how do you know when to end it
Find a Conversation
how do you know when to end it
| Wed, 12-22-2004 - 11:06pm |
Hi all,
I am in the process of trying to decide once and for all if I should end things with my MM. I have been seeing him for a year and half now, and I just don't know if it is going anywhere or not. I am getting tired of being second in his life. Tired of the roller coaster ride. Tired of everything. But I still love him and don't want to give up the dream of being with him someday. How did any of you come to terms with ending things? How did you know it was time?
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciate. Thank you.
I am in the process of trying to decide once and for all if I should end things with my MM. I have been seeing him for a year and half now, and I just don't know if it is going anywhere or not. I am getting tired of being second in his life. Tired of the roller coaster ride. Tired of everything. But I still love him and don't want to give up the dream of being with him someday. How did any of you come to terms with ending things? How did you know it was time?
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciate. Thank you.

Pages
"i am scared to confront him with the statement...leave her, or we are over."
I think the worst thing you could do is to say this to him.
I agree with Love, I wouldn't give him an ultimatum either. I have told mine a couple times, make a decision by such and such date or we need to stop seeing each other, and it never did anything. he never had a decision. He jsut said he needed to make the decision on his own timeline. Which I now understand and agree with.
HOWEVER, how long do I put my own life on hold while I wait for him to make a decision?
I have so many mixed emotions. I know I deserve more in my life than stolen moments. I want more. I want more now.
I have been composing different things to say to him in my head. I haven't come up with exactly what I want to say, and I don't know when exactly I will tell him. I just know I need to do something for myself for a change. I have noticed that on the days he doesn't contact me and I'm not thinking about all the drama associated with being with him, I have felt a little happier. Maybe over time, I will continue to feel more happy.
I don't know.
Or I could feel like I can't live without him.
I'm very torn.
Also very frustrated.
The next talk we have, I won't be giving him an ultimatum. I will tell him that I need more in my life than a few stolen moments. That I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I don't want to have an A with him anymore. That when he is ready, when he is D, when he has made that final step, we can be free to pursue a R. That I just can't be with him while he is still M.
I hope that doesn't sound like an ultimatum. Does it?
I don't want to sound like I am telling him, it's her or me. I just want to tell him that I want him, but not like this anymore. Does that make sense?
Jazzdiva
I guess I can either stand still and have the stolen moments that I have, not seeing anyone else, and not freeing myself up to find something more complete.
Or I can take a chance. He may finally leave and we can get together fully. Or he may stay which will leave me to find someone else who can fulfill my needs completely.
Hi,
I hope you don't mind me jumping in, but I can feel exactly what you are feeling. I too have been sitting on the side waiting for a year and a half. MM swears when the "time" is right he will leave. He says he has to make things right for his kids first.
A little background, he moved down here last year, we met, the W and kids moved down last January. They had to sell their farm up north, now they are building a house. She left last Sunday to visit family and then he flew up Thursday night, so we had 4 days together (even thought he had to work during the day), we talked a lot and he was talking about finishing the house, putting a pool in, and getting new furniture, etc., and how he didn't think he would have enough money to have it 100% paid for. I did a lot of listening and I can see at least another year that he already has his life planned out and it's not with me, it's with his family.
I too am scared to death to talk to him about his because when I try he has a way of talking me out of ending things. I just know I can't go through this up and down thing for another year or more. I worse part for me is that I have never loved anyone like I do him. I have been divorced for 3 years and work out of my home so I don't get out much to meet other people and I hate being alone. I just feel like I am not really a part of his life, I'm hidden from all his friends and family. My friends and kids all know him and many have even said he is great for me. They tell me how I've changed and grown, so much in the past year. But is the pain I have everyday worth it? I just don't think it is. Love should make a person happy, not sad.
