How do you make yourself...?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
How do you make yourself...?
8
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 12:46pm
I am really new to this. I posted over the weekend and you guys have already helped me with your support and I think that this site is just awesome and believe God completely led me here!

Here's my situation and what I need help with.

My life has been turned upside down ever since the flirting that I had been doing with this guy actually turned into a proposition. When it no longer was just talk, I thought about him all the time. One could say I was obsessed, or like Lily told me, it was an addiction. Thing is, he plays games (you all probably know exactly what I'm talking about). When I talked to him, I melted but seconds after I would have talked to him, I knew he was playing games...which I hated him for. Anytime I talk to him on the phone or in person, I turn into flubber. It was all games. He had the power and control and I was just the "on call" girl. The sex was horrible. He was way too aggressive for me, but he compliments me and makes me feel like an amazing and beautiful and sexy girl. This past Wednesday, I decided this was a big pile of poo and I was gonna end it. Thing is, we had a date set for that evening at his house (he's single). Knowing that it probably was not a good idea, I went to his house intending to "break up" with him. But I thought about it and prayed about and KNEW I was going to end it.

For the first time in a very, very long time, I felt like I had power again. I saw him for the real person he is (not the fantasy). He just talked and talked and talked. I almost said what I wanted to say. I did refuse his advances, but before the night was over, I was cuddling in his arms and holding hands with him and kissing him. We did not have sex, but the romance was still there. I left really proud that I didn't have sex, but really mad at myself for not "breaking his heart."

I have talked to him a few times after that night, just like normal. I can't make myself break it off. I am still thinking about him and I'm reading ya'll's posts and know that when we are apart, I am fantasizing about someone that just isn't real. I KNOW I need to break it off and have no contact. I also know that I don't really deep down want to. I want to want to, but if I can't make myself want to...I want advice from you all as to how I make myself say the words I need to say OR just have no more contact with him. (I will still have to work with him somewhat, but the personal stuff can stop.)

This may be the hardest thing I have EVER had to do. I am crying thinking of the mess that I've gotten myself into. I am grieving this relationship that needs to end. This hurts so much!!!! PLEASE say anything you think might help. You are all already helping!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 1:42pm
Oh Imperfect - I am in the same place. I KNOW what I should do and I know he isnt' "all that" like I have thought or wanted him to be. I come here LOTS and read and post and I am starting to really feel all that I am saying and reading.

I totally messed up last week and we were right back to where we had been.

I just keep coming here, reading posts about JERKS and realizing that my xOM sounds exactly the same. I also visualize him at times that he turned me off (suggestion from Lily and Mercedes).

You KNOW what is logical - and soon your mind will get you there. Go through the motions as best as you can each day and pretty soon he will dig his own grave.

I waiver daily - and each day I get closer to knowing I have to get off of this rollercoaster. For me, I am trying to figure out what I am looking for in this guy.

He isn't perfect and he hasn't even treated me the way I have wanted to be treated - but there is something there that keeps me wanting more.

My theory is that since I can't be THAT close to him I have made him into who I want him to be. I know he is not that person though. He hasn't even pretended to be wonderful! It is all me and what I am wanting right now. I'm trying to find out how to get that on my own. In the mean time I am proud of every little success I have in NOT falling into old patterns (even though I do see him often and will have coffee with him eventually).

Give it time. You are not alone here.

Your post feels a lot like what I am feeling. I'm afraid to tell him where to go! I have done it before and he CRIES! I am a total sucker for tears from a man.

I know I HAVE to end this because it could be too destructive to my life and family. That is what I am thinking most - even though I want him still. He still turns me on - and the sex has been awesome! But I picture my husband being hurt and I picture the mess I will create if I don't back off. That is my motivation more than not wanting him! His attention has been so hard NOT to crave. He really is flattering - but maybe that is what makes him good at this game of seduction. I also know that I am not his first and will not be his last. He is IT for me - no more messes like this one! This guy doesn't have any guilt! He has 2 beautiful kids and a wife who adores him (granted I don't like her!) but he doesn't even care! He just wants some slut to get off with . Hang in there! Keep coming here and something will click for you.

