How do you hide your grief from H/W??

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
How do you hide your grief from H/W??
8
Sun, 01-30-2005 - 1:54pm

WHen MM and I broke up last week, I was really devastated. I was inconsolable, even though I knew it had to end. There is a natural grief taht occurs. And I couldn't stop crying. And I am sure that there will be more times in the near-future when this happens. My T does not think it is in my best interets (or my H's) to tell of the A.

I came home from T the other night in tears, and I just told H that I was "working through seom deep childhood stuff," he was so sweet about it and actually held me as I cried. And here I was being consoled by my H as I am crying over another man. That felt like a worse betrayal the IC with OM! I felt afraid as the week progressed, because my grisf is still there, and it is nearly impossible to hide it from my H. I just keep telling him it is deep T stuff.

Have any of you guys gone through this? How do you handle grieving such an enormous loss while at the same time trying to keep it from your H/W?

This is a part of the A that I wasn't expecting to deal with. I thought that when I was ready to end the A, it wouldn't be as painful as this because I would be ready. But it isn't going down the way I'd expected it to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Sun, 01-30-2005 - 3:45pm
Oh, this happened to me last week and God help me I saw him again this weekend and I am a wreck. I hope it gets easier for you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Sun, 01-30-2005 - 4:59pm

I think this is an issue whether you do or do not tell your H/W. If you haven't confessed, they are puzzled over your grief; if you have confessed, they sure won't want to see you crying over the OP.

You are right, it is a very real grief you are feeling. It is normal. You do have to cry, and you do have to mourn, but for your spouse's sake try to find a way to mourn in private, and put on a happy face for him whenever possible! Smiling on the outside also helps you to heal and feel better on the inside!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Sun, 01-30-2005 - 8:51pm

I also had a very difficult time dealing with my emotions in front of my H. He noticed that things were not right with me and showed a lot of concern.

I blamed it on hormonal issues and being overwhelmed with work/school stuff. It got much better after about 4 weeks.

Hang in there, like everyone who's been through it says....it really does get better!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Sun, 01-30-2005 - 9:08pm

Hi Loves,

I've seen you on several boards and I am glad to see you've finally ended your affair. Although it doesn't feel like anything to celebrate right now, you have done something amazing and deserve congratulations.

Its perfectly natural to grieve at the end of any relationship, and I can only imagine how hard it must be to not be able to grieve as one normally would, considering you have a husband at home who must surely br concerned for you.

I just have a couple questions, that may help you speed up your process. I know that once I answered these for myself, I felt better in just days.

What exactly are you grieving for with the breakup of your affair?

How do you feel your life will be changed, negatively, by the ending of this relationship?

I wish you a quick healing, honey, because I know its hard. But the longer you grieve, the longer you are still out of your marriage. You have a man there that is 100% yours and needs 100% of you, as long as you are still holding on to something that never was, you are not grabbing ahold of something that can be, and should be, beautiful.

Hugs to you Loves!!!!

Meez 3D avatar avatars games

"When I meet a man, I ask myself 'Is t

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Sun, 01-30-2005 - 9:55pm

Hey Loves

I am lucky (or unlucky) b/c H is away a lot. But when he is here and need a moment a go into the bathroom. The first week i spent time in the shower when I needed to cry. I just move around a lot within my house. It is better though. I actually try cuddlign up to H which helps too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 10:11am
I've had serious bouts of depression over the years, along with many recent hormonal flucuations due to medication, so my moods are easily explained. I've also become a very good liar, as most of us have, which is why I think many of us can explain away much of our 'moods' or whatever else we have to at the time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 11:53am

Dear Hurtpup,

I am a hurt pup right now too. I have had NC with my OM for almost a week now. He is currently on a tropical vacation with his wife and kids for two weeks so my grieving has been really difficult knowing he is swimming in the warm waters of the Carribean etc. But I also know it is a great transition time to start the NC. He does not want to end it and says we will one day be married but....after reading and doing a lot of work (and having a loving H, such as yourself) I realize this is all talk if he has decidied to spend this much time with his wife. I also do not want to be involved in an A. Like you, I see it is not a correct relationship on so many levels.

I also visit the Marriagebuilders web site. They recommend antidepressents to get you through the hard part. I think that is wise advice. You do not have to stay on them forever just for the healing time. That with the advice of smiling and acting happy (even if you feel like s#*t) and keeping busy, working out, all that stuff. It is hard and I too am trying to scrape myself up from the floor. It is just one day at a time. Every time I resist the urge to call or email my other man I feel stronger and I take pride in that too.

I am also going to ask my H to be around more for me. I need him right now and I am not afraid to ask - the only problem (like you) is that my H has a demanding job and he feels he is already compromising his hours and if he does so any more it will jepordize his job.

Good luck. I wish you strength and courage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 1:22pm

Believe..
I've been on anti-depressants for several years for reasons other than depression, but I do think to some degree, it helps keep me functional when I am going through a rough spot. If your moods are such that it is effecting your everyday existance, than there's no harm in getting part of the help you need from them.

Just be clear what anti-depressants will NOT do. They will not make the pain you are feeling go away, they will not help you to stop missing him, they will not make the process of letting go ANY EASIER. Those things are things YOU must do on your own. The drug will ease the intensity somewhat of your low mood, but that is it. Also, they take a while before you notice the effects of them. So don't expect miracles with just one pill.

I've done the usual keeping myself busy also, and it's extremely helpful. Me and H have been going out alot with friends, and making some plans for vacations and some short trips with them as well. Gives me more to look forward to. I feel the more people I am around and the more I LET myself have a good time, the less I am distracted by imposing thoughts of my XMM.