how do you know when to end it

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
how do you know when to end it
34
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 11:06pm
Hi all,
I am in the process of trying to decide once and for all if I should end things with my MM. I have been seeing him for a year and half now, and I just don't know if it is going anywhere or not. I am getting tired of being second in his life. Tired of the roller coaster ride. Tired of everything. But I still love him and don't want to give up the dream of being with him someday. How did any of you come to terms with ending things? How did you know it was time?
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciate. Thank you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Mon, 12-27-2004 - 4:27am
over and over the answer seems to be: when you hit bottom and don't want any more pain or your respect for yourself is compromised to the point of intolerable. (same thing?) I wouldn't let it get to the total pathetic for me...almost but not quite lol...I looked at all the signs thrown at me however...Ive gotten my confirmation after a month of changing attitude from him (there were signs thrown at me...I was AWARE and CURIOUS enough to see them...BRAVE enough to face them. Bottom line...I don't like anyone thinking i am stupid (this is my defense mechanism in life). I also didn't go into this thinking it was "ok". That helped. I said when I first met him " i don't want to be with a married man because how could i expect to be treated with respect and honesty if I am not acting that way...I want a man to respect me". Then he seduced me and I went willingly. Never got over the guilt of betraying...MYSELF and compromising my integrity and thinking I could expect to be the difference in his life. I am the difference I am finding out...I made him think...I was probably the first of his long line of affairs (i found out) that made him THINK about all this, coupled with his cross-roads of his life time. Unfortunately I made him a better man...but he is too freaked out by the fact that I "know" him inside and out and he wants a clean slate i think after his divorce. Some people can't handle that they are truly known...think the "friend" thing is not what a relationship is...and He cannot handle that I " am the only person on the planet who knows everything about him"and think of me as someone to have as a prospective love. He cannot couple that together. He met someone after me that he wants me to meet LOL "I dont want to hide you anymore". Ummm...let her be the transition woman, I say. So its over for me. Perhaps when he can truly be alone like he needs to be...for the first time in his life...that he says he wants to be (um hello..lose the new girl that you replaced me with...perhaps if he is ever alone for any time at all....I'll be rewarded by his clarity. Until then...I will float alone...not going to be anyone's best friend or change anyone...I will love him from afar without him knowing. I will love myself even more because I should and I can...be proud of myself. The timeline is different for all of us.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Mon, 12-27-2004 - 6:17am

Hi Unhappy,

This sounds exactly like me before my last letter to xOM ( where I broke it off ). I used to just let it lag on and on and on, knowing he would never change, each time getting more and more frustrated with the situation, but not wanting to let go.

I have broken up and got back with my xOM about 6 times, to mention the least, over 2 years. That is really pathetic dont u think??

I somehow made it to these boards last month..I am not too old here either, pretty new.. I was definitely looking for help though and subconsciously while browsing probably looked for a way out of the situation I had got myself into..and I do not regret it, infact its made me a whole new person, I feel stronger and good about myself.. and most importantly, I do not feel alone.

Just talking to others here, getting their full support as well as a good talking to when I need it :-) is enough.. during this phase we tend to wilt, and cave in and thats when we need the support most of all

So hang in there, and remember, you can still get that self esteem out of wherever you said its landed..I did and I feel great about myself.

Wish you the best in your decision
Trish

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Mon, 12-27-2004 - 10:29am

Good Morning,

You dont know if it will ever be right. But you just have to say enough is enough and brace yourself for the storm. When you walk away from someone you love so much it hurts like hell. But YOU DO GET THROUGH IT. It took me months and months and I have finally reached that point where I am happy and smiling again. MY AFFAIR LASTED 3.5 YEARS... TOO LONG. It is a process and if you do things the right way , cut off all types of contact and focus on the positive you will be ok. It is easier said than done. I had a couple of set backs but I just refused to give up on myself, Not to mention feeling cheap all the time. I feel at peace. I know you will to. Keep in touch with this board the people an here where great with me, I am sure they will be with you.

Good Luck
Ladybug

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 12-27-2004 - 10:50am

"How did you know it was time?"


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