How do you stay mad??

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
How do you stay mad??
12
Sun, 01-16-2005 - 9:31pm

MM essentially ended things a fight after 2+ years, 11 days ago. We spoke on Fri. He called today we talked and agreed that it was better end things. I agreed, even though it hurt. This couldn't go on forever. MM was tough but sure I knew he cared and he wouldn't forget what we shared. I was very sad when we got off and sent him an email sort of restating what we said etc. Well, he sent me back an email saying I was too dependent on him and in his mind the only way for me to break that was for us not to talk for a while. He may have been right but I was so blown away b/c he has always maintained he wanted to stay friends. So I sent him an email that I was so hurt he could shut me out like that. He sent back another email saying that I am too dependent and again the only way was to get over it is to not talk..no emails, no calls, no text. We text messaged a few more things, him saying it wasn't forever just needed time and he was doing this FOR ME!! How nice of him huh??

I know some of you will say he handled it right. But I don't feel that way! He turned his back on me !! I am not even sure I needed him.. but I wanted to know he'd be there if I needed him. But better to say you have deal on you own!! Too bad we shared everything for 2 years. Now you are on your own.. too overbearing was what he said!

Ok..so being mad is way better than being sad!! How do I stay mad?? If I start to think he was right in anyway I may feel bad and email him some stupid "i understand where you are coning from" crap! then I, willl be sad and miss him! Yuck! Don't ever want to talk! Want him to disappear!!.. But I still check my email like a nut and will wait for my cell to ring when it NEVER will!! AHHHHH!!!

Being mad is easier!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 9:05am

Thanks Posie! I feel totally weak and helpless. I do think that wantign this to be over and being forced to have it over is a big differance. Doesnt make it easier but just changes the long range focus! I mean in the past I was sad amd miserbale but kept thinkign in a few weeks I can get him back. Not I am sad, angry and miserable but I am thinkign in a few weeks I may be feelign better and may one day be free! I want myself back!! I just hope I can do it!!

<,you'll come up with any number of coping strategies than will replace the function exMM once served in your life. >>

I hope thatI can b/c I dont ever want to fall back on him again. NAd honeslty he'd not be there if I did!

Oh and yes I do take credit for a lot of the A. I do believe I gave this man more than he asked for. More than he expected. I turned him into someone he wasn't. I out way too much pressure on us and him. But it was an A..no rule book! But He also took it selfishly and it wasn't untiil the last two weeks that he said stop. The problem with me takign to much of the blame is that I could go too much power to the other side and feel like I need to apologize and no way will i!

I agree out A has died. I don't think any A can ast forever and ours had no room to grow mainly b/c MM woudlnt let it. Not mad at him for that. I am sad for the loss! It is hard to out so much of yourself into something and not feel sad about losign it!

I just want to feel better. Trust me my DD is my savign grace. I am very lucky b/c I have lots of friedns and family around me. Wish my H was here more but that cant be helped! Maybe in a few days i can feel happy. Right now i am too worried of feelign sentimental if I i dont stay mad!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 9:41am

Hiya Bria,

This may help to explain some of what you're feeling. http://www.couplescompany.com/Features/Grief/default.htm

Feel it. All of it. Let it wash over you and through you. Make full use of the time H is away to be able to do this since grieving openly is a luxury many don't have. And when you're done, you can be through with it.

<<>>

You gave nothing you weren't happy to give and he took nothing you didn't give willingly. 50/50 even-stevens. You can deal with your end and nothing else.

<<>>

What have you lost, Bria? Gonna throw some of da woman, Shirley Glass, at ya now...Tell me what you think.

"HM: Do affairs ever serve a positive function--not to excuse any of the damage they do?

SG: Affairs are often a chance for people to try out new behaviors, to dress in a different costume, to stretch and grow and assume a different role. In a long-term relationship, we often get frozen in our roles. When young couples begin at one level of success and go on to many achievements, the new person sees them as they've become, while the old person sees them as they were.

The unfortunate thing is that the way a person is different in the affair would, if incorporated into the marriage, probably make their spouse ecstatic. But they believe they're stuck; they don't know how to create opportunity for change within the marriage. A woman who was sexually inhibited in marriage--perhaps she married young and had no prior partners--may find her sexuality in an affair, but her husband would probably be thrilled to encounter that new self.

HM: How do you handle this?

SG: After an affair, I do not ask the question you would expect. The spouse always wants to know about "him" or "her": "What did you see in her that you didn't see in me?" Or, "What did you like about him better?" I always ask about "you": "What did you like about yourself in that other relationship?" "How were you different?" and "Of the way that you were in that other relationship, what would you like to bring back so that you can be the person you want to be in your primary relationship? .... How can we foster that part of you in this relationship?"

HM: That's a surprise. How did you come to know that's the question to ask?

SG: There is an attraction in the affair, and I try to understand what it is. Part of it is the romantic projection: I like the way I look when I see myself in the other person's eyes. There is positive mirroring. An affair holds up a vanity mirror, the kind with all the little bulbs around it; it gives a rosy glow to the way you see yourself. By contrast, the marriage offers a makeup mirror; it magnifies every little flaw. When someone loves you despite seeing all your flaws, that is a reality-based love.

In the stories of what happened during the affair, people seem to take on a different persona, and one of the things they liked best about being in that relationship was the person they had become. The man who wasn't sensitive or expressive is now in a relationship where he is expressing his feelings and is supportive.

HM: Can those things be duplicated in the marriage?

SG: That's one of the goals--not to turn the betrayed spouse into the affair partner, but to free the unfaithful spouse to express all the parts of himself he was able to experience in the affair." Here's that article in full:- http://cms.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-19980701-000026.html

In the meantime, you know where we are, poppet.

Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie

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