How do you make things work???

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
How do you make things work???
12
Sun, 02-27-2005 - 1:25pm

Oh what I wouldn't do to be turn on by my dh way my xmm has turn me on. Why is it that it isn't possible? Why do i feel nothing towards my dh, is it because I'm his wife and the mother of his children, is it not possible to be passionate about someone that you share all that with? I try during the day to think of things, to make me awnt him and than he walks in and it all goes away. I'm not sure our marriage will work, I'm not sure I want it too work but in the same breath I SO want it to work. But he does nothing for me, nothing. God how depressing life really is, does it have to be this way??!!

m~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Sun, 02-27-2005 - 3:36pm

Deleted

GG




Edited 2/14/2006 8:57 am ET by ggkali
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Sun, 02-27-2005 - 3:52pm

In the same boat here, too. I have known since our wedding night that I probably shouldn't have married H. I have never felt the passion with him...ever. Oh, we did have the physical relationship but it was never fulfilling to me and as the years passed it became more and more a "duty" to fulfill on my part. My standard mantra was "ok, if you hurry up and get it over with..." Awful, but it has been that was all 14 years.

Enter MM...or should I say XMM. Blew my socks off. I NEVER knew it could be like that. There were other issues in my M, things like manipulation and control and borderline emotional abuse, although I know he loves me deeply. I believe that those things directly affect the physical side.

Like you, I SO want it to work. It would be best for everyone involved, especially the kids. But no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, IT just isn't there. And this isn't a case of "I lost IT" when I started up w/ MM. IT was never there. Now that I know IT exists, it is doubly hard to make it work.

I guess I haven't given you any advice but wanted you to know you aren't alone. I am trying to come to grips with either settling or getting peace about getting a D and moving on. Not really fair to H or myself to feel that I am settling and not happy.

Hang in there!
Billie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 9:34am

Hi Bliie, thanks for the post, i didn't need advice I just needed to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way. I hate that my xMM can turn me on so much and yet my husband touches me and I'm ready to crawl into bed and sleep. I'm just so sadden by it all, what has become of my marriage? I can't believe I had an A, just can't believe it but you know what I don't regret it and would I do it again, maybe I don't know? I just want to figure out what I'm doing and just go with it. I miss xMM it's only been 'X' for one offical day, we both knew it was coming but just not when. I'm just not sure of anything anymore and that i hate :(

M~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2004
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 9:42am

I'm going through the same thing. Some days I just don't know how I can live without the passion and just plain great sex my MM and I had. Before my A, I didn’t know things could even be this way. And now, I feel like I’ve shut half of myself off again.

I'm so sad these days, I have a hard time even getting out of bed. I try so hard to stop thinking about my MM, but he and I experienced things together that we'd never felt before - the incredible intimacy and sense of total acceptance. The same feelings just aren’t there for my H. They haven’t been in so long.

I don’t want to hurt my family anymore than I already have, and neither does my MM. But, I’m having such a hard time getting on with my life without MM and what we had. I am trying to work on my M, but I still don’t feel what I should feel for my H. I don’t know if I ever will.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm just trying to get through each day as best I can.

NewSummer

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2005
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 12:05pm

GG,

I think one of the biggest reasons why u dont feel the same way about ur H the same way as MM is becos of the excitemnt caused by secrecy if ur A is a secret from ur H and many others. It is nothing special that this MM has thats pushing ur buttons.

very

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 12:38pm
Hey M! I understand what you're saying, and have experienced the same thing to a degree in my own reconciliation. But isn't there so much more to marriage than being turned on? A's are all about that. Marriage is the real thing. I'm not sure it's possible to be turned on by a man who I've shared so much "unsexy" stuff with; i.e. stomach virus, kids, childbirth, etc. You know the kind of stuff I mean. Although I didn't see it during my A with a XMM who was always clean shaven and smelled awesome, it's totally unrealistic to be turned on by perfection. Try to remember that the man you're trying to be intimate with has done some wonderful things for you. Making love is about communicating your love for another person. It's not about being turned on. JMHO, and it may not be a popular one! Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 2:49pm

Count me in on this too..you are not alone when it comes to feelings that are lacking for your H.

<<>>

DITTO! I was perfectly content not have earth-moving passion with my H, because I didn't know what that felt like. If you don't know what you are missing, you don't miss it. But then I found my "sexual soulmate" and was in-love with him to boot..so the intense emotional feeling coupled with someone that pushes all the right buttons in bed makes for one hell of a passionate relationship.

My H looks at me often with this sexual hunger, and was doing it last week, when I made a mention that 'you're looking at me like I'm food and you haven't eaten in a week'(said in a playful way) and I went on to do something else and I heard him say quietly "I wish you looked at me that way". My heart sank. I've been battling with the confusion over 'is he better off with me or without me'? Doesn't he deserve to be desired in the same way he desires me? We can sexually satisfy each other, but the passion isn't there. I won't even kiss him or look in his eyes during sex. That says volumes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2005
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 3:06pm
I divorced my H last Aug and I'm glad I did. I loved him in so many ways but the attraction for him was gone many many years ago. I fulfilled my duty for him at times but then I started to feel aweful when I did. I talked to him about it and it hurt him b/c he's been head over heels for me since we met 15 yrs ago. Last Aug I let him go b/c I had so much guilt about keeping him around and pushing him away from me at night. It started a long time before I started the A. On every other level, he was meant to be mine but not sexually and I understand it isn't about sex all the time but it's not fair not to be desired by someone you love and they love you. He and I still talk to this day and he tells me often he's thankful I let him go. He still loves me but now his gf can't wait to jump his bones and he loves that. They connect on many other levels too so I am happy for him. I love seeing the way she looks at him, it's the way he looks at me. So for me it wasn't right to keep my H from having that. I don't regret that decision ever. It's the only thing I've done right lately.
Don't know if that can really help you or not. I don't have kids either and I know that changes things dramatically.
Goodluck
Robin
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 3:18pm

I've learned that I can live without passion. But about a year ago I didn't think I should, then realized that I have a really good husband and that's a rare find. So I didn't want to lose a man that I have grown to trust, because for me, I trust no one. But after hearing his comment about wishing I saw him 'that way', I'm not sure I'm doing him any justice by trying to fake it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2005
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 3:53pm

My heart goes out to you b/c I know it's tough. I talked to him several times about it and then finally I decided and we still talked about it for at least another month. During that month I would try snuggling with him on the couch and it just didn't feel good. Not that I didn't feel anything it felt not good. But you have to decide for you. I know good men like that are hard to find, but i'm willing to take the risk. I love him too much to hold him down like.
You're in my thoughts.
LilRocket

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