How do you survive afterwards

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2004
How do you survive afterwards
8
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 11:38am
How do you get over the affair? A little background, I'm M, OM is S. He ended our 6 year affair yesterday. I'm glad he did because I didn't have the strength. He got tired of waiting for me to leave my H. I can't blame him. I've been trying to leave H for years, but didn't want to hurt him. As if my affair wouldn't. It's funny how we rationalize things in our minds to justify why we do what we do. I don't know how to get over it, but I don't plan on anymore contact because I need to take a good look at my M and my make some choices. I have a 10 year M and 6 year affair, seems like that says it all. I'm so heartbroken, I really love him. I want to cry but there's no tears left. I've started by getting rid of things that remind me of him. I need advice from a survivor. Thanks for your help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 12:17pm
How well you survive, depends on the marriage you're in. Is it worth working at, to you? Are you married to someone that you can't imagine yourself without? I stopped a four year on and off EMA...and my marriage is 80 times more important..and I'm never going to make that mistake again (EMA). But my EMA was less about what was missing in my marriage, and more about someone from my past, that I had unresolved feelings for, and he me. Once i got past that and the nonsense it all created in my spirit--I realized I'm married to the person I need to be with forever..But if you're not happy in your marriage..it's worth finding out why. Whether you see a counselor or therapist- have someone help you think this through. figure out if the EMA was about something within you, or your marriage--and you can survive if you need and want to. No one can keep us from surviving--remember that. We are in charge of our own destiny and happiness..i do wish you luck..and come back and vent here whenever you need to.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2004
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 3:09pm
I'm sure I need some counseling. My A was more about what was missing in my marriage, I got married for the wrong reason. I love him, but not in love with him. I had refused his marriage proposal several times, but I allowed myself to be sucked in to just settle. He's a good man, but he doesn't fulfill me. I know we fulfill ourselves, so I guess the better word would be complete me. We had a rocky marriage (who don't) and he just let it go so I was alone in trying to save it. (this was before the affair) So the affair came to be and I didn't care about the M anymore. Then 2 years ago he tries to make things work, but for me it's too late. It's alot easier to handle a problem marriage when you have an outlet because you don't think about it, you just exist. Now that the A is over I don't want to have another one. I want to move on with life and whatever that means, but I don't want to stay in the M and just settle. If I can't give my all to the marriage,I need to walk away. So this is day one without him so lets see. Thanks for the insight.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 5:22pm

hey gal,

u can start with small steps, im not gonna tell u whats wrong , u need to find out what is wrong/missing in your life/marriage in general

- delete all his emails
- block all his emails
- change your phone number, home and cell if possible
- dont go to places u both hang out
- dont contact OM anymore
- delete his phone# from your cell phone
- dont contact OM anymore
- get rid of things(physical things that OM gave u) burn if u can or hide them somewhere
- dont contact OM anymore
- get rid of all those pictures if u have them, both real and digital pics
- dont contact OM anymore
- dont email , voicemail or snailmail OM anymore

welcome to the board, it will be hard but some of us have done it here already, take care and focus on hubby and try to fall in love with hubby again

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 5:28pm
(((((Gal)))))
If your marriage isn't making you happy ..you definitely need to think about what to do there. I wish you luck and send you big hugs!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2005
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 8:10pm
Boy, does this hit home for me. I am M and OM is single. This A happened due to unhappiness in my marriage and also the OM is someone from my past. It started five months ago and after two months of not seeing each other, it is back on again. I understand how you feel about being able to look away and not deal with the unhappiness in the marriage. I have been married for almost three years. I never thought this would happen, but after being alone alot, begging to try to resolve issues and then running into someone from my past I will always love, this is where I am. I don't know what to say, as I am still stuck in this place, but wanted you to know that you are not alone. Good luck! ((HUGS))
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2004
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 10:42pm
I've deleted his number, emails and text messages. I've almost survived one day and boy was it hard. It's so frustrating being in a marriage alone. You get lonely, you want someone to validate your sexuality. To make you feel desireable, someone to really listen when you speak. He knows me better than myself sometimes. I feel my H doesn't know me at all. OM could tell my mood just by my voice or the look on my face. H is clueless. I am miserable in my marriage but I'm going to try to see it without the distraction. If it's still the same I'm going to walk away. I don't want another affair, it hurts too much. Thanks for all the advice and good luck with your situation, I hope it works out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 11:13pm

hey gal,

good start !!! tomorrow will be day 2 and then day 3 and so on and before u know it, u are going to be ok

try to figure out what is wrong with your marriage, if u can stay and work it out and if not then u have to make that choice, make the choice for you own self , not because u think OM will be with u , dont live in that fantasy world, it will destroy you, make your heart cold and the pain will eventually drain you of love

i dont agree that OM knows u better than yourself, only u know yourself, u think he knows u but he does not, he took advantage of u

im sorry if i spound harsh but i been where u are and i am suffering like u as well, i am angry and upset, i feel like my life is over, but i know that it is not true, we make our own choice and we make our own life

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 9:37am

ggc,

I'm sending you a big hug. I am an oldtimer on the board and we have a lot in common. What I can offer you is: Take one day at a time, cry if you need to, get some physical exercise, do something you love every day, count each day with NC as an accomplishment. They add up quickly! I am going on a year and never thought I would make it! Post here and vent if you need to, it helps! Sending thoughts your way. Our marriages sound so much a like and I think we have very similiar situations, I know how real the pain is you are feeling!!

Karry

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige