How do you stop missing it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
How do you stop missing it?
7
Mon, 07-05-2010 - 11:56pm

Hi


I post on MAS but i would like to end my A.


My question is, not all AP's are awful. Mine is a nice man and we are friends. The A is wrong and should end. But how do you not miss their company as a friend?


Grateful for your advice.

You are what you consistently do
You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 12:10am

hello,

I've not much time as I am heading to bed. Wanted to say welcome (-:

To answer your question:

You come to the point where you realize, that if you truly care about your AP, letting them go is the kindest offer of care and love you can give them. Even if they protest - this is just a sign that they are stuck in the fog and can't yet see there really is no other option - no looking back. Your A has expired.

You come to the point where being selfish and stealing from another person's life is no longer acceptable to you regardless of what you AP wants - no matter the pain of missing them. I miss my xAP every day. He was not an awful person, and I care(d) about him deeply: too much to continue enabling him to be the person he had become to engage in an A. I became to detest the skills he developed to keep me 'hidden' in plain sight.

I simply couldn't ask that of another human being any longer. I stopped working to stay in denial, I stopped allowing others to enable my own self-destructive behaviours ... because I like you, could no longer 'look away' from what was becoming of me. I had changed into a person I no longer respected. I had diminished myself and told myself horrible lies to distort my thinking and to give me the permission to think it was okay. That we were different.

So - you make a choice. And you come to believe and KNOW that life on the other side of the A is so much better than the roller coaster ride from h#ll you are living. You come to see the missing as longing for some fix that wears off too quickly but costs you everything, and you come to see friendship as nothing that is experienced between APs.

My best to you as you face some tough choices.

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 4:12am
That was great advice thank you
You are what you consistently do
You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 7:16am

Great post, TU. One for the HL.


(((Hugs)))

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 7:23am

IGS,


Welcome to our community, that is, if you decide to end your A. The response by TU was awesome and I really don't have much to add but one thing.


It will take time and distance away from AP before the missing eases up. You have to consider that a huge void will take place when they are no longer in your life, so missing them comes with the territory. It's one of the prices we have to pay when we've overstepped boundaries and acted so selfishly.


((Hugs))


   ~Iddy~ 


Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 8:15am

Don't you think that friendship and being in an affair, overlap? If you don't have friendship, it is call something else. You can certainly be friends.......but looking at it from the other way, do you love your friends the same way? Are you having physical contact with your other friends? You know what I am saying. Its different. Completely different.


Would your S or their S be thinking that this kind of relationship is ok because you are friends? I don't think so. Does anyone think that? I think not.


You are looking for a way to hang on to whatever you have. There isn't any way, to justify this. You can fool yourself for a while, but it remains what it is.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
Tue, 07-06-2010 - 8:20am

You come to see the missing as longing for some fix that wears off too quickly but costs you everything


TU~


What a great post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2010
Thu, 07-08-2010 - 3:16pm
I am only 5 days NC so i am new to this