-Lazy
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 2:14pm
Ok, Imperfect....

I feel almost unqualified to give you advice because literally a week and a half ago I was in the exact same position you are and was going through the same spectrum of emotions. But the people here pulled me through and shared their knowlege, support, and experience. Some of this advice is because these feelings are still fresh for me, but most everything else I'm learning from those who have been there and have moved on.

"My life has been turned upside down ever since the flirting that I had been doing with this guy actually turned into a proposition. When it no longer was just talk, I thought about him all the time. One could say I was obsessed."

-That is exactly what happened to me. EXACTLY. I hadn't known a true moment of peace since the email flirting and IMing began. Until I came here and started listening to the advice I was given. I had to make the decision in my own mind and stick to it. No matter what I felt I needed to say or hear from him. I had to take the reigns of my own emotions and do what I needed to do.

"When I talked to him, I melted but seconds after I would have talked to him, I knew he was playing games...which I hated him for. Anytime I talk to him on the phone or in person, I turn into flubber. It was all games. He had the power and control and I was just the "on call" girl."

-Again, same as mine. I still get shaky around him. They may not be bad guys, but they are sensing weakness in us and are using us. We were letting them because we were drawn in by the flattery and attention that we were craving. But it was just that. We let ourselves be "on-call" because we liked the other stuff that came along with it. But those good feelings weren't real. They were the high from the addiction. He told you what you wanted/needed to hear so that he would get what HE wanted. Just like mine. That unhealthy trade-off doesn't work for long because the power is out of balance. We give them what they want (the sex and the ego-boost) and they pull away and never fully give us what we want- an emotional connection (or committment, or even just true friendship). You said yourself that the sex wasn't good, but you continued the physical relationship because you are addicted. When we realize that's not working for us, we can begin the process of healing. YOU deserve better than that!

Imperfect, I know this is so very tough. It won't be peachy for a while, but if you end things now, there will be an end to this mess and your pain in sight. Otherwise, you are prolonging your agony. Be strong, tell him it's over in the most matter-of-fact and non-debateable way possible. Then go NC. I know you have to work with him (me too) but like you said, you can end the personal contact. Take control while you can, and don't allow yourself to accept anything less that 100% in the future.

I'm here when you need me!

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 2:26pm
"My theory is that since I can't be THAT close to him I have made him into who I want him to be."

BINGO, Lazy! I've been trying to figure that out, too! I haven't been able to put my finger on it! My best friend keeps telling me how obvious it is that he's a selfish, narcississtic jerk, and I just can't believe that. I've always (in the 4 years we were casual friends before anything happened) wanted to be close to him-even just as friends. He's got strong social beliefs that I really respect, and his conviction on some of those issues is magnetic. He has always been my ideal of a free spirit and a strong, kind, no nonsense man. But since we started messing around, he never let me into his real life. That hurt, and made me want to be even closer. But I really never knew what he is TRULY like. I know he cheats, now. And I know what he wants people to see. I'll never be in his heart or his head, and it helps to realize that most of that person I so want to be close to is actually built up and idealized by my own fantasy of him.

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 2:42pm
imperfect,

Here are some of the things that I've learned/did. The reason you 'obsess' is because it's a secret. Think about that. If you were able to tell someone about it, it wouldn't be 'haunting you.' You could get it out and move on. I too, obsessed and then even felt 'addicted'. My MM told me he was addicted to me. I think he experienced these phases after I had already moved through them. I told him 'addictions aren't healthy!'

My H kept talking about affairs and we actually know some people who had gotten busted - it screwed up their lives and I saw this first hand. I knew that there was no way I could do this to my family. But the passion was so strong, I wanted to be with MM so bad that I did have intimate contact a couple of times but then realized I cannot do this.

