior is so radically different from the last two years. He's not being honest with me and I can feel it. I thought about hiring a PI to find out the truth but decided not to waste 500 dollars. Because if he is lying to me, what am I really going to do with the information? It will only make me insane. I am just so hurt. I can only hope that the pain lessens. Right now it is unbearable. He never called me back but only sent a text message - We need time apart. So I will try hard to just leave him alone and maybe I can one day forget my feelings for him. I jsut don't know how. He told me we were going to get engaged this summer. I am so confused. I dont know if my story makes sense. Sorry for rambling.

Thanks,
Ivy

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 10:48pm

i just wanted to offer my support. You are really a strong woman and you are making strides toward the life you deserve. Today is only the first day past the "deadline" but we will be here for you :) He obviously does NOT care about you as much as he had you believe. i'm sorry he lead you down the road of deception....but i know you will make it through okay.

hugs,
jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 11:21pm

IVY

If this butt head shows up with anything short of a DIVORCE DECREE in his had I suggest you tell him to take a long walk on a short dock.

If he shows up again he needs to EARN YOUR TRUST it is not something you should be giving to a person that has proven there willingness to lie cheat and manipulate the women in his life.

As for the anger as long as you do not let it become bitterness you can use it as a tool to help you deal with his games.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 4:53am
well...hiring a PI will reveal the truth. Truth can eventually set you free. Its the confusion and the unknown that is bugging you. Unasnwered questions can either lead one to fantasize the answer and keep one holding on, or solidify the truth so that one can make an honest decision for themselves whether the truth is a good reassurance or a bad outcome.
Clarity, wisdom, and strength to you ::hugs:
Lizzie