How to end it when I don't want to

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
How to end it when I don't want to
6
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 6:59pm
This is my first time here...
I have to end my A, but in my heart I really don't want to. Brief background...
I'm married 1 year, together 7, OM is engaged. We work together at his fiance's family's company. His fiance also works with us. We work in different depts but it's a small company. I know, we are insane. Our relationship became physical a couple of months ago. What started out as something that was just for fun, no attachment, has turned into much more, for me anyway. The reason I feel I need to end it is because I have started to fall for him, hard. I haven't asked him how he feels. I don't want to seem to needy. I think about him all the time and when we are going to see each other next. It's so hard because we don't talk much in work (for obvious reasons)only email. We don't call each other outside of work in fear of a paper trail. I feel sad all the time because I want to see him, but I can't, only occasionally. We were suppose to get together this Friday that just past, but he had to cancel (legit reason). I was devistated. I was soooo excited to be with him. I cried the whole night. I love being with him, he makes me feel so happy. He actually listens to me and cares what I have to say. And he is so funny. We have the same weird sense of humor. We just get along so well, like we were meant to be together.
All of these traits my H is lacking. I know that's why I'm so drawn to OM. I know that this is very unhealthy for me, that's why I know it should end. Plus, I'm pretty sure he is going to want to end it after he gets married, which is in August. I haven't come right out and asked him if that's the case, I'm just assuming. I know he still wants to see me for now, but I know I shouldn't. I just don't know if I can tell him no because I really want to say yes! I really need some advice...
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 8:11pm

Ras

Questions:

>>" He actually listens to me and cares what I have to say. And he is so funny. We have the same weird sense of humor. We just get along so well, like we were meant to be together."<<

First question is does his F also believe this, she must believe he is a great guy if she is marring him.....but clearly he is NOT, after all he is cheating on her even before there married....what does that say about him if your HONEST with yourself....if he can be fooling and LIEING to her way do you think you different.

What have you done with your husband of 1 year to address the issues, you were together for 6 years before you married him did these problems suddenly appear or did they seem to get bigger after XOM started paying you attention ?

I am sorry if this sounds harsh ras but I think your neck deep in the affair fantasy and your not really seeing this guy for who and what he really is....if you had him he would do to you what he is doing to her.

Don't let me scare you off...please read the posts of other people and see how your XOM stacks up...where he is the same or he is different. Read the articules below.

Good luck.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 8:45pm
Free,
You didn't scare me off...I need someone to be brutely honest.
You are right, I was with my H for 6 years before we got M. I have tried talking to my H about me being unhappy because he never talks to me about anything besides his work and things he likes. I can't talk to him about my problems because he never understands. I have many family problems and he can't relate. He knows all of this and says he will try to change and he never does.
We just sit in total silence because we have nothing to say to each other. Or I'll say something and he will continue to drive like he didn't even hear me. He says he has nothing to say about what I said. I feel like I'm talking to a wall most of the time. He always picks on me about how I clean or how I put the groceries away. Everything!!! Other than that...he's great. We have good sex, I still find him atttractive, he's hard worker, good earner. And I know he loves me. I love him too, but I never feel truly 100% happy when I'm with him.
This is how it was before OM. I admit, my A has brought all of this to my attention more. It's so hard to explain about OM. The minute we met, it was instant attraction, before we even spoke. I actually lost my breath. Not because he is extremly good looking, but because of the intense feeling I had the second we met. He makes me feel beautiful and funny. I feel like a horny teenager when I'm around him! It's crazy. I guess I try not to think about the fact he is a liar and is fooling his F. I wonder, how am I any better. I'm already M. I'm just as bad as he is, right? We both made it clear we were not in this to end our relationships to be with each other. I guess I'm just looking for advice on how to start NC when we work together and I still have feelings for him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 9:54pm

ras,

You need to read all my trials and tribulations in past posts. You DO NOT want this - especially with someone you work with - NO MATTER how good it feels now. And Yes, I remember... it feels great. But look down the path... and I do not believe it will stop once he gets married (it usually doesn't).

Seriously though, please read my posts. I have worked with xMM for 10 years. We were in an A for 9 years. You may think "there is no way mine would ever go on that long!!" but I never thought mine would either (my xMM said in the beginning how he'd love this to go on for 10-15 years if possible... yes a warning(!)... I was horrified... but here I am 9 + years later).

It doesn't get easier, it gets harder to break away. The relationship can never really run it's course so while you think it will end it stays put and just grows more and more miserable for (usually) the woman. The crying you had on Friday night will become common.

And NC is hard. LC (limited contact) is the only way and that is painful too. I'm doing it now but it's not without a lot of heartache. We have conf calls and I still sometimes get off the call all weepy (even though we haven't had any personal contact except work-related issues on the call).

You will feel so split between two lives (you sound like you already do to some extent) that your marriage will have no chance.

