How do you grieve?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
How do you grieve?
19
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 4:54pm
I've been playing around with this issue in my head for the last few weeks. How do you grieve the end of an A? It's not the sort of thing you can actually talk to people about. I don't know about any of you, but I didn't have any closure, just kind of walked away one day. I can't bring myself to get teary about it at home in front of DH because he doesn't need that. I don't know what to do with all these emotions!!!!

I know from past losses that if you don't fully grieve, it will come back to haunt you and you may never fully recover. I just don't know where to PUT these feelings! I've tried journaling but am afraid to put anything on paper because I have very little privacy in my home (two kids, people always in and out of my bedroom, including H). There are some songs that remind me of him; I've thought about buying those cds and just listening to them and crying it all out. I don't know. Does anyone have any thoughts on how to grieve this loss???

Thanks for sharing whatever has worked for you. Love, Maureen

mo 7-18-10

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 5:05pm
I have just ended a 5 year A, and its hard. I also don't know where to begin. It's hard at home to grieve in private. Its also hard to keep this all inside. I am new here and would also welcome advice on this. As others here, I am in pain and have a constant ache for him. How do we grieve the loss of this love? Something that was there everyday for 5 years.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 5:05pm
Not being able to talk about it was SO hard for me. At times I felt almost glad that I'd lost my job at the same time so I could use that as an excuse to friends and family to explain why I was so sad. I did have one friend that knew...I don't know how I would have gotten through it without her. I even called her once at 2 a.m. and she listed to me cry from at least an hour. Now that's a good friend!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 5:08pm
You are so lucky to have a friend like that. It is so hard to sit here and suffer in silence.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 5:17pm
And that my friends is why I think a "live" support group would be great! A little uncomfortable at first perhaps but nontheless in concept I think it would be so helpful to sit w/ people who understand you where you can cry, laugh, get angry...whatever emotion we are going through. So I suggest you all come to NY.

Easier said then done. I know, I know.

I do believe that everyone grieves differently. As you can see sarcasm and a sense of humor is my way of shielding the pain I am feeling. Not the solution. Temporary perhaps but not permanent.

I think like anything it will just take time. I think we will all recover but I think for most or maybe just myself I will carry this w/ me forever. Not with the same emotion that I feel today but the memories will always be there. He played a very special part in my life and as much as I would love to forget it (not because I regret what we shared) but more to ease the pain, the reality is that I will never forget him

I dont think anything I am saying is making sense today. Sorry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 5:32pm


Hi,

Trust that you are not alone. I just started on this board and it is the only thing right now that gives me any piece of mind (if that's possible right now). I just broke off a 3 1/2 year A with a MM that I know in my heart (and I've said this in another post)is my "missing puzzle piece". Words will never do justice to convey the love and the beauty brought to my life with this man.

The break-up was on Monday and it's been 2 days of NC. I am getting a D tomorrow from an abusive marriage and have been grieving that as well (although that seems far easier to grieve for). I chose the break-up because MM either isn't willing or can't bring himself to leave his W. I deserve better than being second best. Anyway, there is not a set of rules to heal but just to go through it as best you can. Do things that bring you peace and happiness. Cry when you have to (which I know is hard when H is around), even if that means going into the bathroom (take a shower to hide the crying)and let it out there. If you do journal and worry about privacy, find the time to write and then rip up the paper afterwards. At least you got your feelings OUT of your mind for the time being. Just be good to yourself, don't beat yourself up about anything and by all means keep your pride and self-respect. I know I should practice what I preach and I really am trying but I also know I need to not "get over this", because I feel that is not possible, BUT I will go THROUGH it because I will come out a stronger person and will walk this life with the most beautiful life lessons and the most beautiful love that I have encountered in this lifetime. Take Care and we are all here.

MidnightBlue

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 5:37pm
Or keep your journal in your briefcase...in our house, there is no excuse for going through someone elses bags (or drawers, for that matter) without permission. Although xMMs wife did go through his briefcase looking for...actually I'm not sure what she was looking for.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 5:42pm
startingnew,

I'm a little confused to your post. I am in agreement with you about privacy. There is no excuse to go through anyone's things. I have had to in the past because of my A rip up journal writing for fear of it being found. It was important enough for me to write out my feelings so they wouldn't get bottled up and then I would destroy what I wrote because finding my writing would have been awful.

MidnightBlue

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 5:54pm
I merely meant that I use my briefcase as a safe hiding place for things I don't want to be discovered. I was just giving an alternative to ripping a journal up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 6:09pm
startingnew


Oh, sorry about that. I never rip up my journal, just the pages I wrote. I don't have to do that anymore, but it's just a thought if privacy is an issue.

MidnightBlue

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 10:09pm
The over-simplified answer to your question is: Right here, babe! You can grieve right here. :)

But I do know what you mean. I think this is one reason it is harder to get over this A than it was to get over any other break-ups I ever had; and I've had my share. ;-) But it was always okay to cry on a girlfriend's shoulder about it, and it was okay to be in a bad mood because of it, you could tell people and they would understand, and they'd say the words you needed to hear, and they'd fix you up with someone new, and they'd help you drown your sorrows in chocolate, and eventually it would all be okay.

Thank goodness for this board, because it's the closest thing I have to that, and that's what has gotten me through.

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