How do you move on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2004
How do you move on?
3
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 12:35am
I just delivered what I believe is...my lover's child. My husband was told several years ago by two different doctors that he could not reproduce the normal way. There was no sperm present in his semen. During my affair I became pregnant. I immediately told my husband everything. He was hurt....and wanted me to have an abortion...I couldn't. Finally, he accepted it and started to believe that maybe the child was his. He went to the doc to have his semen tested...and again...it contained no sperm. I'm convinced that this is my ex-lover's child. My husband does not want to have an DNA test....but I can't stop wondering and thinking....what if....and the future....telling my son that his real father is not my husband....I'm so worried about the future.....I still have unsettled feelings for my ex lover....I'm unsure that if he finds out that my son is his..that he will want to be in his life.....This would cause a lot of conflict within my marriage....I just don't know what to do....or how to feel. Or how to move on...and LIVE. My husband forgave me....and our marriage has been great.....but what is he going to do when he accepts the fact that this is not his biological son? sigh...I wish I wasn't in this position...but there was no way I could abort my child.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 7:13am
((naturalgurl)), my heart goes out to you. To be honest, after reading your post my first thought was to suggest that both you and you and your husband as a couple pursue some sort of therapy or counseling. These are heavy-duty issues that you are dealing with, and you may benefit from counseling by a trained professional. It may seem that your husband will accept the child now, but what if things change in the future? I think your best option is to pursue counseling for yourself and to pursue couples counseling with your husband.

As for your lover, well, if you want any chance of making your marriage work, do not have any contact with him. Contact will just undermine any progress you are making as far as your marriage is concerned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 8:44am
Hello natural.. I have been a lurker here of late, former poster. However, reading your post made me think of something. This is only my opinion, so please take it for what it is worth to you. I think you should have a DNA test done to prove paternity. Sadly, if the former lover is the biological father, he has a right to know and he has a right to be in your child's life, if he chooses to do so. The other thing to consider is genetics. You need to be aware of the family medical history, if the former one is the father. Years down the road, if your child becomes ill and it is something of a genetic nature, you need to know how to reach the biological father, or at least be aware of illnesses that may be genetic and run on that side of the family. He may very well not want to be involved in an active way in your child's life, but allow him to make that choice. I commend you and your H for working things out and your H for sticking with you through this. As far as the child knowing the truth is concerned... you and your H should go to counseling to try and figure out the best way to deal with this. If the former one is the father and wants to be involved, then you are going to have to find a way to make it work. Secrets kept somehow have a way of becoming known and you don't want the child paying the emotional price for a secret that you and your H decided to keep. Please don't let your child suffer because of mistakes you made.

I would not want to be in your shoes and I do wish you all the best. Who knows, maybe your H is the father and that would be the best scenario for all involved.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2004
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 2:28pm
Thank you.....I will definitely look into it....I just don't feel like I will heal from this....again...thanks