Background on my situation: We have been in the A for a year and a half now. It first started as an emotional A. It went on for months like that then turned physical. Soon after it turned physical, we told both of our spouses. We really felt like we wanted to be together. He told me straight out he was leaving her and we would be together. That was last summer. I guess we were both sort of waiting on the other to make the first move. Then he decided he needed to try and work things out for his kid's sake. We backed off for awhile, then started things up again. Then he decided he needed to stop again and try again for his kid's sake. I don't think he ever really tried. We both went to MC with our spouses. I ended up getting a D. Me and MM have been going on strong again for the past six months. He hasn't made his decision one way or another yet, but he stopped wearing his ring, which he swears doesn't mean anything, but I don't know if I believe him because he never took it off before.
So here is where I sit now. Waiting for him to make a decision. I have grown frustrated because he has shut down on me, he doesn't like to open up about his feelings or talk about the situation much and what he wants. He says he is so torn he just has to shut down from everyone. It just gets hard always being second in his life. I want so much more from him and have been waiting so long to get it.
I have only been in a long term R with this MM and my xH ever. I M my high school sweatheart so I haven't really dated. I don't know any single guys either and don't know if I would ever find one. I love this MM so much I feel like I don't want anyone else.
I also feel like I have lost my self respect, I have lost my sense of self worth. I want to get that back.
Your right, love should be more happy than sad. I want to be number one in this man's life, well, at least right behind his kid's, his kid's should come first. I don't want to be the OW anymore. I want so much more from him.
Good luck to you. If you find the answers, let me know. I could sure use some help!
Hiya Unhappy,
<<>>
Well, for a start, your choice of user/login name kinda gives me a big clue that it might be a matter of `all the good is gone' as Bria might say....
The other clue would be in asking questions like:- "How do you know when to end it?"
Some questions for you:-
What is it about this man that helps you to feel good about yourself?
What's stopping you from ending it?
What is the likelihood that he's going to suddenly & miraculously transform into the man you want him to be? Are you afraid you might miss it if this miracle does happen?
If things never got any better nor any worse than they are right this moment, would you be happy to settle for the relationship you have with him right now?
What's the best/worst case scenarios for ending/continuing the affair?
Is the worst case scenario tolerable?
What do YOU need to do in order to achieve the best case scenario?
If you and a much-loved friend or little sister were in your shoes, posting here, what advice would you give her? And why don't you love yourself enough to take the advice you'd give someone you love?
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
Were these questions to answer for myself or did you want to know the answers?
Hi again,
Let you know if I find the answers???? LOL I'm not the right person to ask for answers, that's what I'm hoping to find. I seem to do ok when I don't hear from him but I haven't been able to concor the "not answering the phone or door" yet.
A friend of mine did a website for this psychic the first of the year and just for fun I told her I wanted to talk to him. He called and knew everything about me and MM. Even knew details about Wife. So, I had to ask myself, did my friend tell him enough details about me or is he really that good? So, I had him talk to a 2nd friend of mine, that way I knew he had no background on her situation and he was able to tell her all about her life and what to expect from her boyfriend. Since then, he has spoken with numerous friends of mine and for the past 8 months we have been tracking what he says and yes he seems to be that good.
Well, now the bad part, he has told me from day one that I will end up with MM but not until I end things with him and find someone else, then MM will think he has lost me and will make a move. Then he said I will be torn as to what I want (can't imagine that at this point) but in the end I will choose MM (who will no longer be married). I just keep hoping we can skip the middle guy but it doesn't look that way since MM can't seem to walk away from his life.
So, my problem is I want this BS to end so I can have a normal life and "be happy" all the time, not just for a few minutes at a time. But according to this psychic guy, to do that I have to end things and find someone else. It's so messed up.
~alone
<>
Unhappy, I had been in an affair for 2.5 years and believe me the roller coaster ride.. well it never seemed to end. Just when I felt that it was levelling out it would start all over again.
Eventually you begin to wonder why you are still on the ride, and not getting any thrills from it. As you wrote, the dream of being with him someday will keep you going through all the ups and downs, but eventually you will want to get off. Just the fact that you are asking yourself whether you should end it or not means you are having second thoughts bigtime about the A.
For me ending it meant geting my self esteem back, feeling a sense of relief like many others here on the board. As a friend here on the board mentioned, you need a man who can be 100% yours.
Hope you can make the right decision. Take care
Trish
Pages