How do you move on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
How do you move on?
2
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 11:34pm
I am sort of new here read a few posts but never wrote.I am having a really hard time right now.I was in an affair for almost 5 years.It finally ended last August.He would not leave his kids his wife no problem.
Any how long story shortwe were really good friends before the affair and stayed that way untill the end.We would talk on the phone for 4 of 5 hours two or three times a week and saw each other at least two times a week.
He told me he was in love with me in 2002.I finally had to tell him it's her or me.Well the kids and her won.
I miss him somuch not the sexreally but the friendship and all that went with it.I am still hurting all these months later.I think about him a lot and i want to call him but i try to make it through each not doing it.
How do you move on?How do you make your self start to date again?Becuse my friends and brother tell me you have to move on.My brother works with him and sees him all the time.My name is only thing that never comes up even though my brother saysi know he wants toask.And here is the real kicker he told my brother just before x-mas his marriage was done she told him she was moving out.
I have not called him since hearing this or at anytime in the last 5 monthsand i really don't want to.I do not
want my heartstrings pulled to find out that they are going to work things out.I have told by my doctor i am depressedand on meds for it in large part due to this.So do you all have any advice before i drive myselfcrazy?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 11:45pm

Six months is not a long time. Therapists/psychiatrists say it takes about half the time you were in the affair to get over the affair. And it sounds like you two were really close friends on top of everything -- which is not always the way an affair is. So it could take 2-3 years to get over the affair. Probably not what you want to hear -- but it's better than wondering why you don't feel great in six short months.

I am really sorry for your loss. It would be killing me to know that he might be getting a divorce -- and then not to hear from him. Especially if she does divorce him. I am so sorry for your loss. This has all got to be terribly painful for you.

As for how to move on -- I got tired of crying. I got tired of waiting for him to e-mail or call me. I got tired of being a prisoner (in my home). I finally, while IN the affair, started to do other things, like go back to school. Last October I got involved in some volunteer work. In November I ended the affair. It only took me two years to end the affair. I think I was grieving the loss of the affair while it was still going on.

If you have family and friends, hang out with them for a while. Like I said, six months, for a 5-year affair, is not a long time. Be gentle with yourself. Things will start to look up fairly soon.

And I think it's wonderful that you had the good sense to see a doctor.

Hugs.

Bella

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 1:01am
I never heard it takes half the time you were in a affair to get over it.Makes me feel somewhat better.I work,have good friends and my brother and i are close.I am going to Europe this summer to see my dad.The change i know will do me good.As for him not calling after telling my brother his wife is moving out i wonder about it.My brother thinks he wants me to call him and i am NOT doing it.I have come this far an i cannot go back.Yes we were really cloe before and during the affair.I spent a lot of time with him.His work is shift work and close to my house.If he worked into early am and had overtime in a few hours he would tell his wife he was sleeping in the car and then came to my house.He spent at least one night a week here and his wife and kids would go back home each summer for 6 weeks guess where he was?
But none of it right now has been easy i dream about him,think about him,and basiclly hate myself for it.