I wrote down my feelings; tried to write all of the negative things about MM that I could - and just read it daily. (More than once if I needed to).

The thing that really pissed me off was when I ended it with him - at first he just said 'whatever you decide is ok' - but then I sent him a long note (I needed him to know how I felt) and he didn't answer me for 3 weeks. And when he did all he said was my note pissed him off. I realized that I would let him in on my feelings and all he did was get mad. What is that? A real friend would want to discuss any issues. I have a hard time because I don't really know who this person is. He's either a rat who cheated on his fiance and wife, or he's just like me - he got totally swept in by the passion. But he won't tell me. He doesn't confirm or deny. I've finally accepted that we probably never really were friends. I've known him on a personal level for 3 years and don't even know who he is.

All I can say is decide what you want and then be strong about it. Yeah, we might cave now and then, but realize that YOU are the one making choices in YOUR life. Nobody else. Don't let someone else have control over YOU.

I also remember saying 'this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do'. It makes it easier on me that I don't see this guy daily at work. In fact it's only when we happen to 'bump' into each other occasionally that I do see him. But writing down my feelings has helped me tremendously.

To quote someone else on this board, "This is the time for you to be greedy, think of yourself first."

One more thing that I realized - when I wrote the note after I told him I needed to go back to being just friends, he didn't even acknowledge it (til about 3 weeks later). What would of happened if my H would have found out? Do you think he would have been there for me? No flippin way!!!!

I don't know what makes us women cave to these men. But I was in it on my own free will; nobody made me do it. And I got out by myself too.

Good luck to you. Believe me, I've been there. You will act when you are ready. You'll know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 2:57pm
Here is another thought for you:

He is not worth turning into a liar and a cheat for. (Is he?)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 3:00pm
"I have a hard time because I don't really know who this person is. He's either a rat who cheated on his fiance and wife, or he's just like me - he got totally swept in by the passion. But he won't tell me. He doesn't confirm or deny. I've finally accepted that we probably never really were friends. I've known him on a personal level for 3 years and don't even know who he is."

Wow, wrkngwm! I could have written that myself. I hate not knowing what's on his mind. I've known mine for about 4 years, and he never let me in. I guess that's all I ever wanted, but he was insistant about keeping emotions out of it, so he closed up when the conversation got deep. I've been holding onto the fact that we were friends, but looking back on the past 5 months, if you take the dirty talk and physical contact out, there really wasn't much to say. I guess I need to accept the fact, too, that even though we were friend-LY and liked each other in our working relationship, there was really never much friendship there at all.

I'm slowly accepting that I'll never know what's in his mind, although I do suspect I'm not much to him, and that in the long run, it really doesn't matter. I made the decision to not be used any more, and I will stick by it. I can't worry about who he really is or what he really thinks anymore...I gotta figure out me.

:(

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 3:57pm
Lily,

Sounds like we are at the same place.

When he finally wrote me back (I guess he was done being pissed at me) - he wrote to tell me he was going on vacation. I didn't write back.

And today he wrote back how hard it was to wake up - guess he's back from vacation. I didn't write back.

I am somewhat complacent about this. Like I don't care that you're back...

Hope you had fun, but do you really need me to ask you that? He won't tell me all about it anyway. Maybe I'm bitter, I don't know. But it feels better to be in this place than it did to be in the obsessive state!

You are right - we can't worry about what they think. They simply aren't worth our time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 1:11am
We have all been there and done that and from my experience, I can tell you it took me 6 years to learn! Ending it and NC will only work the day you ARE ready.

I've adopted a saying that *eventually* applied to me.

Smart people learn from their mistakes........Smarter people learn from the mistakes of others :-)

Don't waste another day of your life living a lie and lying to protect that life!

You *****ARE**** WORTH SO MUCH MORE!