It is so very hard to see what a deadend the A is at the point where you're at... but know that all of us have walked in these shoes. This will not have a happy ending and you risk getting extremely hurt and possibly losing your H.

I fear it will take me years to recover completely. I'm MUCH better than I was, but like most on this board I feel I will never be the same person I once was.

It's still early for you... I would submerge yourself in the posts on this board and the articles. It will help you to see the reality of it.

I will be happy to help give advice on LC while working with xMM but truthfully there isn't much to it - the main part is DECIDING to do it. After that it's painful but the up and down feelings will be less intense. It will almost kill you for about 2-3 weeks then it will get easier (my experience anyway).

Good luck, WIP

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 10:47pm

Ras

NO CONTACT, if you work together as opposed to just working in the same place NC may not be possible but AS WIP said LIMITED CONTACT that is restricted to a proffessional level with clear BOUNDARIES is a good place to start....if you make it very clear that no personal contact is welcome and indeed may be risky for him he may back off.

The reason I got into the thoughts about XOM is that when your justifing an affair you put on some real thick rose colored glasses and REFUSE to see the AP for who he really is, and in your case sorry but I got a real problem with people male or female that cheat just because they can....he has no cause he has no marriage problem because he is not married yet, he is just demonstrating a total lack of character/ class/ Honor/ manhood.

Seeing him for who he really is and refusing to hid from the TRUTH will help you to with draw from him, after all who wants a sleaze touching them.

Are you sure your his first married woman ?

You at least do have prexisting problem in your marriage NOT THAT I AM JUSTIFING YOUR ACTIONS.

This instant attraction thing has a psychological (sp) basis from what I have read, the AP is reminding you of some person or issue from your past maybe childhood, it is not a sigh of a healthy connection but an unhealthy connection....."something unhealthy in me connected with something unhealthy in you is the phrase".

An affair will not fix your marriage it will only damage it more, contray to what you may have read on the ASB that seemed improvement in the marriage does not last as the woman or man becomes more emotionally dependent on the AP the spouse gets squeezed out...the marriage dies or the affair stops and a max effort may save the marriage.

There is a weekend course offered called and the spelling is wrong here Routerville, it teaches a couple to communicate in new and better ways, it is famous for turning unhappy marriages around.

Last: If you want a new definition of the word PAIN have an affair in time it will be 99 percent pain and shame and 1 percent thrill...you will pay a huge price for that thrill >>YOURSELF<<.

Wip is most likely right he will want to keep you on the side as a booty call when he has the urge to ejaculate in someone other then his WIFE (THAT POOR WOMAN).

JMHO

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 6:56pm


WIP,

Thank you for all your advice. It has really made me think about how hurt I will be in the end. I do know that I am more emotionally invloved than he is. It all started as us being friends that turned into more. Neither one of us was suppose to get romantically attached to the other, the unspoken rule I guess it was. So I know that he will be able to get over this easier than me. I just wish my H wasn't so emotionally detached from everything, including me. I ask him if he would just be nicer to me and he thinks that means having sex. I know my issues with my H are the root of my feelings for OM. H has said in the past that he would never go to marriage counseling. Besides, he thinks everything is fine. I hate this so much, not being happy with either one of them. Maybe I'm just a needy basket case that needs to have constant attention. Who knows. OM didn't email or come to see me all day. It made me crazy. I still can't belive I got involved in this in the first place. I always thought people who cheated were a**holes and weak. I never understood how someone could do that to their W/H. Well, now I know. Anyway, thanks again. It really helps to talk to other people that have gone through the same thing. I hope you some day heal from your pain. Be strong for those of us here who aren't. Right now anyway...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 8:39pm

ras,

I was reading your post back... I don't know your situation that well but it sounds like your marriage is having a decent amount of trouble after only 1 year, right? (I also don't know if kids are involved). There are times when a marriage just isn't meant to work.

I would (as "an outsider looking in", although I know it's never that easy on the inside) probably have a true heart-to-heart with my H that I wasn't sure things are working out. Try to force him to wake-up while the M is still young. I would give it 6 months or a year (maybe with MC) and then start thinking about moving on if it's still not working out.

I would try very hard to leave MM out of the entire process. There is so much pain down that path (for you especially if he's not as emotionally engaged as you are - my xMM was not either and that's after so many years too!).

You're newly married and he's getting ready to get married... but A's are not like the single dating, casual world where sometimes partners decide to switch even if there is a girl/boyfriend involved. Once someone is married it rarely works out with the AP's since there is too much at stake to end the current relationship.

It will be painful now but not nearly as painful as if you wait. I've read that women that have a miscarriage while pregnant experience pain in the same proportion as the length they carried the fetus (not necessarily the same length of time, but the point is that someone that is 6 weeks pregnant will experience slightly less pain then if they'd been pregnant 12 weeks instead). I don't know if this is true for A's but it seems like it and that would mean that the longer it goes on the longer the healing will take.

I wish you strength and keep posting since it will help, WIP