How do you grieve?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
How do you grieve?
19
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 4:54pm
I've been playing around with this issue in my head for the last few weeks. How do you grieve the end of an A? It's not the sort of thing you can actually talk to people about. I don't know about any of you, but I didn't have any closure, just kind of walked away one day. I can't bring myself to get teary about it at home in front of DH because he doesn't need that. I don't know what to do with all these emotions!!!!

I know from past losses that if you don't fully grieve, it will come back to haunt you and you may never fully recover. I just don't know where to PUT these feelings! I've tried journaling but am afraid to put anything on paper because I have very little privacy in my home (two kids, people always in and out of my bedroom, including H). There are some songs that remind me of him; I've thought about buying those cds and just listening to them and crying it all out. I don't know. Does anyone have any thoughts on how to grieve this loss???

Thanks for sharing whatever has worked for you. Love, Maureen

mo 7-18-10

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 9:50am
Please do not apologize for thinking nothing you said made sense. First off it did make sense...and second when you are grieving (or trying to) anything is okay.

I feel the same way..that I will carry this with me forever. He broke it off at one point almost 6 months ago and I began counseling but the pain never really seemed to get better. I just sort of stuffed it and pretended. Then 2 months later he emailed me and we began talking again. We were best friends for almost 2 years...sharing things with each other that we could not share with others. he could not share things with his W because she is so closed off from him in every way and I basically have no support system so it was the 2 of us against the world. And then our worlds fell apart. I betrayed him horribly without meaning to and now he will not speak to me and I do not know how to begin the grieving process at all. I have one friend who sort of knew what was going on andtried to talk to her but she has nothing but bad things to say about him and I won't listen to that. He is a good man going through a rough time and I am the one who screwed up the friendship that we had. I have tried all the usual methods of going on. Keeping myself busy....working out...volunteering...I have emailed him begging him to forgive me. ..nothing works and I am heartbroken. How do you go on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 6:12pm
For me what I do to channel some of my built up feelings I keep a journal on-line however, once I'm done writing what I need to write for that day I save it on floppy disc, this way there is no record of it within the computer for anyone else to view. But it helps me when I'm feeling really down or confused to read back through all of the ups and downs. Just a suggestion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 11:51pm
Praying to God to guide me to the right path and asking His forgiveness for anything wrong I did (I had an emotional affair but nonetheless it constitutes adultery).

It has helped immensely.

I know it sounds very simplistic but for those who are religious it works if you truly believe.

PG

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 12:03pm
The grieving process sucks in a situation like this. I had one good friend who really understood and I trusted, I had a great therapist, my priest and this board. DONT JOURNAL! something like that getting into the wrong hands can be devastating!!! Other than talking about it to someone you trust there is no way to rush the grieving process other than just let it run its course. I lost weight, felt sick all the time, (didn't cry as much as I thought I should) prayed, used diversion to try and get past it all. I kept counting my blessings and reminded myself that something could happen that could be so much worse, like God forbid something happening to my parents or my children. I had to keep reminding myself that even though I did a bad thing I didn't deserve to feel the pain. There are stages to grieving and I can't tell you offhand what they are but I did go thru stages..in fact at times I still feel like i'm grieving but it is not as pronounced or blatant.

Just know that you aren't the first woman to go through this, and you are going to be okay.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2003
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 1:49pm
Hi Dips, I was reading your post and thought about what a great idea it would be to have a live support group. I live in NY, where in NY are you?

Puggy

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 5:11pm
just remember everyone, anything written is evidence and admissable in court. If you are in an ugly custody battle you don't want written proof availabe for the whole world to see.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 9:11pm
Hi Midnight Blue- I too think my relationship with OM is over. Happened today when we both said that perhaps we have gone too far to be able to remain friends. It all started with a stupid comment he made yesterday in jest. I reacted angrily and voiced my frustrations at the fact that we were supposed to be close, yet he seemed to lash out. He responded right away with I guess the best email he could give me to apologize. We spoke today at length and he again said he would change. I never told him I was in love with him, and he never said anything overly deep to me about his feelings. Then I asked if we shouldn't just stop our lunches- he said we could cut back to 3 times per week, by the end of the day it was once in a while. He did claim that he enjoyed my company and would miss our lunches, yet he obviously didn't care enough. I have been crying since I got home from work. There will be no more anything. I feel like a louse for getting involved. I feel like a bigger idiot for falling for him. We were supposed to be open, yet he never admitted anything.

How are you supposed to grieve? You probably should tell yourself all the reasons why the relationship is wrong and unhealthy. You probably should visualize the relationship you should be in and compare to see this one's faults. You should be gentle with yourself and know that you deserve better. You should want better for yourself and convince yourself that you deserve it. As for me, I am still at the crying phase. I am also at the self-pity stage- I love with my whole being- this is not at all fair. I feel like a big open wound. I can't believe this relationship that really only amounted to lunches at work and sustained me through a break up is over. I can't believe it is finally over. Sad hours seem long...

Snap.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 12:07pm
Thank you all so much for your thoughts. I'm still struggling, some days more than others. I can't say its getting much easier, and it will be 2 months since we broke up on Wednesday. Actually, sometimes its okay, and sometimes it hurts like a you-know-what. On the upside, my relationship with my DH is getting better and better and we're establishing some real boundaries and intimacy again, which is a real blessing. I'm trying to shift my focus on to how blessed I am that H stayed around to pick up the pieces and clear my head of all the illusions I created about H to justify ending the marriage to be with OMM. Somedays I feel sicker than others. Thanks to you all!

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 8:50pm
Snapdragon,


It doesn't matter if it was just lunches or a full blown relationship like mine was, it still hurts because he filled something inside you that you needed and gave you comfort, so of course you will grieve.

When I posted before about journal writing, it is just ONE method of helping in the grieving process and yes it is a process that has 5 stages ( 1: Denial 2: Anger 3: Bargaining 4:Depression and 5: Acceptance ). The stages do not always go in order and sometimes a person may go back and forth through the stages until one finds acceptance and can move on without it hurting as much as it did in the beginning. There is no time limit and taking care of yourself is of the utmost importance.

Whatever finds comfort for you then do it. Just don't indulge in destructive behaviors that will make you feel worse than you already do. I have been away in NY for 3 days and when I checked my email there was a message from my MM and all I wanted to do was read it, BUT I didn't because then I know I would write back. I feel lonely, sad, empty and emotionally spent. I am officially divorced now and I am at the point that the only person I have time for is myself and I can't see myself giving to any man right now, just me.

I know I'm babbling and I thank you for listening to me, I just hope you are gentle with yourself and take one day and one thing at a time. I'm glad there is a place like this board to go to, I don't feel so alone anymore.

MidnightBlue

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