How do you let go and move on???
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 02-18-2011 - 1:04pm |
I used to post on these boards many many years ago and I wished I didn't have to come back here again after so many years. But like any one of us in an A, it's some sick game that we can't get out of.
I am ashamed to admit, I should have ended my A a long time ago, and I really don't want anyone jumping down my throat here why I didn't than, when we have all been there, done that and so we know that it's a vicious, addicting rollercoaster.
I have lost count as to how many times either he has ended the A, or I did. The longest NC we made it thru was 5 months and thanks to me I broke that. And to be honest, I didn't feel any better after 5 months either. I thought if I made it that far I can keep going, but all that time I was depressed and sad.
Yes, I have asked myself "WHY???" a million times. I even made a list of the good vs. bad when I was with him, and why I would want to keep going back if he treated me like s**t.
I am also in therapy now and in the past I went for 6 months straight, then it got expensive so I had to take a break from it. It helped, but like Charlie Sheen and LiLo we all can fall off the wagon again and again. Some of us have the addiction more than others!
Someone can say to me "S**t or get off the pot" and it's that easy, yet we are all wired differently. My shrink is also trying to figure out what makes me still pick up the phone to call xMM from time to time (after hours though when I know his cell is off).
Each time the A "ends" for a few weeks I am "OK", but than my weakness takes over.
Yes, I have also started hobbies, even joined social groups online, trying to hang with friends, etc.
I am also aware that every time I do make the contact, it's a 50-50% chance that he will either text me right back, or reject me like the plague.
I admit, he has me trained well. He knows how to push my buttons, and he knows he doesn't even have to lift a finger, because the good doggie that I am, I will make the effort for him. He doesn't even have to break NC because he KNOWS I will do that too.
But, that's exactly it. I have read thousands and thousands of stories about A's and they pretty much are all the same, except with different people, but the stories are always the same. It ends, and then we go back again. I am not the only one.

And welcome.
You have written much that I would like to comment on, but I can feel your fragility, and know that what you need perhaps right now, is to know that ending an affair - ONCE AND FOR ALL is possible.
And yes, life after the toxins of an affair are gone, is incredible. But like anything in Life, the effort put in will translate into the result you get out.
As you've figured out, going NC is just the beginning of the ending process. I am so relieved to hear that you are working with a therapist.
And really, to really move on, is to find the courage to face the harsh realities of your affair, and then to continue to do the work DEEP within ourselves to understand why self-harming behaviors (instead of self-love) is what makes us feel safe. Having affairs aren't rational decisions - they are made from places of wounding, unresolved hurts and fears.
"But like any one of us in an A, it's some sick game that we can't get out of."
You know that it is possible to get out of an affair. For good. That's who this board is comprised of: people who have successfully ended their affairs and maintained a commitment to NC with xAP, and to never engage in an affair again.
MANY of us have had very difficult journeys to reach this place - including DDays, divorce & separation, job losses etc ... NO ONE gets a free ride out of an affair. EVERY ONE of us has had to work through the pain of the withdrawl. As you've said we HAVE been there DONE that. Past tense.
Some of us have tripped and made choices to have contact again ... however, dusting oneself off and committing to the process is all we ask of one another.
So, there is no judgment of you - but of your choices.
I hope you will stay here, and read as much as you can. Venting is sometimes in order; however the actions you take to end your affair are going to be what makes the difference.
With care,
TU.
Hello Luv,
So sorry that you are hurting and going through this pain.
Thank you BOTH for your valued replies! I truly appreciate it. I forgot to mention that my A ended 4 weeks ago, so it's been total NC on HIS part, although I did get one Restricted call about a week ago and it only rang once. I can only assume it was "him". While I have him blocked, but he can still make a call from a different phone, but it would mean he would have to make an effort and he was always too selfish for that.
I am dealing with a lot of anger and hurt inside. I know I am not the victim and I don't want anyone to even think that I am looking for any pats on the back either. No way!
If I didn't want help, I wouldn't be going to the shrink every week now, even though I can barely afford it (with insurance and all).
And I had to find a shrink after a dozen I went to see in the past who can finally understand what I am going thru instead of judging me. He helped me a lot, especially last year when I was on total NC with xMM for 3 months.
But I am still too damn weak to say NO, or not cave.
It's all a long process.
I also can't understand why I wasted my life on this, 7 years, with xMM when all the red flags were there and yes, I have gone thru many of the consequences with him and the last little "present" he gave me was HPV. That was an obvious giveaway that there were probably other women he was seeing besides me.
I always thought it was about the booty call, then I made up excuses that he "loved" me or else the A wouldn't have lasted this long. All just illusions.
There have been many useful things I read on these boards in the past and of course I should have learned from them. But now looking back at it, I do thank them, even those responses that were a little harsh.
Thanks again for your responses!!!!